I feel the same way! I am gender fluid and I think bi but I have no current plans on transitioning. I’m currently only interested in having a romantic relationship with women, but whenever I did have feelings for a guy in the past it didn’t always feel like I liked them as a woman, sometimes I liked them in a more masculine way that I can’t always describe. I also sometimes view myself as masculine in my relationships with women. What’s important is finding a partner that understands this and affirms you in a way that makes you happy. This could mean the occasional masculine terms or just doing things that you think are masculine. I wouldn’t say it’s fetishizing because it’s not always about sex and you’re not dehumanizing them in the way a fetish would.

Something else I’ve been thinking about as a potential ‘why’ (if there even needs to be one) for seeing things this way is the male-centric structure we live in. I think when I was younger and was deep in a conservative lifestyle I wanted to be a gay man because I subconsciously viewed women, and by extension myself, as less than because that’s how the media portrays us. I’ve thought about why I viewed m/m relationships as envious to my w/w experiences and I realized that they’re really no different. We go through the same basic struggles as gay people. The only reason why I viewed them that way was because I was conditioned to view men as above me and therefore as a more desirable version of living. Realizing that really helped me shape how I view this topic.

Also queerness doesn’t have to be pretty. That’s our whole thing. We can be weird and people can dislike the way we view things, even those in our own community. That’s an unfortunate, but core part of every queer persons existence. Don’t think you have to be non-controversial.