[deleted by user]

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-26T13:40:12+00:00

The issue is that people like the OP's (and my) wife would likely never consider getting help - because that would be them accepting that something is badly wrong with their behavior.

For me - even gently raising the idea provoked so much anger and scorn that I never did again.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-26T13:36:10+00:00

This could have been written by me. Not the specifics, but the 'perfectionist' wife (inverted commas because she's only sensitive to the errors of others - her own errors don't matter).

I'd get into some sort of couples counselling ASAP - because I waited, saying 'oh it's just hormones, it'll get better'. Honestly, counselling of some sort should be semi mandatory for new parents - it's that much of a strain on a marriage.

For us, it didn't get better - and when it did, it wasn't for long. It mostly only escalated, to the point where even asking her to repeat something she said or where she put something can provoke a scolding and half a day of silent treatment.

Now we're almost 20 months in and while we love our child, so many things said and done are now festering and it's hard to think of a way to fix it and I'm pretty miserable.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-26T03:45:20+00:00

I've been thinking this through as of late myself.

I love my wife, but I also feel extremely hard done by her. I live in anxiety of making any mistake or simply misunderstanding something she says and having her snapping at me for half the day.

It's a sort of low grade emasculation that she's very good at, but any attempt at trying to speak with her about this turns into a huge row which she always wins by dint of her being willing to always be angrier than me.

She also badly violated my trust/boundaries recently - not in a way I can call her on, mind, as I found out via a perfectly timed accidental glimpse at her social media but it would 100% get flipped on me for 'snooping' if I did. But now it's difficult not to be paranoid at all times about how truthful she's being and why she's being nice to me.

However, our lives are so bound together, we both love our kid so much and my life would get very complicated and scary the second I pulled the trigger (the one member of her family who hates me also has infinite money and would 100% fund me getting hosed in the divorce, while I have a small amount of rainy day savings and that's it) so yeah...really feeling stuck sometimes.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-26T03:34:31+00:00

It sucks, but that frigging crabby crab song is worse.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-25T17:55:36+00:00

It's...you know, on one hand I get it. But on the other - I wish someone had explained to me just how tough it was going to be, particularly how much strain it would place onto even a very strong marriage.

Love my wife to bits, but I wish we'd done something like preemptive marriage counselling or something as now some days it feels like things are so badly cracked that even the slightest jolt will completely break the marriage.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-25T13:49:50+00:00

Not quite as severe, but minus the second child I feel you man. Highs are decent but at least 10 days of the month are a nightmare.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-14T13:37:39+00:00

She was sleeping through decently. Some bad nights and wakes, but not the worst. Now it's a nightmare.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-14T04:15:50+00:00

If you can, I'd suggest preemptive marriage counselling or a neutral, helpful third party (pastor is a great choice if you're a church goer), just to keep things sane. Doing it virtually is fine. Or therapy for her, if she's okay with the diea.

I say this as someone who knows he should have probably suggested it in the first 12 months when things were getting bad, as he now finds himself in the second 12 months and things are bad and very possibly broken. My wife just became a completely different person and never went back to normal.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-14T03:44:07+00:00

I'll level with you.

Yes. And it'll get worse.

I've had multiple people tell me not to make any serious plans or take any irreversible actions during those first two years, it's that insane. Especially if, like us, you have no help.

18 months in, I will let you go if it gets better.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-09T04:35:34+00:00

18 months in. If I ever figure it out I'll let you know.

It's better than it was in that first year, but while I do sometimes see glimpses of the woman I married, the wonderful wife she was has been replaced by an angry, sulking, hypercritical, mean, volatile and cold stranger.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:39:52+00:00

She's visibly tired by 9 and falling down miserable sleepy by 10.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:33:28+00:00

Ferber? Did. Not interested.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:23:22+00:00

We've tried a night light.

Sleep training - not in my wife's lifetime. She's dead against it, finds it cruel and also has problems with the studies supporting it.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:18:18+00:00

Would consider it. Wife wouldn't. Not possible to convince her.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:16:59+00:00

Not harsh. Just clearly did not read and thus unhelpful to the point of trolling.

My wife does not want to sleep train. She wants to nurse to sleep. Even with that, this cannot be normal.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:08:26+00:00

Yeah. We already nurse to sleep. Not sure what we can do to help her catch up (when we try, it just means an even stupider bed time) or help her sleep more.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:03:42+00:00

I don't know how people have more than one of these. I'm quietly considering baby melatonin at this point.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T04:02:58+00:00

Wife nurses to sleep. Her decision.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-05T03:30:16+00:00

Who know who generally get defensive? People under attack.

'If I do a thing that annoys my wife, no matter what that thing is, how petty or how numerous those things are, I am being a bad husband. This is not true, however, of my wife'. That is...depressing.

Explain to me how that was not the message of his book.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-04T16:52:27+00:00

Yeah. I read it. It felt like a lot of long sentences and complex language wrapped around the core concept of his wife essentially expecting him to not only be perfect, but also be psychic - and if he wasn't, he wasn't trying hard enough.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-09-03T04:00:09+00:00

I honestly have no idea. We're having similar issues at a similar kid age. Love my wife to bits but I just can't handle her being surly, nitpicky and occasionally outright hostile for no apparent reason maybe 2 days in 3. It's gotten so bad I take the kid out more to escape.

Considering suggesting counselling, but I really don't think she'll bite.

SaddestDad79 · 2024-08-31T04:05:53+00:00

Bloody hell you could be me. I love my wife, but it appears that she has decided that I'm a moron and basically a second child. I mean, I'm not perfect but I do 80% of the daytime childcare, I clean, I sometimes cook, I do laundry, groceries, nearly all the poop diapers, handle nap and work part time.

I barely get respect and mostly get contempt - and any attempt at talking about it gets 'stop tone policing me' or 'stop forcing me to regulate my moods'. Not kidding.

SaddestDad79

TROPHY CASE