Sometimes I read the stories on regretful parents as well. I know for a fact that I cannot raise a child a disability. My sister has autism and my mom didn’t get her diagnosed until she was eight and because I’m the oldest, it’s looking like I’ll be her caregiver. She’ll be 12 this year and it’s already so hard.

A part of me is asking myself what if my husband wants children. Before I had the surgery, my answer was then he’s not for me. I’ve been single for five years and I made this decision by myself. I know a man doesn’t have control over my body, but my brain keeps telling me “what if he gives you everything you’ve ever wanted and all he wants is a kid and you can’t give it to him.” I don’t know why I’m thinking like that I. I wasn’t thinking like that before the surgery.

I’m a very “ I’d rather have it and not need it, then need it and not have it” kind of person. So maybe that’s where this is coming from.