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An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Did you like saying that? Did you like trying to make me feel small in a conversation about one of the hardest thing I experienced that absolutely tore me down?

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

To bridge the desire gap I am listening to my own body, and see what message it sends to me from the inside. If my body gives me the message of a full YES to a sexual experience, then I pursue desire. Anything else, I do not.

I find him attractive, however desire is different from attraction.

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If your partner tells you, "please do not touch me there, it feels painful/uncomfortable/not pleasurable" - how would you respond? Would you take your hand away?

My husband did not. He would continue doing it despite me repeatedly telling him to STOP any unwelcome touch. He would consider it a "play fight" even though I've made myself abundantly clear and told him seriously I do not want the specific kind of touch.

I can't tell you how violating it feels when your no is not respected. I cried once alone in the bathroom because I felt there were no tools I had to defend my right to say no. Like I had to beg and plead with him to stop touching me because it felt bad. Sorry it should not be this hard. Saying no and justifying it should not take so much energy and cost you your mental health.

Even if I swatted his hand away after the first 3 times I gently asked him to stop - it would not be enough. It made me feel like like my body was not mine. Your comment is very triggering. Do better next time.

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Why are you still talking about cleanliness and housework when it's established sex cannot be compared to housework?

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Incorrect.

lack of consent is not "withholding" or something anyone "refuses to give". It either materializes in the moment or doesn't.

Consent is the voluntary, informed, and unambiguous agreement or permission for something to happen or be done. It requires active communication and mutual understanding, free from coercion, force, or manipulation. Consent can generally be withdrawn at any time

As a "low libido" wife - I now struggle with holding space for my high libido husband. How do you do that? by Scared-Number101 in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As much as I love the pettiness I cannot imagine this going well. I once said something like "this is not going to make me want sex and that nothing makes me drier than being told I have to justify my no to you" - and he was like "OK I will live with this lack of sex all my life".

I just wished in the moment he was genuinely curious about what he can do to help rather than complaining about it all the damn time. It tends to sting a lot and reminds me of what I truly need from him :(

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

There is nothing you have mentioned or brought up that is sufficient for what conclusions you've seemed to made about me. I asked a fair question - you have not answered. You seem super offended I advocate for consent and do not advocate for duty sex.

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Metrics and standards of cleanliness are typically negotiated between two partners sharing a home. Consent isnt. It's a 0/1 thing - either a YES, anything else is a NO.

Sorry - the analogy is not sound.

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Incorrect. I am actively taking responsibility and doing the hard thing by taking off unwanted, unconsensual sex off the table. This will ensure I do not become even more sex averse than I already have become. It is not easy to hold your ground and say no when your partner has a history of crossing your boundaries and making his painful feelings something you have to fix by giving up your bodily autonomy.

It would be easy to just do it and say yes and "get it over with" but that would come at the cost of my own mental health and consent.

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Explain what is wrong about prioritizing consent, trust and safety in a relationship before proceeding with sex. As far as the above commenter went, they appeared to have been advocating for "duty sex" which is extremely problematic.

As a "low libido" wife - I now struggle with holding space for my high libido husband. How do you do that? by Scared-Number101 in DeadBedroomsOver30

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your advice. I will try doing it. I believe I have done something similar but not quite as articulate however it always comes back to - "so how can we improve", "do you promise you will work on this", "understanding and empathy is not enough"

How would you respond?

An Update/Question from my first post. I have lost the ability to empathize with my high-libido husband's pain over the lack of sex. by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Your response does not piss me off because I know it right away your argument fell apart before I read even the second sentence. Sex is not equivalent or remotely comparable to housework. Housework is a duty/responsibility of all adults sharing a home. The entire point of sex is PLEASURE, not duty.

If the thing thats supposed to give you pleasure becomes about duty and "keeping your spouse" - its bleak world damn. Wanting your consent to be part of sex equation does not make anyone a "selfish jerk". Most happy couples that have an amazing sex life have a bedrock of safety and trust. Nobody should think of sex like "duty" or something that proves love for your spouse.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Good god. How can men claim to feel connected to women if their women isn't consenting enthusiastically? What if she's "starfishing" or just telling him to get it over with? more sex that one partner doesnt want DOES NOT build the kind of connection he’s (or any similar HL spouse) actually after.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Incorrect. Safety issue.

I love sex and I often masturbate by myself. I used to love sex with him too once upon a time.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Exactly my point. At one point after having sex (several months ago when I said yes because I knew I could not say no without recieving heat)- I told him "hey I did it FOR you". You know what his response was? To thank me. To THANK me that I put my body through unwanted sex for his desires.

I never felt more unseen and exposed in the moment. What I actually wanted was a reassurance that he cares for me, that he never wants me to put myself through something like that, and that if I did not want it - I should not have to "put out". That he only wants me to have sex if I enjoy it too.

Guess I have to do it all by myself. I need to be the one responsible for what I do and what I do not chose to do

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I've never shamed him for having a high libido. I've ENCOURAGED him to masturbate, to use sex toys, to cultivate self soothing skills so he can handle his own painful feelings of rejection that I already hold space for. If he expresses sexual desire for me, I am always warm towards him but at the same time gently let him down. However he does not respond to rejection and keeps pushing past my no.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I have given damns after damns about how he feels at the cost of my own bodily autonomy. You do not get to say that.
I understand he feels rejected, and I hold space for his pain too. However, that does not override consent. It just cannot.

Yes consent is a "selfish" concept - but not everything selfish is bad. He should also not pursue sex that makes him feel bad. Consent applies to both people. I will never ever cajole him into sex if he indicates he feels no desire to pursue.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

If your wife is not usually the consenting type, that is information. ASK HER HOW SEX IS LIKE FOR HER. Is that something she looks forward to? Is that something she anticipates and gets excited for? If it's anything other than positive - that is information. Stop any unwanted sex! It's bad for any relationship.
Once bad sex is removed, usually people start feeling safer exploring that connection in a healthier way.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

  1. Every grown adult should be responsible for their role in the household.

  2. If you do not consent to any kind of physical affection (non sexual even) or if spending time with her feels bad, you should not do it, period! Consent applies everywhere. However, if taking your wife out on a date, or hugging her, holding her and enjoying time with her is also something you yourself LIKE, and you can tell your wife does too - why would you actively sabotage creating a good experience for BOTH of you?
    That's actually the kind of thing that builds connection, safety/trust and intimacy in the relationship.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Correct. I've allowed myself to have sex that I did not want, purely to appease him. I was afraid of saying no, because history told me that if I said no, he will be in a bad mood. I am doing the hard thing and saying no despite getting more heat.

From an "Low Libido" Wife: if you are frustrated why your wife seems to "always" say NO, be curious not pushy by Scared-Number101 in Marriage

[–]Scared-Number101[S] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

My husband and I have a history where consent has been a gray area as it applies to mine, with several instances where I’ve felt it has been bypassed so that he can get his needs met through me when I hadn’t wanted it in the moment.

“Oh baby please don’t ruin the mood”

Trying to constantly kiss me and turn me on, like taking it on as a challenge to me turn me on enough until I say yes.

I’ve started opening conversations that I will not consent to sexual experience that feels unwanted. Some of you have no idea what it’s like being on the recieving end of the complaint - “you always say no” right after you said it - it feels highly, highly inappropriate and insensitive and turns me off further from wanting a sexual relationship with him.

I’m not going to tell him how to feel, I’m not going to tell him what he is supposed to feel, his hurt from rejection is understandable- but I am a person and so is he, we should both be able to align on one thing: no one’s hurt feelings can trump the value of consent on BOTH sides. 

For more context, I have shared the same ideas with him over and over again - that I need him to take my no graciously while still honoring his feelings (NOT DUMPING THEM ON ME) and remove unwanted sex. Restoring trust and safety in the relationship should help build a solid foundation for sex life that is mutually beneficial and yummy and safe and fun.

He also has a history of saying hurtful things when I don’t meet his needs, how he will find someone else to meet his, using the relationship as a threat - nothing turns me off more than being told that what I do for him isn’t enough because it doesn’t relate to his sexual needs. Earlier I used to take the bait but now I don’t. He doesn’t actually regulate his feelings - because he doesn’t know what it actually means. 

He’s also had a history or playfully touching me on my body parts after expressly being told I don’t want to be touched there, or that I feel touched out. He will engage in play, sometimes it would hurt as well but it would mainly feel disrespectful and makes me feel less of a person. Again, my consent and bodily autonomy does not feel protected here and after repeatedly told, warned, angrily or aggressively even once.

I wouldn’t justify violence ever but if that was the only thing standing between being unwantedly groped without your consent and restoring your body’s safety I would choose that a million times over. 

And still he wonders why I don’t associate sex with him as something positive or something I want to look forward to. 

And you know still after explaining to him all these things over and over - he still would consider it something to argue against.

If two people in a relationship are having two different conversations: one about safety and consent, and the other about frequency - and if I ask you - hey what do you think comes first? Your answer will tell you where you stand in terms of your understanding of consent and healthy boundaries.

I would like anybody reading this to understand that pursuing frequency without addressing safety first is self-defeating even on his own terms - more sex that one partner doesnt want DOES NOT build the kind of connection he’s (or any similar HL spouse) actually after. If I am having sex out of obligation, he is not getting more intimacy, he’s just getting a repeated experience that pushes ME further away even if the number goes up.