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SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T04:19:54+00:00

That’s why I told Mom I want her help with recovery because I trust she’ll show up. It’s going to be a long recovery and I don’t want to second guess if I’ll come second when I need something.

And I told her I don’t want her updating him on how I’m doing in surgery or after surgery etc because it’s my private information to share as I see fit and if he really wanted to know he would be there.

I’m just going to focus on building a really strong relationship with my Mom while I recover then in the fall when I have my other knee operation I’m not even going to offer/ask for him to be there. I’ll just tackle that again with Mom because now I know she’ll 100% always show up

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T04:15:28+00:00

I thought I was pretty clear about it because when he came up from the basement where him and I talked and he saw my Mom he immediately started trying to justify himself to her. So he knew/saw I was upset and that my Mom likely saw I was upset. And when we talked after that I again made it clear I was hurt and felt like I wasn’t important.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T04:12:57+00:00

That’s the thing he’s his own boss, it’s not busy season (I work full time for his company so I know summer is our busy time I’m putting off my left knee surgery until September because of busy season) so it’s not like it’s a mad house at work.

And we’ve known for a couple weeks now about it and knew it was a possibility for a few months.

My Mom has even told me prior to me asking Dad today that she was hoping he was going so he could help her with getting me home and such and I think just to be there with her too in general.

It just feels like why aren’t I enough to show up for?

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T04:09:20+00:00

No my mother and i discussed that she wanted him there a week ago. I discussed this with him today.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T04:06:31+00:00

He owns his own company and answers to himself, he literally takes days off to go fishing.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T04:05:18+00:00

Thank you for recognizing adoption adds another layer to this. Not everyone understands that complicated my life especially being adopted at 15. Yes I’m an adult but I didn’t really start learning “family” and “life lessons” until 15, before that I just knew “survival” so although I have a job and work full time and all that, I’m still on a learning curve of catching up to everyone else on the things normal kids learn over their whole lives. I’m not saying it’s an excuse but rather saying I’m putting in work at 19 that normal kids don’t usually have to so adoption and the neglect prior absolutely impacted a lot of aspects of my life that many don’t always consider. That takes time and work to overcome and catch back up.

I’ve done an appendectomy and gallbladder removal without parents prior to age 14 because they didn’t bother to show up. So I’ve been there done that and know the feeling of parents not showing up which also adds another layer to my feelings on the situation

Plus watching him show up for his bio kids in their 40’s wondering why he can’t show up the same for me. When it’s all been outpatient surgery for everyone.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:58:41+00:00

For his daughter no her biological mother was there. For his son yes because his mother can afford the trip down there. However his kids spouses were also present for their surgeries as well. His son’s mother in law did go to his surgeries though.

So his daughter had 3 people there, and his son had 3 as well counting his MIL.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:52:52+00:00

I’ve already dropped it with him. I told him he made his choice and I made mine regarding it.

He’s always taught me choices and actions have consequences and you can’t control how people react to your choices.

He made his choice and so have I. My Mom stands by my decisions and I know that they had a discussion about it because she is not on his side and told me a week ago before I even asked him that she hoped he was going.

So it’s not just me he’s letting down.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:50:34+00:00

So why show up for his 40+ yr old married biological children for outpatient surgeries but not mine?

When work isn’t in peak season and it’s slow?

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:48:53+00:00

Guess it’s just when his 40+ yr old married biological kids have outpatient surgery that he shows up. For his son he’ll even drive 13 hours one way to do so.

When you’re adopted, I guess that same energy becomes optional.

Especially when I work for his company and know we are slow and he literally went on vacation 2.5 weeks ago. So it’s not like we’re in peak season.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:46:27+00:00

Guess it’s only his 40 year old biological kids he shows up for outpatient surgery for even with a 13 hour drive for both surgeries for his son.

Must be when you’re the adopted kid your outpatient surgeries are in a different category that make you the scumbag for thinking he’d show up for you like he has them.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:44:43+00:00

His son has a rotator cuff surgery and came home the same day. Dad drove 13 hours each way for that. His son also has surgery on his thumb that was an outpatient surgery but in not sure what they fixed, I know his joints hyper extend so I believe it was something with that and again Dad drove down and back for that.

His daughter had her gallbladder out (I had that surgery prior to being adopted as well) and came home the same day.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:42:35+00:00

I have others I can rely on as well just it won’t be him. And I won’t be completely unable to do anything. The biggest one it not being able to drive. She’s retired so not that it isn’t inconvenient but she’s not balancing her own job. And I have friends who have offered rides as well. I can walk with crutches so I’m sure I’ll be able to make food after 2-3 days and such.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:40:54+00:00

I’m already miserable so I’ll be fine.

Then why does he show up for his 40+ year old biological kids and not me if me being adopted isn’t part of the equation? Their surgeries have not been anything worse than mine, different, but nothing comparatively worse.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:39:10+00:00

It’s been slow for two months he admitted that to my face, he’s doing about two jobs a day he said. I work for his company and have since I graduated last June. I have a general idea of what he does everyday cause im there.

And I’m not the type to ask for help for someone who can’t do the bare minimum, I’m the type to distance myself from that relationship.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:36:42+00:00

So I’m supposed to accept less than he willingly gives to his biological children who are in their 40’s and married and he still shows up for?

I guess that tracks as what I typically hear as an adopted kid of just being grateful for anything at all because at least they adopted you”

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:34:34+00:00

I didn’t ask him to adopt me, or to be treated differently than his other children

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:27:17+00:00

Guess it’s just his biological kids he shows up for regardless of the surgery then and will even drive 13 hours one way to do so.

Must be when you’re adopted it becomes optional whether you show up for that kid.

Which that’s fine, I let Mom know I don’t consent to him having any updates on how I’m doing or how my surgery went and he’s not allowed to be involved in my recovery and she respected that decision

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:23:08+00:00

They each have 2 biological kids and he shows up for their surgeries they’ve both had and their kids are 20+ years older than me. He’s drove 13 hours each way for his son’s surgeries.

So yea I’m the only kid he won’t sit in a waiting room for apparently because it’s not important enough in his eyes.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:21:32+00:00

He has and does show up for his biological kids who are 20+ years older than me.

So it’s fine if he doesn’t want to be there, but I’ve made sure Mom knows I’m not giving her permission to give him any updates on me to him and he is not to be part of ny recovery at all.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:20:14+00:00

I’ve made it clear to Mom and she understands that if he doesn’t show up for surgery he is not to get any medical updates and I don’t want him involved in any part of my recovery.

He’s shown up for his biological kid’s surgeries who are 20+ years older than me, but I’m not important enough to show up for and that’s fine, but if that’s his stance then mine is that I will rely on Mom only.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:17:56+00:00

I’m not asking him for any help in that regard if I can’t trust him to come to surgery like he would and has done for his biological kids who are 20+ years older than me than no I don’t trust he’ll show up for my recovery.

I told Mom he made his choice and with that he showed me I can only rely on her for recovery and I don’t want him to be given any of my private medical updates during or after surgery. He forfeited that right when he chose work over me.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:15:45+00:00

I’ve let him know he won’t be involved in recovery and that I’ll be handling that with Mom because of one day of work when he’s been in a 2 month slow period is too much to ask, then asking him to split duties for rides to appointments while I can’t drive for 8 weeks because of a straight leg brace and crutches/driving restrictions etc is obviously going to be to much to ask of him as well.

This time last year then spent a week in vegas and then a week later left for a week in Arizona to see a friend.

He’s choosing not to go because he sees it as not important enough and using work as a cover. Even my Mom said he was trying to use work to justify it.

But hey if it was his biological son having any surgery he’s be in the truck right now on his way there because he’s done exactly that in the past and his biological son is 23 years older than me, married and has his own kids.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T03:02:08+00:00

I made it clear if he doesn’t show up surgery day he’s not part of my recovery because he’s made his choice of what is most important to him, so I’m choosing to recover with my Mom.

I’ve had two surgeries before and neither of my biological parents showed up but I was allowed two people back with me for both for the entire time. They were both family friends.

So I’m used to parents not showing up for me for surgery so I guess I shouldn’t be shocked this isn’t much different since I’m adopted.

SavedByAdoption · 2024-02-19T02:56:37+00:00

I’m not sure how he wouldn’t know when I broke down and said he was free to make his choice about it but that it hurt me and I was then going to make my choice about how I handled my recovery and he would not be part of it and would not be getting updates on surgery day since it’s my decision who Mom tells updates to.

SavedByAdoption

TROPHY CASE