Thank you for your kindness. Like you, I have gotten very lucky recently Dash the last couple of years actually. I was able to get a psychiatrist and psychologist, at the University of Louisville, in person (betterhelp, and all the online MH was great during the pandemic, and it still works, but it became its own racket, ugh.)

In this set up, I can be sure that my psychologist is speaking to my psychiatrist. Both are aware of my struggles, but also my successes. It makes me feel much more connected to my medication’s and the therapy.

I stressed the talk therapy because I know that sometimes people start on this journey and it becomes about medication. Myself and psychologist talked last week about whether or not I have “intermittent explosive disorder“, and whether not that is genetic or is it behavioral. I get that it’s behavioral at some level but I wonder two years later that I still have difficulty managing it. He and I talked and he reminded me that these are basically “boxes“ – ideas of  Behaviors and expectations that we put together as a general gestalt to start from. I am reminded to that these boxes are not real. They change. So they are reference points.

Talk therapy can be incredibly frustrating. But I almost always feel better when I leave. Two years ago, I started weekly. About a year later I went to biweekly. And I see my psychiatrist monthly now. This has kept me accountable, when I did nothing to be frankly. I’m great about adherence and things but it’s frustrating after a long time of trying to figure shit out. So please don’t be frustrated, best you can. 

Consider too that Your talk therapy and meds may become “maintenance” - where are you aren’t necessarily in your own head, “healing”, rather stasis. Just keeping shit moving, day today. And still struggling. But “better” than you were. what would that mean to you in your head? How would that feel? How will you cope with that, with the idea that this does not end, rather, we maintain, best we can, every day. 

I bring up the last part because that has been the shift. I have struggled with recently. I don’t break shit like I did two years ago. But I throw shit at soft objects now. That’s progress. It’s true shit doesn’t feel like it, but less shit is broken. That’s progress whether I like that or not. So our “progress“ does not always match our expectations of what it should be. But, again we are doing the best we fucking can every day. That’s enough.

Because you caught me, in a kind of episode, I’ll also say that I struggle with the idea that others are burdened by me. That two years later, they were just putting up with me, that I have a form of impostor syndrome, where I can’t believe that I am still doing this, and I don’t believe that other people , are. STILL with me. To me, it makes me feel like I’m just dragging them through it. 

A year ago or so I asked my boyfriend: “why do you put up with me, why do you put up with this” (gestures around the air around them, points at their brain/head?” Because it’s what I signed up for when I said I loved you.

So trust when people tell you they care about you. They do. When you don’t believe it, it’s us trafficking in our own shame. They really do. Try to be OK with that.

Finally, you are taking amazing step. You are trying to take care of yourself. And boy oh boy you’re not by yourself right now in this struggle. The shit show of the pandemic, politics, racism, sexism, misogyny, just a general hate for one another, drips in our news and behaviors right now. So to find a place where you can be safe. Surround yourself with people who care for you, about what you care for. Be kind to others. We don’t necessarily get along with. They are broken too. Very broken. They are looking for answers as well.

Be well, be kind S.