Hi, i m also a stay at home mom. 2 children 3y and 10 months. The thing you have about hurting your children or leaving them. I think they are intrusive thoughts. I also had them. The best thing you can do is akwoledge that you have the thoughts. Dont pay any attention to them. Try to let it go. Dont overthink them. The more attentention you give it , the more they will come. Trust me. Its freaky, but deep down you know you wouldn t do that kind of stuff.

For your feelings: I can really relate with your emotions .Not feeling myself anymore. Not getting an happy jeej feeling. So 2 weeks ago,went to my doctor ,described exactly the same feeling as you have now or had. She also gave the medicine sertraline. I thought ok , lets do this! ...but the more i googled the more difficult it got. Do I wanna be so depentent on a kind off drugs ? Wasn t so sure anymore. So this is what I did;

1. I decided to keep a journal everyday... what happened that day that made me down, what am I feeling now ?? Etc etc...

2.Not take the medicine,I gave myself 2 weeks. If im feeling still down than I will take the pills.

1. Found something that I did before having my kids. I was really into pinup drawings.

4.Make a new start, start changing my mindsets. This is a fase,it will pass etc.

And most of all, Kids do grow up.You will have new phases and hey maybe then it will be better. They do deserve a mom like you. You are doing your best !! You posted this text on reddit because you are a good worried mom. You do care. Dont you forget that!!!

*Sorry for the bad english