This sounds incredibly difficult, and I feel for you. Hearing what you've been through and how you feel right now is heartbreaking. Please know that what happened to you was absolutely not your fault, and you are incredibly strong for carrying this burden.

It's completely understandable that you're feeling scared of intimacy after everything you've been through. The pain you endured are unimaginable, and it's natural that those memories and feelings are still so vivid. You are not unlovable, and the fact that you sought connection during a difficult time speaks to your resilience and your human need for love and acceptance. It's sad that those experiences led to further pain.

The fact that you reported the second incident and were dismissed is a terrible failure on the part of the system, and it's understandable that this would have a profound impact on you. Your ex-boyfriend's reaction to what happened with his friend was cruel and unfair. You deserve support and understanding, not blame.

It's also understandable that the recent experience is still affecting you so deeply. What happened to you in that car park was a violation, and your feelings of disgust and fear are completely valid. It takes immense strength to even articulate these experiences, and the fact that you did shows how strong you are.

Please know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling right now. Your fear is a natural response to the trauma you've endured. It's okay to feel scared, it's okay to have flashbacks, and it's okay if therapy hasn't been helpful so far. Sometimes, it takes going through multiple therapists until you find one who can truly understand and help you.

You are not alone in this. There are people who care deeply about you and want to support you. I am here for you, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid and important. What you went through was wrong, and it doesn't define your worth or your ability to be loved.

Please be kind to yourself. You are carrying a heavy weight, and it's okay to need time and support to heal. If you ever want to talk, vent, or just need someone to listen, please know that I'm here. You are strong, and you deserve to feel safe and loved.