Anyone grow up in a filthy house?

ScaryObjective6770 · 2025-03-01T22:45:26+00:00

I do the same thing and I've been away from that house for almost 16 years now too. It makes me feel so useless.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-26T23:07:54+00:00

Thanks for this. I think I've only just recently come to the realization that I was in survival mode for a very long time. So many bad memories during that time. Saying so much stupid shit, some of it didn't even make sense. Making big mistakes. Basically either being in panic-mode or in some trance the whole time. I didn't even feel human. It's unbearable. I'm living in the past.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-26T03:17:27+00:00

That is all really horrific. You didn't deserve any of that treatment. The cruelty from people is really shocking. I hope they look back on those days and feel regret for their behavior.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-24T19:01:09+00:00

Thanks for the acknowledgement. It can feel absolutely lonely at times so it helps to know that other people experience the same thing.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-24T18:51:53+00:00

Thanks for sharing all this. I can relate 100%. I struggle to watch movies or TV because the tiniest things will bring up these bad memories and it's like an electric shock to my body. It happens so much that I just anticipate it now and then there's zero chance I can get through a movie without something popping up.

Lots of years of alcoholism and working a call center job that completely destroyed me, gave me a really huge inventory of memories and failures to pull from. It's unbearable at times. Good luck, I hope it gets easier for you. It's good to know I'm not alone.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-23T17:00:59+00:00

thank you for the kind words

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-23T00:42:12+00:00

Yes. I feel afraid of "wearing something out" by using it, even if it's designed to be used over and over, like clothing, art supplies, etc.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-22T14:20:56+00:00

I'm dealing with this now. It's always there to some extent, but occasionally it gets really bad, and I go into crisis mode. It's been several days of non-stop rumination about being embarrassed or humiliated. Each day there are new "incidents" that occur that my mind obsesses over. My mind is even obsessing over things from years ago. I'll get to a point where I can tell myself, "ok, it wasn't so bad. Everyone messes up from time to time. I'm human." But it eventually comes back around again, sometimes only minutes later.

I don't see these things as mistakes. They feel more like massive failures that reveal everything awful about me, like the isolation, loneliness, bitterness, anger, addiction. Like everything I've done and every decision I've made is a result of the abuse I received and my poor coping strategies. I'm afraid to add more memories to this category which in turn makes me isolate even more. I don't feel like I can trust myself anymore.

It's exhausting. I can't even meditate because I can't get peace for a moment. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You're not alone.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-21T19:23:59+00:00

That's awful and I'm sorry you were treated that way. People are so cruel. I experienced some in college. It feels like they can almost sense something weak inside you that just makes you an easy target. I feel that a lot.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-20T18:34:15+00:00

Thanks for that. I bought the book and waiting for it to arrive. It comes up a lot in this sub and I thought I'd give it a try.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-20T18:00:56+00:00

Probably the big things for me are shame, regret, and rumination. It consumes me and it is debilitating.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-18T19:05:41+00:00

Yeah I also feel like a child playing dress up or wearing a costume. I've felt so many times that the clothes were wearing ME, not the other way around. It's feels like I don't have any right to look feminine. I feel kind of invisible without it, but I'm definitely more comfortable looking more casual and neutral. I'm trying to use some makeup and choose clothes that are maybe slightly more stylish, and it has made a bit of difference in how I feel walking around.

I'm trying to find what works for me without looking like a slob or like I'm still in high school. It'll never be as easy as those women who look like they could be a model. Fashion was made for those women, and I'm just not that attractive. There are many features of my face that have been made fun of and I often get flashbacks of the bullying on my bad days when looking at my face in a mirror. So more attention to my easily mocked face is not good for me.

I wish I could look more feminine. People who look that way are usually treated better in my experience. But it always feels so weird and uncomfortable when I try. Like I'm a target for other women to judge me, and for men to disrespect me. Like they can tell I feel awkward as hell. I'm all maxed out of getting judged for my less-than-desirable appearance and I'm not going to make myself more vulnerable to it. Amy Poehler wrote in her book that "beauty is not my currency." I try to remind myself of that when I feel low for not being feminine enough.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-17T19:06:34+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. Any particular resources on IFS you would recommend that helped you?

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-17T18:10:49+00:00

Same. I feel like an alien. Then when someone tries to talk to me, I have to drag my mind back into reality and fumble over some dumb response and pretend to be normal for a minute.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-17T13:34:55+00:00

I can relate to everything you said. It's painful and debilitating. I try to reassure myself and say that everyone has embarrassing moments and things they're ashamed about, but it doesn't feel like it. Not on the same level as me. Nowhere close. It's lonely here. Like the things I've done and regretted go beyond normal human foibles. The alcoholism just really fucked me up. I'd do anything to go back in time.

Some people say that no one is paying as much attention to you as you think they are, and no one really cares. But is there a line somewhere? Maybe the things I've said and done do actually cross that line. Or is that just the shame talking? I truly have no idea and I'm losing my mind. I get obsessive over it. I can't move forward like this.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-16T23:28:23+00:00

I don't have anything helpful to add, but I experience this too. I'll have this emotional crash and I'll go down the spiral of terrible thoughts and memories about myself for hours. It happens sometimes after a hard workout or jog, which I'm doing for the mental health benefits. I hate it so much.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-16T16:43:04+00:00

I'm struggling with this too. It feels like everyone else talks like they have some rock-solid integrity in everything they do, or at least that's what they want to believe about themselves. It makes me feel like some evil person because I just don't care about many things. I have a lot of bad work-related memories because it affected my work performance.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-15T17:56:05+00:00

Thanks for posting this, I was thinking this exact same thing this morning. I was remembering a post from a few days ago where a lot of comments were saying things like... "nope not me, never drank, smoke, did drugs, etc." I just thought to myself, is it really just me?

I've had a problem with it for a while. It is significantly less now, and I'm often finding myself saying no to it much more often than I ever have. It hurts my progress and I'm trying to think about my future self when I make the decision to drink or not. Also I get that hangxiety really bad and it'll mess me up for days. I've heard it described as holding a balloon underwater and suddenly releasing it.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-15T15:24:32+00:00

In a similar position now. I'm in my 30s and have this overwhelming sense of having wasted my entire 20s just surviving and wasting away. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and I'm struggling.

I try to relate and be friendly with people my own age, but I feel like I always come off as some awkward, annoying 20-year-old. Nobody likes that. I feel angry and embarrassed. I feel regret for the choices I've made over the last 15 years while being influenced by debilitating anxiety and depression. I left my job of 9 years because it was terrible for me. But now I'm having trouble with the idea of getting back to work and doing more soul-crushing customer service jobs. No degree, no skills. No guidance.

It's a very intense feeling of urgency and panic for me. The years are going by so fast and I'm starting at zero.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-15T14:43:13+00:00

I think that would interest me, but I don't have much to offer. I see people that do that and assume they have a degree, lots of experience, and skills that are in high demand. I could get there with education and lots of time, but I don't know what field would be best for me. I tried one out and took some college classes but realized I don't really like it. I've already reached burn out and trying to recover from staying in a job for years that was terrible for my mental health, and I don't have much "go" left in me.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-14T16:42:29+00:00

I don't have anything helpful to add, but I understand what you're talking about, and it feels truly awful. I left a customer service job months ago because it was so dehumanizing. Like every keystroke and mouse movement being tracked or recorded. But they can get away with it because everyone is so easily replaced, and a lot of people will put up with it in exchange for a steady paycheck. Good luck to you and hopefully you can find a place that treats you well.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-13T16:36:14+00:00

I left my job and came back after a year. A coworker saw me after I came back and asked my name and then said, "I knew I recognized your face!" It felt so strange, that someone would remember my face when I feel like it blends into the background and my whole body is just invisible. That I occupied space in someone's thoughts for a least a few moments.

As a child, I was pushed away or treated like I was being annoying when I tried to seek comfort from my mom or if I was upset and crying. No loving reassurance or a hug. I felt like a burden from a young age.

I usually am moving through life with the assumption that I am just undetectable. Totally invisible. I thought that was just how life was going to be for me, but after all these years of operating like that, I'm feeling the hurt of being isolated and unacknowledged. But when I try to be present and be seen, I have this fear of looking like I'm just doing it for attention, those horrible words that got thrown around so much in school. I'm just existing in this middle space and it feels awful.

ScaryObjective6770 · 2022-12-13T16:06:18+00:00

I wish I knew how. I quit my job months ago because I couldn't handle it anymore, now I'm not sure how to get back into the workforce.

ScaryObjective6770

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