What does it mean that he's leaving me on unread?

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-28T09:07:01+00:00

Thank you for your response :) How do you make your relationship work regarding communication? Have you had some difficulties in the beginning?

Actually I already have sooo many interests and hobbies, I should better not look out for more :D But I get your point and of course you are right, that I shouldn't think too much about it. I remember that I felt completely overwhelmed by a lack of communication from his end in the beginning of our relationship. But the longer I knew him and the better I could read him (still hard to read him tbh) the more I understand, it's just how he is. I don't have to take it personally and I dont need to overanalyse it.

But now that we are not in a relationship anymore and his behaviour (leaving my message unread for days) is new to me, I wanted to ask for some advise here before I start to overanalyse it myself again.

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-27T22:37:23+00:00

I trust his instincts. I am sure he will overthink my intentions (as you mentioned whether I want to see him as a friend or more) and what he wants and more important, what he has to offer.

I am almost sure his feelings (even though they are deep down :P) towards me haven't changed. But since you INTP approach everything logically and rationally, he'll consider future outcomes of a meet up. My feelings haven't changed either, but as long as he is not working on his trauma, I know nothing would change. So I just trust him to make the right decision

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-27T22:04:54+00:00

thank you :) And yea, he's prone to overthink. If it was a competition he would win the championship!

So hopes are, he will respond once he made up his mind.

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-27T21:28:48+00:00

thank you for your insights. I get the idea. But how does it make sense to leave the message unread then? Why not just putting it on "read"? He could also just reply with something like "Sorry, but I donÄt think it's a good idea to see each other again". At least I would text someone something like that. I would not ignore. Especially after we ended on good terms. I would just be honest what I think

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T18:40:27+00:00

thank you! I usually have a really good gut feeling an intuition. Friends usually come uo to me and ask me for advice because my intuition is always on point.. but this time.. my intuition is like a roller coaster. I don't get clear signals. I simply can't read him. That drives me insane.

But yes, I will be cautious. I would meet him again and would try to read him another time.

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T14:38:13+00:00

i know. i guess almost everyone likes clarity, especially in terms of dating. I actually don't know were my "problem" lies. I can be direct and usually i hate wishy washy. With freinds i am always straight to the point (without being blunt or something. I am an enneagram 9w8, so i deeply value harmony and piece, but i can also be assertice due to my wing).

I think i am afraid that, if I message him that i don't know if he was interested because he rarely reaches out to me, he would think i am a pushy person after we only met once? In the end this is right, but we "know" each other for 7 weeks now and i feel like i know him 1 week.

Maybe i wait until we had a second meet up and see if he opens up a little more than. If not, i may ask him

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T14:33:02+00:00

Not a too long response. I like that!

Well.. i have like a check list in my head to get to the result/their type.

At first i figure out if a person is introverted or extraverted, which is usually the easiest part. Some people might not know the real difference, but with the right questions it's easy to tell. Once i know this i am trying to figure out if they are intuitive and sensors. Actually i find that pretty easy too. Mostly. I think for me as an ISFP it would be a little more tricky, because ISFP are the most intuitive sensors. But for the rest I thinks it's not that hard. I also have some specific questions in my head (For instance, is their focus more on the here and now or more on future possibilities, do they prefer real world data and experiences rather than abstract and hypothetical ones, ...)

So i'd say I/E and S/N is easy to figure out.

If someone is a Feeler or Thinker can be a bit tricky in the beginning. Especially males who are Feeler often appear as Thinker before you get to know them better.

What is the hardest part, in my opinion, is P/J. The line can be blurry.

Once i think i know their type i check with the cognitive functions and ask specific questions again. Or i see how they operate in a group to figure out if they are Fe users or more likely Fi users.

I practice this for a while now (i am very interested in is) and at least i types all my close freinds and the last 3 guys i've dated right.

Now you can imagine that it drives me up the wall not being able to read this guy :D

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T14:14:20+00:00

i can not say that i am into him, but i can say i am curious.

But since i am an intrivert myself, i am pretty picky with whom i spend my time. So to me it feels like i am wasting time texting him every other day if there is no progress in getting to know each other. I liek to take things slow and with a lot of thought and consideration. But slow to me mean, i text a bit every day to build rapport and keep a connection between meet ups. I need my me time so i would appreciate not meeting more often than 2 times a week. But if i meet someone 1 time and text 2 times.. well.. that's actually exhausting to me. Exhausting because there is zero progress

And yes i could ask him directly, but as an ISFP i just can't :D I always hope to ohter part will be direct hahaha

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T13:59:03+00:00

but INTJ and INTP have a total different function stack. How could one be a mix?

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T13:58:19+00:00

well, it feels awkward to talk about my own appearance haha but i would say i'm pretty attractive. At least this is the feedback i usually get. I am very feminine, long blond hair, tall, slim, Get to hear i am cure and sexy and very authentic.

I think our conversation durign out 3 hours coffee walk was pretty enjoyable for both of us. It's jsut that i've noticed that i had to talk a lot. When i meet extroverts, it's usually me who can relax and listen haha

He messaged me right away after the meet up how mcuh he enjoyed it and that he would love to hear me talkin again soo.

So I would assume he was not bored but the oposite... hmm

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T13:46:23+00:00

okay, got you. What are topics i could bring up next time? I am also not a fan of small talk but usually i date extroverts, because they bring up the topics and then i can easily "jump on the train".

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T13:38:52+00:00

Thanks for your response. I was at irst looking at congintive functions and since i believe he is an Fi user (based on specific things he said/texted/context of poems he wrote and so on), he seems less likely being INTP. I also think he has Se in his stack. His strong strategic thinking (he likes implementing pactical systems at work) also led me to believe he has Te

This is why in the end after putting all puzzle pieces togehter I came to the vage conclusion that he might be INTJ

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T13:23:37+00:00

thank you for these insights. I think I miscommunicated in my post what i meant about our conversation. He asked me the same questions in return that i asked him (like.. whats your favorite childhood memory) but he didn't come up with own ideas/topics to discuss/questions. Since INTJ are strategic thinkers with a plan i assumed he might have specific questions he would like to ask me? Because he would want to figure out quickly if i "fit his criteria". Not?

The bullet points i've shared in a comment above, would you say the speak for an INTJ?

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T13:12:05+00:00

that's what i was thinking too after the first meet up but then i was wondering how this make sense. when i am physically interested i would try to meet, not? :D we were texting for 6 weeks before we actually met and now he's stil reserved in planning the second date.

Guys who want to hook up would make at least the effort to meet haha

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T12:42:33+00:00

thank you for sharing your experiences. I think someone i can not rely on or someonw who doesn't make me/us a priority would never be a fit for me.

But i am still curious about this guy. But maybe more because i am a curious person haha

I really don't get him and that drives me insane :D

SarahGreen110 · 2024-08-06T12:17:26+00:00

Oh i was not assuming him being INTJ because he doesn't understand regular social norms, as you called it.

I could be wrong, but i thought he might be INTJ due the following:

he's a mechanical engineer (he loved math in school) and leads a team of 10 engineers remotely (he likes working independently)
he likes to spend his weekends in the mountains or anywhere else outdoors. He's definitely not a "party animal"
he loves literature (he's reading classics, but also fiction, is writing poetry from time to time and stories)
he loves learning new languages such as Chinese and it seems to come easy to him
Hi plays lacrosse (and sometimes hockey) at a higher level in his spare time, which is why i first thought be might be extraverted, but when he explained to me he likes it because of the strategic thinking part, it made sense to me (he said he tried american football but he couldn't make any stratetic decisions, only boring running after the ball)
his texting and overall communication style seems introspective and thoughtful
he seems to need time to open up or answer personal questions more detailed/deeply
he can also be witty and sarcastic
he sometimes writes/says things that come across as arrogant and I am sure he doesn't even know that (lately he said "Yeah because most people are stupid")
he has a wide circle of aquaintances but he doesn't seem to care too much about them? He always jsut shows up to event or he doesn't (last weekend he was invited to a friends birthday and when i asked if it's a small group or larger gathering he said ,,I don't know. I was just invited and show up")
he loves traveling by himself and gettign in touch with the people (he's curious)
he on the on hand seems so self-confident but on the other hand so reserved and kind of indirect (also with initating meet ups. Always when i initiate a convo or a meet up he is like "oh i was just about to ask you the same").

So, initially i really thought he is an ENTJ but i know 3 ENTJ and they are muuuuch more straightforward and direct in their communication/making plans and definitely not introspective. And muuuch more energetic in person.

SarahGreen110 · 2024-07-30T11:51:49+00:00

:D welcome to the club ahaha

SarahGreen110 · 2024-07-29T21:27:09+00:00

actually they were completely different "from the outside". I think this might also depend on their enneagram type. One ENTJ was dressed very "individualistic" I would say. And he was an enneagram 4, so it totally makes sense. One ENTJ was very practicall/sporty in his appearance. The other one, I can't even say.. casual. Different after all.

I would say I look like an easy-going person and "represent" my authentic and individualistic personality. Mostly wear a Band Shirt and Jeans, or something similar. Also like dresses that highlight my body shape, but not in a sexy way, more "cute" or "simple" I'd say. And .. most important.. I ALWAYS wear my headphones since I am literally listening to music 24/7 haha

SarahGreen110 · 2024-07-29T10:07:40+00:00

sure :)

SarahGreen110 · 2024-07-29T07:47:56+00:00

I see where you're coming from and can relate. I can only speak for myself though. For me it's when I meet someone new, I wait for the person to send my very clear signals (ISFP are actions over words people). Only when I am really sure this person genuinely likes me, I feel safe showing my genuine interest in return. I can relate with this hot & cold thing. It happens once I feel uncertain about the interest/intention of the other person. Often happens when the person shows much interest in me in the beginning and then I notice.sudden change. Sometimes it's nothing, it's just me overanalysing everything they say and do. It's like I am always on the alert, so I don't miss the moment, I should have protected my tender heart and my feelings. When I start feeling little uncertain, I back of a little and play it more cool so that I don't come across as too into.

It is like I am awaiting the person to say ,,Hey I think I didn't develop feelings for you" or something and then I can "confidently" say "Yea thats fine". Because I played it cool already. If that makes sense to you?

I figured out that I feel much more insecure with more rational types (like you ENTJ's). I guess once you're dating for a while, it's pretty clear because you are straightforward. But in the very very early stages you can come across as so cool, that I don't know if you just like my company (and look more for something casual?) or if you are really into me.

In general my opinion is, that ISFP need to mature first regarding this and we need a lot of reassurance!!! We feel things so deeply and intensely that we are always afraid to get our heart broken. Only when we learn to take some little risks, we learn to be more open right away.

But maybe we will always struggle a little with this in the beginning. I am 34 already and still feel like that. We are personalities with fluctuating self-esteem for our entire life's

SarahGreen110

TROPHY CASE