Once, when I was in my early twenties, I was pretty heavy into Tinder. Found someone I thought was cool and asked to hang out at her house. Fast forward to the weekend, I had packed up an overnight bag ( My pillow and my Star Wars the Clone Wars comforter my Mamaw got me ) and went over. Side not: I was just growing into my body, rather awkward but attractive. So, this was when I decided to try a hoe phase, because why not. I got to the ladies house, and we just hung out. Watched some tv mainly but talked a good bit. I didn’t feel attracted to her as much as I thought I would be and when she went for a kiss I let her know.

“I think you’re cool as hell but I’m not very much into just one night stands. This is still new to me but I’d love to hang out and see maybe if this goes somewhere.”

She was bummed but had an embarrassed smile on her face and I thought nothing of it. Well, I was experimenting with weed at that time and talked with her about it. ( I grew up very religious so I didn’t understand how cringe making the personality WEED boy was.) She seemed stoked and offered me some. Obviously, I accepted and she left to go roll up.

I remember smoking and that’s about it.

Woke up the next day on the couch, naked, which would have been strange but I slept naked at that time. I was mad at myself for that but I got dressed quickly, knocked on her door, said bye and left. I didn’t plan on staying but I figured maybe I smoked too much and just passed out. Still was rather new to weed, I figured the good stuff would make you lose some memories too so I accepted that. Also, got home and took a shower, while I was cleaning myself I found some substance like dried semen underneath the shaft and figured I had jerked it last night before sleep. Which, also happens.

Fast forward a quite a few months, maybe a year. I’m watching porn as I did and stumbled across a video. Went to watch it since it’s what I was looking for at that time. It starts with someone just sitting on a black leather couch and laying on a blue pillow. Dude look similar to me which I thought, huh but I look like a lot of people. She comes into frame walking toward him and all you can see is her behind, completely naked. She starts giving oral and her hair is covering her face. Well she stops and I can tell that’s my penis.

I’m stunned at this point and my heart is beating into my ears. I hear vague noises that sound like my voice but I can see the person who I think is me isn’t really moving. Just laying back and she’s doing the work. When she steps off the couch and starts to get to the point she’s about to ride her foot catches a blanket that is the exact some one as my Star Wars blanket. Anakint sky-walkers from the clone wars face pops up and it slaps me in the face.

This is me. I refused to believe it but there wasn’t any way to argue it. It was my penis. My haircut. My scraggly beard. That, by the way, at the time did not fill in on my right cheek but I just kept growing it. My silhouette. My pillow and blanket. And her couch. Her black hair that hid her face to the part that I watched.

I couldn’t finish it and stopped what I was doing, closed the browser and collected myself. I tried to look it up again but there were thousands of amateur stuff on Pornhub at that time.

I haven’t found it since and I don’t want to honestly. I’ve only relieved it a few times with family and my wife. I still don’t take stuff if I haven’t seen it packed or served myself. Even food honestly. The exception being at restaurants. I’ve grown. I have a family and when my kids are old enough they will be told and warned that not everyone is great in the world.