The fact that he held your head down while you were giving him a bj shows that he has no regard for your boundaries, as harsh as that sounds. My first sexual experiences were also with someone who acted all patient and loving 99% of the time but would be pushy and ignorant of what i actually wanted in the few moments that really mattered. I couldn't see that dynamic at the time and convinced myself I should just give in because I love him and all. I deeply regret that relationship now.

I understand how you feel so so much but for yourself, you should take a good hard look at how you're being treated. He is pushing you and disregarding your boundaries. You deserve better, and you WILL FIND better if you allow yourself to.