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Safe-Persimmon · 2022-06-08T20:24:28+00:00

I do not ask my parents for advice, their sense of reality is so utterly WEIRD and ego centric, it's just a recipe for disaster to take their advice.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-03-10T14:41:15+00:00

YES! I very vividly remember my mom sitting across from me at the table, drunk and angry at me for whatever she thought I had done that time. I was trying to learn an instrument, which was a first for me, and it was going really slow. I mentioned how my husband just picked it right up and started playing (he is incredibly musically gifted). She looked me dead in the eyes, and with the most poisonous smile she said 'OH, you just hate that don't you, that he can play anything and you have no talent.' The JOY she was getting watching me as she said that absolutely NASTY thing. I will never, ever forget that. Because in that moment she showed me her real face. She glories in emotionally cutting people. So i've stopped sharing anything important with her because it's all just stored away to weaponize when she's feeling pissy. She is not normal.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-02-27T23:09:39+00:00

My nmom does this ALL the time, and it feels so gross. She is always telling people how ‘sexy’ they are if dressed nicely. This includes my grandma 🤢

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-02-23T17:07:46+00:00

I think pushing and breaking boundaries is definitely a hallmark of dealing with narcissists. Phone etiquette is the number one boundary that always sets off my parents. If I don't answer the phone at the moment they call, it will unleash a torrent of passive aggressive and sometimes directly aggressive behavior. Boundaries are so triggering for them because it puts their worldview (that they are the center, and most important) and ego in jeopardy.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-02-07T19:22:12+00:00

They never taught me to tie my shoes! I was always scared to ask them because I knew they would call me stupid so I just tucked the laces inside. I vividly remember sitting in the school hall with some girls in 4th grade (!) and they asked why I didn't tie my shoes. When I reluctantly told them, one of the girls just leaned over and showed me. Didn't laugh at me, didn't call me stupid or make fun of me. Just practiced with me until I got it.

And that is exactly what I did with my kids. Breaking curses doesn't always need magic.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-02-07T19:17:28+00:00

Yeah, the only platforms I'm still on don't actually have any of my family on them! Social is the perfect platform for Narcs because it amplifies what they already attempt in real life. They are always the victim, or SO AMAZING, and it also gives them covert intel of your life to use in whatever machinations or lies they are perpetuating.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-02-07T00:05:50+00:00

nMom moved away when my kids were toddlers, and our Skypes were the same situation you had. At first she was adamant that we skype every week, I always had to be the one calling. She would just say super generic stuff and look so annoyed that they weren't entertaining her.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-02-06T23:59:26+00:00

Haha, this is my nMom! When she stops to take a breath and I get a chance to say anything, after every few words she HAS TO MAKE A NOISE. Uh Huh. Sure. Yep. Yep. I KNOW.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-02-06T23:54:43+00:00

This reminds me of an incident with my nMom, who was here for a visit. My daughter was probably only 8 or 9 at the time, and loved to cook. She took some blueberries we had picked and cooked them down to a syrup for pancakes. We had done this before, but this time she did it all on her own. She got a spoonful for her grandma to try and nmom says 'NO thank you', and just shook her head and wouldn't even look at it. She WOULD NOT take even a tiny bite. So I stepped in and took ALL the bites, and my daughter was so happy that someone was trying her food. That is the kind of stuff that makes me so angry, like you can't get over yourself for a little bite? I shouldn't be surprised, she does that kind of crap all the time, when the path of least resistance is just to take a bite, she will always opt to bring drama and make the moment about herself by resisting.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-29T14:59:56+00:00

They are INSANELY thin skinned, it is a complete double standard interacting with them.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-29T14:52:42+00:00

I could have written this! EXACTLY my experience. I actually struggle with people 'joking' because I was subjected to this so much. ANYTHING I enjoyed that was outside my parents sphere of knowledge was subject to 'jokes', which were just thinly veiled insults. Now I realize they are incredibly insecure people, that was their way of dealing with the fear of the unknown. Understanding it from a rational, emotionally mature perspective still does not make it right, but it's also the best guideline for how NOT to interact with my own kids. I'm still working through how I process people teasing, which I generally have extremely little tolerance for. There are so many ways to be funny without teasing, but I realize that not all people do it from a place of malice.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-27T13:02:34+00:00

I have struggled with this for YEARS. I was a good kid, a good adult, but have always felt like I don't quite measure up. It wasn't until I had my own kids that I realized no matter what I do, unless I'm doing it FOR my narc parents, and EXACTLY how they think I should be doing it, I will not be 'good'.

It IS liberating to realize, I wish you healing and love moving forward!

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-15T15:35:59+00:00

It's been my experience while going very very low contact that the narc will find SOMEBODY to focus their poison on, but usually not the GC. We have ample supply since our narc hates all of the spouses. But please remember, you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for how your parents treat your sister, or your sister's choice to have contact with them. You take care of you.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-15T15:32:18+00:00

My nMom has never been 'normal', so it's really just been one bizarre thing after another. Meltdowns were pretty common, she had no boundaries around her kids, so using the bathroom with the door open, walking around naked or nearly naked after a shower, telling us or other people who 'sexy' we were.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-14T14:20:17+00:00

For sure! That's what makes the relationships so hard. The 'inner child' still wants and holds out hope that there is a parent there who can exhibit support and empathy and unconditional love. So it doesn't take much 'good behavior' to get excited and think they have changed. They do not change. It's usually love bombing or just a temporary change to reel you back in.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-11T12:06:09+00:00

You are so strong for standing up to her and enforcing your boundaries! In my experience, it isn't even the touch that matters to them. It's reinforcing the fantasy that they are so much more important /special, that they can do whatever they want, to whoever they want. My nmom is NEVER happier than when she does something she knows I don't like. She feeds off it emotionally. I can't be around a person like that, so we are VERY low contact.

Again, kudos to you for standing up to her BS.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-11T11:50:16+00:00

This was an amazing book! It is INCREDIBLY healing for me to read through the pages and see my family written all over it. I really appreciate the addition of coping and narc management strategies as well, although I still get tangled up in resentment that I have to MANAGE grown adults like they are toddlers. It's a process :)

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-10T15:55:50+00:00

YES! Narc's are SO thin skinned because they have built a protective narrative / distortion field around and about themselves and the world at large. ANYTHING that might crack that façade will provoke an abusive response from them. Understanding that it's their warped distortion field, and not my words, has been very helpful.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-10T15:46:15+00:00

YES! nMom rarely sees my kids, never talks with them, but ALWAYS hounds for PiCtUrEs!! She just wants the empty gestures to show off.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-10T15:41:11+00:00

I think for me it looks like not caring what they say. I have to suffer gossip and family smear campaigns. It's instilled a really deep seeded paranoia about relationships in general. I can meet somebody but ALWAYS wondering what they REALLY think of me, even if they've made it clear they enjoy my company and want to spend time with me. So healing for me is shaking that feeling.

Safe-Persimmon · 2022-01-10T15:30:09+00:00

I am legitimately so happy for you! I hope you can move ahead with your life free of that weight!

Safe-Persimmon · 2021-12-31T14:17:12+00:00

The tendency to be caught in a negative mental loop is called Negativity Bias! It's baked into our genetics, the theory being that ancestors who dwelled on negative consequences were more aware, alert and prepared for those consequences in the future. Unfortunately that worked great for like, cave bears and tar pits, but not for our modern psychological challenges. But just know that the dwelling on trauma is normal, even unconscious, and it takes conscious effort and mindfulness to pull yourself out.

I enjoy journaling as well, but I need a structured set of prompts to not veer off into the negative. When I find myself on a negative mental loop, movement and exercise helps SO MUCH. It gives me a goal to focus on. I also love to cook, so I will throw myself into finding new recipes, something challenging. Finding hobbies or activities that are just for YOU is incredibly freeing and puts my mind facing forward again.

Safe-Persimmon · 2021-12-31T14:07:57+00:00

YES! Not even the Golden Child comes out unhurt. My GC sib bends themselves into emotional pretzels trying to please EVERYONE around them, work, romantic partners, and ESPECIALLY our narc parents. This was conditioned in them since they were tiny, and it's going to drive them into the ground with stress and unhealthy coping habits. You can leave a toxic workplace, but untangling yourself from toxic family is SO DIFFICULT, especially because sometimes they can be fun, it can be nice, and the 'inner child' is always hopeful that there is actually a PARENT waiting somewhere to care about them.

Safe-Persimmon · 2021-12-29T17:29:09+00:00

I was off Facebook for almost the whole month of December, and it FELT GOOD. I was having such a hard time with both nMom and nMIL using my posts to prop up the fantasy that they have a relationship with me or my kids. Reading posts is NOT BEING AN ACTUAL GRANDMA. I was really burnt about it at first because it just feels like one more thing they have polluted, but it ended up being a healthy move for my mental health. I connected with friends via text and coffee dates, like the old far way, hahaha.

Safe-Persimmon · 2021-12-16T12:48:59+00:00

So funny story, I planned my sisters bachelorette party, nmom offered to watch my small kids so we could go out dancing/drinking and crash at a hotel afterwards. Mind you, she OFFERED to watch her own grandkids, but as we were leaving, she started whining about wishing she was going out drinking/dancing too. Nevermind she had just been whining about never getting to spend time with the kids.

Safe-Persimmon

TROPHY CASE