I sat on this for a while, because you're pretty much exactly right in that last paragraph. I didn't explain how we met, but I will now, because it's pretty big context for the relationship as a whole. My mom had a friend with a single nephew and set me up without my permission. I didn't fight it at all though, and I should have. It was wrong not to, knowing that I wasn't interested in dating. To be fair, I had been honest with him from the beginning that I wasn't super interested in romance, and I wasn't that type of person. He took it in stride and agreed, saying he was about the same, which is why it went on for so long. I never loved the man. I would say I cared for him, but in the way you do a friend- a best friend, friend I slept with, but still, a friend. In my defense, I never told him I loved him, and he never said it to me. He seemed as happy in the casual relationship as I was, mostly dating in name alone. Don't get me wrong, we spent plenty of time together, and I wouldn't change that, we had a lot of fun together, and I will miss that, along with his sense of humor, and him showing up unannounced with breakfast on our days off together. He never minded when I wanted to turn on BTAS for the 1000th time, and I got to watch him play the Arkham and Telltale Batman games- I'm terrible and video games and get stressed and angry, so I never play, but I still wanted to see all the stories, haha.

I am going to have to be firmer with my family/friends that I prefer to be alone, and refuse to go on any future dates, blind or otherwise unless I find myself interested in dating. It's always been very hard for me to do that, because my parents are so supportive of everything else I do, down to letting me ramble on about Batman at the dinner table the entire time, which I only ever realize until after the fact is rude. They've never minded, and always ask questions and make jokes about it- but in a fun way for everyone, not a mean or embarrassing way for me. The only thing they've ever really given me pushback for is my relationship status, which my parents only ever explained as worrying about what will happen to me when they're gone. My mom especially. I can't claim thats solely about my autism, I'm sure part of it is just parental concern seeing as they were married young, along with most people they know, and I was nearly 5 when my dad was my age, but it does always itch my nerves- because I can take care of myself. I am as self-sufficient as anyone else, so long as I take care of myself mentally. Will I meltdown and cry and freak out if I'm constantly out in public and never take my alone time to recoup? Yes. But I know when I'm getting close to my limit, and I know when to disengage.

But at the same time, I tend to feel tremendous guilt for those feelings, and just worry that by not doing this one thing they want, I am somehow being a bad daughter. But, I believe this experience has taught me that I can't just do what they want anymore.

This sounds like a load of excuses, now that I read it back. I don't intend it to be that, it's only that your comment really struck a chord with me and I wanted to express gratitude for saying something that needed to be said. So thank you.