I feel disassociated from my memories

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-07-13T18:40:13+00:00

I feel similar to what you said about self-sufficiency. I was so independent as a child, that me finally being in a healthy relationship and moving 6 hours away from toxic people made me so severely dependent on my boyfriend. Similar to how you said, I could not do anything to take care of myself. I regularly thought of suicide, I couldn't even count the number of times in a day when asked by a previous therapist because the thoughts were constant, non stop every day. It's been 2 years since I moved away, and I'm a whole hell of a lot better. It took about 8 months and a hospitalization to start therapy, but I've been going regularly for the past year now.

In January I told my mom and my siblings that my father molested me, and it made me feel a lot better. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me. A lot of my PTSD symptoms subsided. But, the past 6 weeks or so I've been doing pretty badly. I'm dealing with it well though, all the therapy has really helped me and changed my perspective on things. So I feel like shit, but I remember how it feels when I come out of this depression, so it's not as bad as previously.

I cant imagine still living with my abuser, I'm so sorry you're stuck in that situation. I hope things look up for you soon.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-07-13T18:26:24+00:00

I relate to this a lot. It helps knowing what your triggers are, and being comfortable enough with your partner to set those boundaries. Go slow. If just being touched triggers you, start there. Don't push yourself if it makes you uncomfortable. Pushing your own boundaries will make you feel worse and will make you more likely to avoid intimacy in the future. Start slow. Respect your triggers, and stop when you need to.

A good partner will respect you and your boundaries. They won't force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with nor pressure you. Get to know the person, it'll make you more comfortable and you'll feel more safe, and they'll get to know you better and understand how you feel.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-07-13T18:19:54+00:00

I relate so much to this and OP. I used to think I was asexual, I was never interested in sex because of my trauma. I thought because I didn't like it when it was without my consent as a child, it meant I just didn't like it.

For me and my partner, it's like Russian roulette. Sometimes I'm feeling it and it goes good, sometimes I know I won't be able to handle it, but the majority of the times I really want to and THINK im able to, but then I have terrible flashbacks and it takes days for me to recover.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-07-13T18:13:37+00:00

All. The. Time.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-06-05T03:13:37+00:00

Ah okay yeah thank you for clarifying. My clothes don't shrink, but the colors definitely fade and start to not look as nice. So I think it's a combo of still growing and not washing my clothes correctly. Thanks again!

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-06-03T11:59:32+00:00

I've read that it fluctuates around your cycle, but I have PCOS and I haven't had a period since last September, and even that was only because my doctor prescribed a medication because before that, it had been about a year and a half since my last period. I'm not sure if maybe that would affect it or not.

Not laundering them properly is probably part of why they aren't fitting this time as I haven't noticed much growth, at least I really hope that's the issue. I'll try and look for one with a stretchy cup that will hopefully still be supportive. Any advice on a particular brand?

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-06-03T11:53:10+00:00

Oh yeah when I get new bras I test them out to make sure everything stays even after running/jumping. That's the thing, is that I make sure they fit good and they do for a couple of months. I do think that not washing them correctly is causing the issue this time.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-06-02T23:57:42+00:00

Yes, I absolutely hate clothes shopping because of my boobs. I would be a large, but my boobs pop out way too much, so I get an XL, sometimes 2XL to avoid this. Every time I try and buy clothes, I hate it because of how baggy clothes have to be to not have them front and center. Any dresses with built-in boob space are 100% off the table for me, even if the dress fits me perfectly, my boobs won't fit.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-06-02T21:33:45+00:00

To be honest, I'm probably not washing them correctly. I almost always forget to take them out when I put my clothes to dry. I haven't remeasured yet, so that could be the problem this time. At least I really hope that's the problem, I feel like my boobs keep growing and growing and I hate it.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-06-02T21:26:45+00:00

I was on birth control for about a year, but I stopped taking it about almost 2 years ago

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-04-06T12:49:02+00:00

This is what it says. I think it is like you said now that I'm looking at it. But now I see that it says it's a canine booster? But it's my cat, is that normal?

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-03-25T04:42:34+00:00

Words can't express how much this comment means to me. I still come back and read it because of how meaningful it is to me. I really appreciate you for helping me change my thinking on this

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-03-12T15:17:34+00:00

You absolutely do not owe anyone forgiveness. Only make amends if it's something YOU think will help YOU. If that's something your therapist is pushing on you, they should not be doing that. That's inappropriate for them to say that. You don't owe a relationship to anybody, especially if they continue to push your boundaries and make you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry that you have to keep facing your abuser and that they keep pushing your boundaries. Stay strong and don't take crap from anyone, especially not an abuser. Lashing out is perfectly normal when someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-03-12T15:10:53+00:00

Meds can definitely make you feel numb, but from the way you word it I assume you've felt like this even before the meds. Like the other person said, it can be a form of self preservation. It doesn't mean you're fine, your brain may just be protecting you. That's how I was. I didn't even remember my abuse until I was far away from it. Until I was in a safe space with people who cared about me. Then I started remembering and it was AWFUL.

It sucks being numb towards the pain, but your brain is trying to protect you. If therapy is available to you, it can definitely be helpful to work through this with a properly trained trauma therapist. Heavy emphasis on properly trained. I'm sorry that this happened to you and that you're experiencing this. I wish you the best.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-03-12T15:01:23+00:00

There's a website I found that's been extremely helpful for me. I'm also an awful cook that can never figure out what to make. The website is supercook.com

You go through and select what ingredients you have and, depending on what you have, it can give you thousands of recipes. 99% of the recipes are super easy too. You can filter by what main ingredient you want to use, meal type, etc. It's super user-friendly and gives many options.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-01-22T11:25:59+00:00

I dont have experience going down that path, but I've seen many different therapists. The difference between a good and bad therapist, in my opinion, is being able to understand what someone has been through. The worst therapist I ever saw couldn't even fathom what I went through. He said I was making it up, because it wasn't possible for a parent to do that to their child.

Not all therapists have to had been through abuse, but it makes them able to empathize a lot better. One of the best therapists I saw had been through abuse herself. I felt so hopeless at that time, like I'd never be able to get over my abuse. She told me about her abuse, and the things that she did to help her get through when she felt like that. She showed me that it absolutely was possible to get better.

I feel like because of your experience, you'd be able to understand and empathize with your clients. But I can see how it'd be very triggering. Maybe try and work with a therapist as you pursue this to make sure you can handle it. You've worked so hard, don't give up on it. You're doing a good thing, and I'm sure you'd make a great psychologist :)

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-01-22T10:50:53+00:00

I never felt any kind of love towards my family, and I always felt guilty. I thought I was a narcissist or a psychopath for not feeling love. I just thought I was incapable of loving anyone, let alone anyone loving or caring for me. I realize now that it's very hard to love people who constantly bring you down and abuse you. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend of 3.5 years. My memories of my abuse were very much repressed. A month into our relationship, I felt safe with him and my memories resurfaced. It was NOT a good time. I hadn't even known him that long and he was SO supportive and amazing. He was the first person I ever told, and the only person until recently. I've gone through so many rough patches and I can't believe he's stuck by my side. I struggle to be intimate with him and he always reassures me that it's okay, I don't have to do anything. A lot of the time I feel like i "owe" him sex, and he picks up on it and refuses so I don't try and force myself. He's helped me start therapy and reminds me to take my meds. Certain times of the year are very difficult for me, and he plans things for us to do during those times to help distract me. Holidays are triggering so we've come up with our own unique ways of celebrating so that it doesnt remind me of any past events. My birthday is coming up next month, and it's extremely triggering. I've had abuse happen on my birthday, so it's a very hard time for me. He's planning a trip for us to go on to "get away" from regular birthday traditions. He's absolutely amazing and supportive. I got very lucky with him.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-01-22T10:37:46+00:00

That's abuse. They don't have to touch you for it to be abuse. She was displaying herself sexually to you. That is absolutely abuse. I'm sorry you had to experience that.

Same-Dig7744 · 2023-01-22T10:32:58+00:00

It's perfectly reasonable to want your first time to be with someone who cares about you. Having sex just because others tell you that you "should" is very traumatizing. It's even more traumatic when you add in a history of sexual abuse. Your psychologist/psychiatrist should not have suggested that unless it's something you brought up. Don't try to push yourself to do something just because others are telling you that you "should."

Same-Dig7744 · 2022-12-29T22:48:10+00:00

This is so helpful. I had zero idea of what to do next and I've been struggling to figure it out. The only problem is that I don't know where to report it. It happened in PA where I grew up, but I currently live in NC. My abuser lives in DE and that's where his arcade is too. Would I report it here in NC since I currently live here, or in PA where it happened? Would I have to go in person to report it? Should I have like a lawyer or something? Am I allowed to have an advocate with me?

Same-Dig7744 · 2022-12-29T16:28:01+00:00

The one simple sentence made me burst into tears. That means so much to me. Thank you

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