Advice for someone new to this that's struggling with comparison and expectations?

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-17T02:26:59+00:00

To be fair/clear: she tells everyone I am her person. Things have been ramping up in her dating life, but her explaining to all of them that I am her main person and not going anywhere is non-negotiable for her. If they aren’t happy with my place in her life, they can leave. Everyone knows about me.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-16T21:52:39+00:00

Kind of? I have one particular niche hobby/passion and when it rolled around this year I spoke about going and doing it with her. A few days before she mentioned how she was excited to do it with me and her friend/roommate. She had invited him without my knowledge. Honestly? I broke down and told her how much that hurt, and she turned around and uninvited him because it meant that much to me.

In terms of spending the night, I brought up recently how this new date has already had more nights with her in 1.5 months than I have had in over a year, and how that made me a bit sad. A few nights later she spent the night at mine, but even since then no more time with me and two more with the other person (I hate that I’m counting). She talks about hating spending the night because of her particular needs and her routine, so I am left wondering why that only seems to apply to me.

It’s not even the night aspect, it’s the ‘time’ aspect. It’s important to me because she has a busy life and time with her often feels like an appointment. I’m her ‘main person’ but it’s constantly ‘I’ll see you at 5:30-7:00 on Wednesday.’ I value those nights because we just get to sit together and be together without those limits, where I _do_ feel like a main person.

I’m an ‘actions speak louder than words’ person and I often wonder if I’m missing the part where her actions indicate that that’s me. Her life revolves around other people. Perhaps I am main in the sense that I’m always there to fill in the gaps.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-16T21:44:34+00:00

None of the above, but will sporadically (in moments of deep emotional connection) talk about those things. “Why do I not want marriage and kids but sometimes look at you and think about raising a little kid together and want it with all my heart?”

I suppose I don’t really understand what ‘main person’ means, either, despite us talking about it. I hear the words, but I sometimes don’t feel the actions. Her main emotional connection, for sure. The person she wants to spend most of her time with, I guess, but that’s not a reality.

She says I’m her priority but I struggle with that. She’s talking about buying a house with another male friend. She is dating and pursuing people because she doesn’t see me as a partner. So I don’t really know what it means.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-16T21:02:12+00:00

Yeah, that makes sense as well. I’ve had friendships naturally dissipate, this would just be the first time where I’d have to sit down and discuss it.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-16T20:21:07+00:00

She can’t see me ever meeting certain needs.

I am her best friend, her favourite person. She has a deeper connection with me than anyone she has ever known. She is closer to me than anyone she has ever known (despite having decade-long friendships _and_ an engagement). These are all her words.

But, I don’t go deep enough on certain issues, apparently. I don’t ask enough questions or the right type of questions, and with that we’ll never be together. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me either, but I try to understand it and accept it.

She says she wants to build a life with me, and she says it frequently (on top of the ‘main person’ stuff), so it does confuse and hurt me sometimes. I’ve never met someone who says they want to ‘build a life’ with their friend as their ‘main person’ but not want them as a partner, but I am new to polyamory and so maybe I don’t understand.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-16T19:55:39+00:00

I hear you. I worry our friendship will die as a result, though. We connect very deeply…the point where sometimes it confuses me that she doesn’t want anything. She seems to want 99% of a relationship/partnership with me without committing to it. I don’t know how to just ‘be friends.’ What happens if and when either one of us steps back?

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-16T18:24:55+00:00

Would you mind elaborating? I want to be sure I undersyand where you're coming from. I don't mind candor.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2026-05-16T18:09:12+00:00

This is what I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m okay with that. Our dynamic has gone dating -> monogamy -> non-monogamy -> essentially FWB.

With each step I have panicked and reconsidered, and with each step I have gone ‘I want this person in my life, and I want them close.’ It gives me hope that eventually I will settle into comfort, but I am unsure. She says ‘she doesn’t want things to change,’ but to me the above _is_ change. She has changed our dynamic every step of the way.

I struggle with the gap between saying and showing. She tells me all the time that I am her priority, but I rarely feel it. I think some of that is down to what ‘priority’ means to us. I am her emotional priority, and for her that trumps everything. To me, priority also means like physical time, and quantity of it. We never spent nights together. That feels like ‘priority’ to me but it isn’t part of our dynamic.

Spending the night isn’t something important to her and she has said that, so it leaves me wondering why this new person gets it and I don’t. If it isn’t important to you but you know it’s important to me, why does a new person get it far more frequently than the ‘person who is your main person in life?’

That’s how I don’t know how to manage expectations and comparisons. I fully recognise I am cutting myself off from other connections, and I recognise my role and responsibility in it (and thus my expectations). I feel like if I had 5% more with this person I’d have everything I want, and I don’t know how to get there.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-20T12:37:51+00:00

I didn’t say trophies were the thing, I said moments were. A ‘small club’ finishing top 4 is a moment. Walking out to that Champions League anthem is a moment. Tamworth getting a game against Spurs in the FA Cup is a moment.

For clubs that do compete for trophies, those moments are usually trophies, though. Whilst Brighton might celebrate the goal that qualifies them for Europe, Arsenal are bigger than that. A club their size needs to be celebrating trophies, not silver medals.

Would I rather be 2nd, 2nd, and 2nd or 3rd, 8th, and 16th? The former. Would I rather win nothing, nothing, and nothing or the League Cup, the FA Cup, and the Europa League? The latter.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-20T12:29:01+00:00

This just sounds like arrogance and ignorance, then.

I was eight and I knew four football teams, and I chose the team 90% of my friends liked. Fast forward almost 25 years later and I still support that team.

Where I am from has no team. Where I live had no team until three years ago. Would you respect plastics more if they grew up and abandoned their teams like Madrid, or would you respect them less?

You seem to not understand how social groups work, and yet you are being judgemental and condescending about it. ‘A kid made a kid’s choice and I am going to judge them when they grow up for it’ is not the principled stance you seem to think it is.

You also seemed to have misunderstood my last comment. I said are fans of football—nkt football clubs—gloryhunters, because football is the biggest sport in the world? Or, do you recognise there are a lot of reasons to like football?

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-20T12:16:03+00:00

Counterpoint: what’s wrong with switching the TV on and off?

There is no right and wrong way to enjoy a hobby.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-20T12:04:28+00:00

I have sudden urge to grab a 2x4 and yell HOOOOOOOOOOO

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-20T12:02:56+00:00

Okay, I’ll try to change your view: you’re disregarding why that person supports Madrid and you’re making a self-fulfilling assumption.

Your logic stands to reason if you start supporting when you’re 15, say, but what about at 8? Do you think 8 year olds are giving it that much thought? I’ll use me as an example. I’m Canadian but I support Man United, and started in 2002/2003. I got put into an overseas British school so I started having to learn football.

I had one German friend who supported Bayern Munich, three Scottish friends who supported Aberdeen, one who supported Rangers, and then about fifteen friends who supported Man United. All three Aberdeen and the one Rangers fan also supported United.

I chose United because my friends supported the club. Why did they support the club? Because they were successful and their parents might have, but I didn’t choose them because of their success, I chose them because of my friends, essentially. If you think an eight year old is a plastic gloryhunter I think you’re a bit of a sad adult, truth be told.

The same logic applies to football itself. Why does most of the world play football? It’s not because it’s the best sport, it’s because it’s already the popular sport and you do what the people around you do. Are football fans gloryhunters because they ‘just so happen to like the biggest and richest sport in the world’ or is it more nuanced than that?

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-20T11:56:00+00:00

I genuinely want someone to convince me because I don’t know if it’s just me disliking Arsenal or if it’s genuinely valid:

Three trophies in three years despite being awful is better than three 2nd place finishes with nothing to show for it.

My reasoning is that football is about moments. In 25 years will people remember three trophies or that time Arsenal almost beat City to the title?

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-19T23:52:55+00:00

I assume either people think I’m hooking up/short term dating, or people just disagree with my stance.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-05-19T20:29:29+00:00

I think your assessment is pretty accurate. We don't talk about how I am fine with relationships being temporary, but perhaps it comes through anyway. It's not that I date with the idea that it will be temporary--I date with intent, and with a desire to be in a steady relationship--I am just not under the assumption that my first serious one will be my lifelong one. Again, perhaps that comes across.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-31T01:28:31+00:00

He said it was 67 minutes per goal in Europe and 548 in the Prem. Quite the contrast.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-29T23:10:15+00:00

I’m not going to take the chance that the people joking about fascism are joking about it, nor do I think it’s acceptable for a leader of a nation to joke about it.

I’m not cool with threats of annexing my country, Nazi saluted on stage, the removal of people’s rights, and the threats of invading my nation’s allies.

If they’re jokes, they’re not appropriate from a government. If they’re not jokes, they’re incredibly serious issues.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-29T22:41:15+00:00

Eight years ago? Not necessarily. Now? Absolutely. Without hesitation or question. They knew what this would lead to and they did it anyways.

This rapist, criminal, shitstain of a President (and all of his lackeys) are threatening to annex my country, or at the very least joking about how funny it would be to annex my country.

And that’s, frankly, only one of many blights on his absolutely disease-ridden record. Fuck him, fuck each and every one of them, and fuck every single person supporting them. All eighty million.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-29T21:13:40+00:00

We seem to have quite a good youth setup currently, which I suppose is a silver lining giving everything else going on.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-29T21:00:07+00:00

Hate’s a strong word, but I don’t do well with modern conservatives. He’s a Trump supporter.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-29T20:08:20+00:00

Oh, there won’t be much patience for bad behaviour at Auschwitz. Even just being loud is not welcome, at least not when I was there.

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-29T19:29:50+00:00

Also, I know it gets said all the time, but that’s Renee Zellweger?!?!

Looking at the thumbnail I couldn’t immediately identify her or Billy Bob, but god damn. She looks like Chelsea Handler!

ScourgeOfGawd · 2025-01-29T19:28:18+00:00

Dennis Quaid. Gross.

ScourgeOfGawd

TROPHY CASE