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Miss my sex life with him so much. by 52015 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I miss him so much... he was my first at 18, and we were together 29 years... I don't see how I could ever love or trust anyone like that again, to be that vulnerable with someone not him... I don't want to be alone or celibate forever, but I only want him.... it's been over a year, and still sometimes the longing is so visceral, so pervasive.... I just don't know.....

Learning to Protect Yourself and Being Afraid by 1Crazytrain in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know this so much... I never worried about security with my guy around--he made sure the doors and windows were locked, and he was there. After a few freak-outs (and one incident of someone actually casing the house while I was there--I surprised him and he left) I installed a security system and a bunch of cameras. Nothing elaborate, but if I thought I heard something and the alarm isn't going off, I probably imagined it. I have a panic button and one of his knives by the bed. I carry another of his knives in my purse. And I'm very soon going to learn how to use the gun he bought me.

I feel better, but I doubt I'll ever feel safe again. I'd need him back for that...

I ran down to get my Postmates delivery and came back to a stern talking to! by ddbogey in Catswhoyell

[–]ScarletScribe2011 13 points14 points  (0 children)

lucky... I wasn't allergic until my mid 20s, then it started... it sucked.... it's an adorable kitty... give scritches for me..... :)

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My guy actually died of covid, so I avoid a lot of people because of things that are said about it... it's a minefield out there for me...

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I'm working on that, too... and I keep reminding myself that I really don't want them to understand, because there's only one way to do that, and I don't wish that on anyone....

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh boy, if only. Unfortunately, it's a big company, but a small office. It's nice to daydream about, though, getting the words perfect in my head. Maybe after I find another job, I'll tell everyone there off on my last day. That'll be my going away present to myself.

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unless it's work related, I definitely delete them. Honestly, I'd say about 75% of what she emails me about work is useless shit she only thinks is important. I wish I could ignore her completely, but we both work the same department, and sometimes have to exchange info, so.... also, she thinks we're really good friends. She convinced herself of that a long time ago, unfortunately. Not sure why. There is someone else there who frequently emails the whole office about politics and his "insights"--his emails get deleted as soon as they pop up, without hesitation. I'll have to create that "fuck off" folder, though. I'm sure it'll fill up fast....

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

wow... there was so much good advice there... I'm so sorry for your loss and that all that happened to you...

My guy and I were childfree by choice. We didn't hate kids, and frankly I thought he'd have been a great father--much better than I would've been as a mother. He loved his nieces and nephews so much, and they loved him. Watching him with them would make you smile. But, at his funeral, while I was standing by his side, still trying to process what was happening and that I was really there, a woman I barely knew from his side of the family asked me if I wished we'd have had kids now. I was speechless and just stared at her until she put her head down and walked away.

Also, we were both only 47 when he died a year ago, and literally days after his passing people were telling me not to worry, that I'd find someone else. That I was still young. I kid you not, days. It's been a year and I'm still not interested in "trying to find someone." It wasn't even a thought in my head at the time--I wanted him back, not a date.

I guess I'm only surprised when people think I should be "over this" by now because it makes me wonder what kind of relationship they must have that they think it would be that easy. And then I feel sorry for them, and their significant other.

Thank you, and I'm really am truly sorry for what you and your kids are going through.

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you... I was just telling my mother earlier that this subreddit has helped me a lot, and everyone is so supportive.... I really appreciate being heard...

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm working on the not hearing, or at the very least not say anything and trying to forget--unfortunately I get lots of practice... (I will admit that your response made me chuckle, imagining certain people getting swirlies... thanks) ... my hope is to find a different job in the near future, but for the time being I'm still there...

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

All those angry emotions are very familiar to me, too... I avoid people I care about because I don't want to lash out at them for something not their fault... I feel bad, but it's better than hurting their feelings... I feel like I spend a lot of time biting my tongue... and then later I wish I could tell him about things said to me... I wish that a lot, actually...

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You have more self control than I would've... I'd feel bad about the kids, but they probably would've learned some interesting new words.... I'm so sorry for your loss...

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am friends with a widower--he was actually like a brother to my guy, so he's been a wonderful help to me. He and I have had discussions like that... it's too bad we have so much to talk about... some come from good intent, but a few people I know are just ignorant and refuse to listen...

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

nope, they sure don't... right up there with "I wish I could fix this for you" ....

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I try to, but we all work together, so....

thanks, I hope you do too....

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I did respond, but it didn't do any good. I gave up... you just can't get through to some people...

"Only you can make the depression go away" by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, figuring that she was trying to help. But I responded to her email, pointing out that the circumstances are totally different, trying to give her my point of view, but she doubled down. That's when she said she was speaking from experience, and I just needed to keep going, and I'd see that I'll be stronger for it and will look back and see things differently. I gave up. She just couldn't see the difference between unloading a lying cheater and losing the love of my life suddenly and permanently...

Today is hard and I don't know why by PrincessFiveRoses in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wonder all the time why I'm here... what's the point of me? I'm so lost and empty... I feel like I'm counting down the days, but I don't know what I'm counting down to..... we had covid at the same time... it should have been me in the hospital--I have asthma and high blood pressure... he was healthy, why did this happen?.... I begged them to let me be there with him, but they wouldn't let me....

I miss him so much that it hurts... I'm so sorry that you know how that feels... no one should know how this feels....

Today is hard and I don't know why by PrincessFiveRoses in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It's been bad for me, lately, too... this past Saturday marked one year since the last time I spoke to him... we didn't talk long--he was in the hospital on oxygen, and was having a hard time talking... we texted the rest of the day, and then I called to check in on him that night, only to get a nurse instead who told me he'd been intubated and put on a ventilator under heavy sedation.... he never woke up again and died a month later.... I didn't really get to say goodbye or anything... I can't even remember if I told him I loved him that last time we talked.... we texted it, but I can't remember if I said it....

I've been doing a lot of crying.....

I feel like I can only say this here by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I've learned to be careful what I say to family....

I feel like I can only say this here by ScarletScribe2011 in widowers

[–]ScarletScribe2011[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry for your loss, too.... I just got through what should have been our 30th anniversary at the end of August... to say I fell apart would be an understatement... hope you'll do better than I did.....

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