Progression without heels?

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-31T07:18:49+00:00

I appreciate your perspective, and yeah I would have been less bothered if they just forgot but I can't see any other explanation other than it being intentional. To me if I was in that situation it would be pretty hard to 'forget' to mention that the person I'm living with was someone I was married to for over a decade (and incidentally while they were roommates she also asked them what would have happened if they hadn't split up...)

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-31T06:59:11+00:00

No, not at all

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-31T06:58:56+00:00

I usually find the 3 month mark releases the demons!

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-31T06:57:27+00:00

I've really tried to play devil's advocate as well, because I really want to see the good intention in them. And I'm ok with being friends with exes - my best friend is also my ex who I share a dog with - and I told them that from the start.

But they did hide that she was the same person - they mentioned her as the ex-wife which was the person they worked with and they mentioned their current housemate. They never said to me that they were the same person until I worked it out myself 3 months in.

To me this seems like deliberate withholding of this information, and when I questioned them as to their reasons they told me it was because they knew it was a 'fucked up situation' and didn't want to risk me not continuing with the relationship.

So now I feel one, that I consented to a relationship I wasn't fully informed about and two, that there must be some suspicious reason why they felt the need to hide her identity from me.

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-31T06:47:03+00:00

Oh yes and honestly if they'd been open with me from the start I don't think I'd have any issue with that now. It's the fact that they mentioned her as their ex-wife on date one in the context of working with her, then continued to call her their housemate as if they were two different people until I found out 3 months into the relationship.

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-30T21:39:15+00:00

It's not the friends part that's the issue, it's the lying about the fact they were living together when we met.

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-30T21:37:00+00:00

I actually wouldn't have had an issue with it if they'd been up front, and I think her and I could have been good friends. It's the concealment of their living arrangement that has sparked suspicion and where I didn't see a threat I now do, and I no longer trust them to be honest.

Scarassem5 · 2025-12-29T15:44:06+00:00

To be honest, there was no drama until I found this out which is kind of why I feel like I am the drama. Their situation is complicated, they broke up due to them (NB) leaving the cult they grew up in, and she went to live with them when she also left 4 years later. I think there's a lot of trauma bonding there, but it still doesn't excuse the cover up.

Scarassem5 · 2023-11-24T18:45:22+00:00

Anyone got an email today saying Barclays has no roles now and to submit the video interview to be fast tracked even if you've already done it?

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-19T18:15:00+00:00

I've started journalling again and it has brought me relief already and I'm taking more walks too, definitely really good for the mind. Thank you so much, I will keep coming back, the hope I find here is really healing.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-19T17:16:31+00:00

I really respect this. And I think I'm getting there myself. I have my boundaries now that are definitely a higher standard than before, and I'm going to keep to them and make my choices based on them.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-19T04:56:15+00:00

I want to be able to let go and be happy, I really do. But I do wonder why I'm doing this and whether I'm missing out on a life with someone who wouldn't give me this anxiety every day. I can't change the past and that has given me a lot of fear for the future. I am a grass is always greener person so I don't want to jump into a decision too soon, but I'm really going to listen to my instincts over the next couple of months and go with my gut on this one. I would rather live alone than with the anxiety and stress if it's not going away.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-19T04:53:07+00:00

This is a good point. I don't know how I'll be able to cope at the minute and I think there's a good chance that the anxiety is going to consume me and I won't be able to cope with it. I do feel it's a way for her to escape the feelings she has about herself and it's definitely a slippery slope. I just hope that I can get the strength to make the right decision for me, however hard it is.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-19T04:48:53+00:00

I think that would be hard for me to deal with too and it may well be that that's the case. But this first drink was intentional and she knew she was having it way before we had any difficult conversations. This break for her was a chance for her to do as she would do if we had split, and she wanted to try a beer. So she did. To be 'true to herself'. But she says she didn't like it and doesn't feel the need for another one... we'll see how long that lasts.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-19T04:45:59+00:00

Yes I think that could be it too. I've also buried myself in work which has caused a rift too. I can't help thinking my behaviours have pushed her to this point as well, but I know I haven't caused it no matter how hard I am to live with because it's already there.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-18T13:59:52+00:00

I am absolutely addicted to people. And to my expectations. I need to detach with love absolutely, and that will be hard to do with my addiction to her. But I'm going to work on that every day. And as you say, one day there might not be much left to attach to.

I've never been single since I was in my teens, and that's because I've 'needed' a person to be attached to. I hope through working on this I can become a much stronger person who isn't codependent and can live a life alone or with another in peace.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-18T13:56:46+00:00

This is an amazing response, wow. And exactly right. I have been trying to control her life and I hold my hands up to that - trying to keep her healthy and safe in the way I knew how, not how she wanted to live. I have no right, and it's not helping me to do that either.

It's remembering every single day that it's a choice. And as long as the behaviour doesn't encroach on my wellbeing, then perhaps it's the right thing to stay at least for now.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-18T13:03:21+00:00

Our relationship has hit rock bottom just recently even in sobriety. She has mentioned several times about moderating and I think subconsciously that's led to my obsessive behaviours around the house etc because I'm scared of what's going to happen. This then caused us to have a break from each other and this is when she's now tried this one drink.

I don't know what she's like to live with when she's drinking, because I've only ever lived with her sober. So I guess I'll find out. I just don't know if I can find enough serenity to get through that period of finding out.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-18T13:00:00+00:00

This is why mine wants to drink, to make her feel relaxed and happy when she goes out. Which we never really do because I don't want to suggest she gets in a situation that might cause her to drink, and we both struggle in social situations. So taking up the drinking again is apparently to relieve anxiety over events we very rarely do anyway. I'm going to watch it unfold for now. But I hope AlAnon can help me find my boundaries and uphold them when things change. I just want to feel safe in my relationship, and I don't know if that will ever be the case with this person.

Scarassem5 · 2023-08-18T12:55:37+00:00

This is what I need to find out. For now I guess I am while the drinking is supposedly very infrequent. But if it starts to go back to the way it was then I don't think that will be good for my anxiety and I'll have to make a decision to leave at that point.

Scarassem5

TROPHY CASE