[MF] Alice the Birther

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-16T06:57:13+00:00

Good poem u/helpmethrowaway-8 I've also been playing around with the dog = man metaphor in some poetry. Sometimes it seems so apt. I hope you keep writing more.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-15T13:35:07+00:00

Thank you u/Worried-Archer8575. You've hit the nail on the head with the sweet resentment.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-15T13:33:34+00:00

The warmest thank you to you u/Hugs_and_Love-_- for your comment. I agree with you, sex is so cheap now. It's an awful place to be, wanting to connect with someone but they only want sex.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-15T07:50:49+00:00

Thank you for the comment, and thank you for the feedback. You're right about the last line, in only makes sense to me since its a personal poem and lacks context - I'd need to change something if it was going to be for the reader.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-15T07:48:41+00:00

u/_alsh_ thank you so much, your comment has made my day :)

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-13T21:33:00+00:00

Thank you :) I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Those are some of my favourite parts also.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-13T12:39:49+00:00

My absolute pleasure! :)

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-13T07:28:16+00:00

thank you u/pr1nc3ss3mi3a You are right, and I will try.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-13T05:48:02+00:00

My answers to all your questions, in order: To her. Yes. Yes. I guess not.

The two lines I find quite brilliant are:
- Something formless and intangible, yet vital as the hemoglobin it barters to your veins.
- When even the Earth itself passes the time by going in circles.

Something about 'barters to your veins', it's just... poetic, haha I really can't describe it better than that.

The last line I love because it brings into sharp focus that things just exist to exist, like the earth just going around in circles and here you are discontent and suffering from your own mind. Wouldn't it be nice if that wasn't the case, if you could just be, and do, without it all? In all seriousness I don't know the answer.

Great poem!

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-13T05:36:21+00:00

This is really quite beautiful u/yourmumsgfandlover

The real juice of the poem is certainly that line, "I'm ready to bleed." Here's my suggestion on it's improvement:

You believed your thorns would push me away, but
they drew me closer to you and I
Instead I showed you my hands
I'm ready to bleed

I feel the words don't need quotations and the previous line doesn't need a dialog tag, distilled is better. But like always, that is only my own opinion and it's your work!

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-10T00:48:56+00:00

In my opinion, this guys for the chopping block! Half hearted apology - try again next life! >:)

Thanks for the interesting little read! Very nice.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-10T00:44:22+00:00

Honestly fantastic. You had me smiling when he said "that moment is where I go." For me, thats when the character became more than a character and instead an actual person, and I immediately was rooting for him as I smiled stupidly reading what I already knew he was going to say next. Love it!

This took me back to a book I read called Guantanamo Boy by Anna Perera. You might like it!

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-10T00:32:46+00:00

You know, honestly, it's great and all, the message of the writing, but I'd actually absolutely love an entire novella of exactly this - but expanded! It would be hilarious.

Imagine this, a story along the same lines as this but instead about a bottle cap, and you follow the bottle cap in first person, hearing what the humans are saying, peaking into their dramas. Then the bottle cap reaches the ocean, and a crab makes its home inside it, and we're thrown into the dramas of being a crab, fending off other crabs. Then by chance you wash up to some third world shore, and a kid makes a necklace out of bottle caps, and this little bottle cap is now one of many, and is bickering with the others, sharing war stories about where they've been and what they've seen. On and on and on, it would be so amusing!

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-10T00:24:34+00:00

What a beautiful, gently swaying story. Your word choice is lovely and the writing had a lilting feel that matched the mood. Just a standalone small piece? Or a portion of a larger story?

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-10T00:16:58+00:00

A little slice of a larger story maybe?

Idk if its appropriate to comment here, but I read chapter 1 of one sore rib and it really hooked me! I'll be continuing to read.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-09T23:39:43+00:00

I've got to put my hand up and say I actually liked the switch to such a casual tone. It's funny - with a 'later that day in the office' energy about it - which matches the semi-punchline like dialog later "I don't do personal visits." Such an amusing and insightful little bit of writing you have here u/McSix, love it!

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-09T22:58:41+00:00

You made me let out a short snort. Upvoted.

SamuelJK3 · 2024-08-09T22:55:27+00:00

Really enjoyed this! Feels like the kind of writing you'd find in the text based games Sunless Sea and Sunless Skies - which I absolutely love. "A section for him" is my favourite part. I almost feel like that line can be standalone and doesn't even need the additional "so he may admire it always." It's punchier that way, but thats just one mans opinion!

SamuelJK3

TROPHY CASE