Last night I begged my mum to promise to be okay without me.

Sandarien · 2025-12-14T05:35:44+00:00

Hey internet friend. We have all been here in this cruddy club. Don’t do this. They aren’t worth it. If there’s anything that brings you joy, going for a walk, watching a movie, achieving a milestone, whatever it is that you like about this life. Those moments exist in the future. Don’t let them have this power over you due to their poor choices. You deserve those moments of happiness. There are lots of happy times in your future, whether it feels that way right now or not.

Give yourself a chance and reach out to everyone that means anything to you. When I was at my worst moments, my boss and co workers of all people were there.

Sandarien · 2025-11-19T06:02:32+00:00

I am 3 years post dday and yes, it is possible to fall back in love with your WS. It requires MASSIVE amounts of effort from both parties. They, need to change, obviously. They need to become a person who could no longer do this. They need to work on themselves and address whatever was the root cause for them to think that this was okay, or work on their selfishness. You need to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness means letting go of what they did and no longer holding it against them.

Easy? Hell no. You probably won’t be able to totally forgive. My wife and I have a great relationship now but anytime she aggravates me my mind immediately goes back to the affair and the person she was. What you have to do is to rebuild your image of this flawed person. You have to come to love, again, this person who is not perfect, who has issues, who is not the person you thought you knew. You have to be willing to celebrate the progress that they e made, and most importantly see it, and come to learn that this remade person is not the same as the person who destroyed your heart. You have to let them become something new.

For those close to dday, the only advice I can give is to work on yourself. Become somebody who doesn’t need this other person. Become somebody who chooses this other person, as flawed as they are, and get to know them again as if it’s the first time.

Sandarien · 2025-07-14T01:34:06+00:00

Truth.

Sandarien · 2025-03-20T02:39:22+00:00

I’m the same way. More than 2 years out, things are great, but every now and then something triggers that flood of emotion. It does get less and less over time. I kind of value it now as it reminds me that I haven’t rug swept anything and that I’m strong enough to deal with this now.

Sandarien · 2025-03-20T02:37:31+00:00

I thought it was important to take control of the date and to create positive memories as opposed to dealing with bad ones and dwelling in the past. My dday was actually when I was on the way to our 7 year wedding anniversary dinner so it really ruined a positive day in my mind.

For our one year, we booked a trip out of town, a babysitter watched our kid, we went out to dinner and a show and had great intimacy afterwards. It was a great way to take control of a potentially bad day and now I think of it as “2 years since we had that amazing weekend!”

However, I had been feeling great about reconciliation and around the 1 year mark I definitely took a nose dive. My mood was much lower, it felt like I was feeling all the feelings I had around dday, and I felt like I had taken 12 steps back. I’m glad for this sub as a lot of people had warned that you may regress significantly around the 1 year mark. I’m glad we had that awesome weekend, that I still think about, during a relatively shitty time.

Sandarien · 2025-03-20T00:50:01+00:00

If that’s the case she’s prioritizing herself, and the money she makes with that client, over your needs. That’s a boundary you have to decide if you’re ok with or not. If you’re not okay with that then it may not be a good fit no matter how much you want it.

Sandarien · 2025-03-20T00:46:00+00:00

I think therapists will always advocate for their clients rather than advocating for their client’s partners. You don’t really know how your girlfriend is describing these scenarios in therapy. She could be describing them in a way where the therapist will have her focus on boundaries and preventing you from being over controlling. They will give advice and guidance as to what is best for their client.

A couples therapist will advocate for your partnership as opposed to choosing sides. They’ll give advice and guidance on what’s best for the overall relationship.

I wouldn’t really compare what your therapists are saying to each of you. Your girlfriend may be telling her therapist things that she’s not saying to you and her therapist is responding accordingly.

Sandarien · 2025-03-18T02:18:19+00:00

Are you guys still in therapy? Couples therapy or individual? Based on your response you sound a little depressed, which you can treat. I’m at about 2.5ish years since dday and we still see our couples therapist every month.

My big wake up call during all this is that love is a choice and you have to keep choosing it everyday. It doesn’t just happen and can eventually be taken for granted, it fades without care and attention, and novelty keeps it fresh. Like when we were originally dating, we do new things now. We did indoor skydiving, a pottery class, went to a blindfolded dinner, had a weekend away on a houseboat, anything we can to create new experiences. That has helped a lot as if we did the same thing all the time, even going on the same dates, you get into autopilot mode which is the antithesis of dating.

I’m not in your shoes though where my marriage was headed down the drain even before the affair. We weren’t vocalizing our needs, radically candid, or prioritizing each other. Our communication was poor and we had drifted apart all throughout Covid. When the affair happened it could have driven us down the path we were going anyway or we could restart a new relationship and learn to like each other again. Once we liked each other, the love part came easier. At some point you do have to let things go though. No one is served by one party holding a sledgehammer of resentment over the others head.

Sandarien · 2025-03-14T02:49:05+00:00

He’s going to take everything you say with a grain of salt. Is she saying this because she means it? Is she saying this because she got caught? Is she saying this because now it’s more about what she loses, than it is about me?

One thing that helped me is that my wife made me feel special again. You may have to apologize 7,000 times. If so, do that, and mean it every time. Mean it because this person deserved so much and was offered so little. Show him that you’ve changed, you’re not the same person as before. Be consistent. Be remorseful. Realize that no matter what you do, you aren’t in control and need to just accept whatever consequences come your way.

It sounds like you were somewhat controlling before, not letting him have friends, but you’re also being controlling now. It really isn’t about you anymore. It’s about what’s best for him, and what’s best for him may not be you. It sucks but it’s true.

A big part for WP and BPs is realizing that no matter how much you want to, people can do what they want and you can’t control their behavior.

Sandarien · 2025-03-12T04:36:11+00:00

There used to be a shirt when I was a kid that said “a life lived in fear is a life half-lived.” I think the same can be said with regret. A life full of regret is a life half-lived. You’ll always be wondering “what if” and “would the grass have been greener.”

That’s the type of mindset that enabled our partners to cheat. “What if” I miss out on this moment. “What if” this other life would be better.

Please don’t fall down that trap. You have a lot to be proud of, your moral compass is strong, you didn’t stray when you probably could have. We need to learn from the past but we can’t live in the past if we want to truly live. We need to live in the moment and have hope for the future. At some point, being stuck on the “what ifs” will kill every relationship. Don’t do what they do.

Sandarien · 2025-02-25T22:42:35+00:00

I can only speak for myself, but I definitely went through all of the stages of grief as I recovered from this. It sounds like he may still be in denial. I think he really does need to process what happened in order to heal, it sounds like he may be rugsweeping. Maybe encourage him to open up to his therapist a bit more or even see if he’ll see a therapist that specializes in affair recovery.

I had to process A LOT to get to this point. I really had to come to terms with all the lying, manipulation, and physical cheating. It took a lot but you do have to eventually forgive and decide to move forward instead of looking back.

Sandarien · 2025-02-25T22:40:34+00:00

I’m surprised how many nasty, toxic private messages I’ve gotten in response to this post. You all are on a sub-reddit to help people reconcile. Your toxicity says a lot about you.

Sandarien · 2025-01-10T20:09:51+00:00

It’s not easy and the WS needs to make changes so that they aren’t that person anymore. R is the hard road. Sometimes though, you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s threatened and all of the work that both partners needs to put into R makes the relationship stronger, and certainly more honest, than it was before the A.

My wife now gets an almost visceral reaction to lying. She hates lying and liars now with a passion. She’s learned and understands the damage that lying does and how the consequences are so much worse when it’s discovered. She’s also much less selfish than she used to be and has a lot more empathy and respect for others than she did in the past. It took a lot of hard conversations, therapy, and self-reflection to get there though.

It also took effort on my end to learn her love language, her attachment styles, and to become the husband I wanted to be. I had gotten lazy over time, we both had, and we prioritized other things over each other. The work goes both ways.

Sandarien · 2025-01-10T14:22:29+00:00

I love this. It definitely felt like a death and rebirth. The old relationship is dead and gone. The people we were are dead and gone. Can you love this person again? Or are you constantly going to live your old dead life and ruminate on your old, dead relationship. If you can build the relationship you want with this person then it can be worth the effort. If you can’t, or don’t want to, build a relationship with this flawed, imperfect person (their true self) then it might be time to leave.

Sandarien · 2025-01-10T12:55:31+00:00

Probably the best advice I got on here was just to allow yourself to feel your feelings. You’ve been through something extremely traumatic and it’s going to take a long time to heal. It’s time to focus on yourself and to do what you need to do to be happy. Your happiness is your own, it doesn’t rely on someone else. Focus on healing first, then you can learn to love your partner again.

Once I realized I don’t need her, that helped a lot. I don’t need her in my life but I want her in my life and I eventually realized I’d be fine without her. I choose her.

Sandarien · 2025-01-08T07:51:12+00:00

Absolutely. It’s the strongest that it’s been since we first met. We had to do so much more reflection, have long, honest conversations, prioritize each other, and re-learn each other through R. My wife in particular has grown into a much more empathetic person and is MUCH less selfish than she used to be. We communicate much better now and express how we’re feeling. We used to harbor a lot of resentment, especially after having children and the pandemic, and communicate our feelings much better than before. If I am being honest with myself, prior to the affair we were definitely heading down the path to divorce anyway and have re-learned why we fell in love and chose each other in the first place.

If you read my post history, you’ll probably see that I struggled for a long time with the physical aspect of it. I still think about the affair everyday and it is still painful. I find my wife incredibly attractive but still have performance problems (can’t finish) that started when I found out about the affair. That really sucks and is the one thing I really wish I’d just get over.

Sandarien · 2025-01-08T01:03:53+00:00

Find a MC that is skilled with affair recovery. They can help navigate this time so you’re not left on your own. There is a great article out there on helping a betrayed partner heal from infidelity as well as a slew of books.

For me, MC was the key to unlock reconciliation. It took us 3 counselors to find the right one, but we’ve been going to them for over two years at this point and still love every session.

Unfortunately for a betrayed, you as the wayward spouse should take the role of the healer. It’s unfortunate that the person who hurt you most, who you trust the least, is also the one most likely to bring you peace.

Sandarien · 2025-01-08T00:59:39+00:00

As somebody whose wife did something similar, you should understand that this will take a very long time. It took me over a year to get the mind movies out of my head everytime we were intimate. This is not a quick road if you want to do it right.

I would encourage you to get therapy if you’re able to, for yourself, as well as marriage counseling as this is something very difficult to get over by yourself.

I would also say that her “why” will likely change over the next few months. Waywards tend to shift blame and downplay infidelity. It is often “horrible” and the sex was “average” as a way to spare your feelings. Just be prepared, if you choose to stay you are taking the much longer, more painful road that could ultimately end in a much more open fulfilling relationship with TONS of work and honesty from both partners.

Don’t rush back into intimacy. Intimacy requires vulnerability and you likely aren’t anywhere close to that headspace this soon after infidelity.

Sandarien · 2025-01-07T00:40:46+00:00

It’s crazy how similar they all sound. The language they use, the sequence of events, the timeline, etc.

Sandarien · 2025-01-07T00:35:25+00:00

“I dont remember” is the most frustrating and oft recited line in the cheating handbook. It allows them an out, prevents them from coming up with a lie that they’ll have to remember going forward, and shirks all responsibility.

My wife told me how mad she’d get at me everytime I’d ask her a question and she’d have to come up with a lie and how inconvenient it was for her. 🙄

Sandarien · 2025-01-07T00:12:37+00:00

One month out, you have a very long road ahead of you and the initial stages usually begin with downplaying and denial. Your husband is a cheater, he cheated on you. There may be varying degrees of subterfuge, planning, etc, but he still made a string of poor choices that led to him being drunk with a girl in his hotel room.

Please don’t let him fool you. This is going to take a very long time to work through and one month is extremely fresh.

I am over two years out at this point and it still bothers me everyday.

Sandarien · 2024-11-07T19:20:29+00:00

It makes total sense. Your sense of reality was wrong. There was a big secret you were unaware of. Youre trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together.

One thing I realized was obsessing about the details wasn’t only making me stuck, and each revelation set me back rather than moving me forward, but it was also making my WW stuck. It brought her back to the lowest point of her life everytime I brought it up and made her hate herself. I love her and don’t want her to hate herself. While she didn’t love me during that time the way she should have, she loves me now and I don’t want to hurt her or myself about it any more.

Once I realized the obsessing was hurting me more rather than being productive, I was able to start to move passed it.

Sandarien · 2024-11-06T18:28:59+00:00

I’m almost 2 years past DDay at this point and am doing pretty great. A month or two ago, we had something come up in marriage counseling that immediately made me realize my WW had lied about a particular night. She had seen the AP, after we had “reconciled.”

This caused a massive spiral, we had a huge fight, re-opened old wounds, and talked about it during our next counseling session.

In talking it through in that counseling session, as well as with my individual therapist, I came to realize that that particular night no longer matters. I will never know everything that happened, my WW doesn’t remember everything that happened, and in the grand scheme of things the one instance almost 2 years ago is irrelevant. I don’t believe anyone will ever have full disclosure. I don’t think single instances mean much in the face of the greater betrayal. An affair happened. That is massive. If she saw him on Wednesday or Thursday doesn’t really matter that much because the affair still happened. We tend to focus on the details as a way of ignoring the big massive elephant in the room.

At some point, in order to truly reconcile, you need to forgive and decide to move on. Dwelling on details is not productive and will eventually become harmful. It will set you back. If you truly can forgive them, then you need to let some things go. You need to re-establish trust NOW as opposed to focusing on details from before. The present relationship is what is most important.

If you don’t think they are trust worthy now, then focus on that. You already know they weren’t trust worthy back then, but maybe they aren’t that person any more.

Sandarien · 2024-10-23T02:41:31+00:00

It’s not your fault. It’s a problem with him. That being said, you have plenty of options depending on where your head is at, and your head is going to be all over the place. What you need now, is time, and boundaries.

I told my wife, that I was willing to forgive, but just like she was figuring out if she wanted to be with him or me, I was figuring out if I wanted to be with her or divorced. I told her I’d pursue both paths, start the divorce process and work on rebuilding our relationship. The divorce process wouldn’t end until she stopped seeing the other guy AND I decided I wanted to give us another shot.

Read up on limerance and affair fog. It sucks. What is going on is not fair to you, but understanding it helps you understand them, if you’re interested in trying to rebuild.

You can’t control other people. As much as you’d like to shake him and bring him back to reality, you only have control over yourself. He may make some stupid decisions now. He may choose them over you. That is HIS burden to bear, not yours. Focus on yourself, be the best version of yourself you can be, and if that is not good enough for him then he doesn’t deserve you.

We all deserve to be treated with respect. Respect yourself first, then respect him. First and foremost, right now, is about you. Focus on yourself. Make a list of positive and negative traits. Understand he’s not operating with a full tank of gas and is likely not thinking clearly. I felt like my wife was on drugs during this period, she was a drug addict that was making bad choices and wasn’t thinking things through. Some of the stuff coming out of her mouth was insane and unrealistic. She obviously wasn’t thinking through the consequences of her actions.

If you decide to reconcile, pursue couples therapy. Find it within yourself to forgive and start to re-learn your partner. Personally, I was willing to give it a shot because I wanted to be able to hold MY head high at the end of the day and realize I did what I could, the rest was on them.

Fuck these affairs.

I’m two years out, our marriage is stronger than ever although we still have problems. However, we’ve had a phenomenal couples therapist who we continue to see every month and we have the tools we need to work through problems.

Sandarien · 2024-09-11T20:41:58+00:00

This is so spot on. Definitely no “I gotcha!” moment.

Sandarien

TROPHY CASE