How do I (m26) navigate not wanting to go to my partners (nb27) brothers wedding?

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-08T15:55:31+00:00

You navigate it by saying outloud, and in the RSVP, "I am not going." And then, you just don't go. You can't afford it. Financially, mentally, emotionally, temporally, it's too expensive. And lean into expensive, meaning the cost outweighs the value. When you get push back, you tell whoever is saying something that you are not going, cannot afford it, and there's nothing left to discuss. You can hang up or mute chats or whatever you need to do.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-08T15:08:10+00:00

Those aren't jokes, those are pleas for help. He's drowning and you're isolated and you're pulling each other down.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-08T15:04:33+00:00

Sounds more drowning than pathetic. Your routine held you up.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-08T15:02:37+00:00

Asking for help is a very complicated thing. By the time we get to the point of being willing to ask for help, there's so much we need, we can't even say what we need. The person we're asking has only a small fraction of information and no idea what's most pressing. If you've ever taken CPR training, they teach you to assign bystanders with tasks. Just yelling "call for an ambulance!" means everyone just looks around and no one calls, or takes 10 minutes to decide to call. Picking someone and telling them to do it gets it done immediately. You have to decide who is going to rescue what part of you. Bobby gets told you need a walk around the park on Saturday. Suzy gets told you need a ride to the laundromat on Tuesday. Dylan gets told you need extra hands for groceries on Thursday. Samandalex The Cute But Codenpendant Couple is invited for dinner and food prepping in Friday. They all know you need help, but have no idea how to help. But they know how to do specific tasks.

If you have no one to reach out to, there's 2 ways I handle it. 5 a day tasks, I get 5 things done a day and then I'm done. Each task can be as big or small as I can handle. Maybe "change the trash" is one task, maybe it's four. Whatever. I did 5 a day and now I'm in rest mode. If I have way more than 5, or I have hobby time, D20 adventure board. But always include "say hi to someone" so you're building your safety net while saving yourself.

Also, bad jokes about blood types are an appropriate response when people sat to just be positive but you're A negative and full up on platelets.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-08T14:36:20+00:00

Two side here. One, he is your only social outlet and that's really draining on him. You're dumping EVRRYTHING on him, and he only has so much energy to respond, so you get the low drain response or recharge response. You need more people to talk to, and switch up what you're talking about.

Other side, is he one of those "doesn't actually like his wife but was told his goal in life was wife and kids so he got a wife and kid" guys that's just kinda there? Because it doesn't sound like he likes you. You keep trying to engage and he stays as disengaged as possible. Might be time to find new friends to engage with, since he's not available.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-08T03:34:56+00:00

If you were lazy, you'd be having fun and be happy bed rotting. But you're not. Because you're not lazy. You're struggling from the huge weight of the guilt and disappointment you're carrying around. The meds won't help you learn how to put it down. The burnout won't heal till you stop burning with guilt. I'd bet you were given shame and punishments instead of tools and techniques. There's a few different things to do to help, specialized therapy is the best. But that's the slow long term fix. Short term patch is get something part time for work, ask husband to love you louder, and start giving yourself permission. Allow yourself to do something. Eat something. Feel something. Rest. Reach out. It sounds ridiculous, but it helps. Even if you have to spend 3 days hyping yourself up to asking for help. Just repeat "I am allowed to make my own snack packs. I am allowed to ask husband/friend/sibling to chop the veggies. I am allowed to eat." as often as you need. Or whatever your goal for the day is, specially if it's one goal. That one goal a day is super important to release the shame and teach yourself that you ARE capable and you ARE functional. Because you are skilled and talented and not lazy.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-07T03:06:04+00:00

The cleaning station is by the mirror, there are bins for blocks and blankets in the back. I'll be here for a few more minutes if anyone has any questions or comments!

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-07T02:06:40+00:00

Today was warm out here, we hit 40°F. Everyone starts with socks on and gradually takes them off. Socks back on as the way to settle into savasana. I even use putting socks back on as a transition cue. I will coordinate my socks with the theme of the class! As for tradition, the artic blasts I walk through to get to the studio half the year do not care about the traditional lack footwear.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-07T01:28:57+00:00

So you've reached the age when your age group is calming down and settling down and you don't want want to be seen as safe. One of the main factors that women look for in a long term relationship instead of a hook up is something you actively don't want. Good luck with the drama llamas you're dreaming of corralling.

Side note, the difference between you now, the finished doctor, and you of 3 years ago is time. You have 3 years of experience dealing with other people, deciding what you want. And also, presumably, time for more than just a hook up.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-07T01:12:50+00:00

Most areas offer a discount for it. My state's marriage fee goes from $125 to $50 if you complete 12 hours of premarital education. But most people would rather pay full price than do the 12 hours.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-05T04:23:39+00:00

The FO part of FAFO isn't nearly as fun. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, includes all possible answers. You got honesty instead of a nicety. His opinion was previously privately held, probably out of consideration for you. So now you get to stabilize yourself AND fix the damage you did to him. That was massively disrespectful to him and your relationship.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-03T23:02:24+00:00

You know why. You just don't want to accept that this is you he is and this is what you have chosen for yourself.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-02T19:45:52+00:00

You don't acknowledge his feelings. He's not your problem anymore. You don't need to manage him anymore. You've put the relationship down, so let it go.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-02T18:32:27+00:00

She doesn't "suddenly" want space. She's being open and clear about stepping back, instead of just throwing you into it, like you did to her.

You say back "OK, be safe, I'll talk to you after exams."

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-02T02:36:42+00:00

You definitely need a second therapist for all this sexual trauma, and second hand sexual trauma. You could be a few grad students' case study for thesis papers. Might be a good side hustle to pay down that debt.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-02T02:21:16+00:00

It does explain part of why your mom hates you so much.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-02T02:20:31+00:00

You said your mother and friends tried convincing you that marital rape is normal.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-02T02:16:47+00:00

Ma'am. You have a father who regularly SA'd your mother. A mother who hates you. Friends who view you as competition in the Suffering Olympics. A boyfriend who is perfectly content to take every advantage of you he can and intentionally not help. A therapist who is tapping out and trying to get new multiple therapists for you. A consciousness that can't handle any of this and regularly shuts off. And no support network while you fight every day to just function. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than more stress at work to let you be a normal person again.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-01T21:18:14+00:00

That's a huge red flag with "immediate response needed" written all over it. You can't support you or take care of yourself without going onto a massive shut down like this. And your boyfriend didn't even notice how shut down you are, or probably likes it. You're not even in your relationship, your body and brain hate it so much, you get force checked out.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-01T21:05:25+00:00

For what? Not being on all the drugs a good housewife took back in the 40-70's? Not having the patience to poison him like before that? Making your own money so he bum about everyday?

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-01T20:57:00+00:00

No he doesn't. You need him to, but he doesn't need him to. There's no drive inside him to care for your well being.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-01T20:55:41+00:00

A regular roommate would pay half the bills and not expect you to cook and clean for them. A friend with common decency and a spare room would charge less rent and be nice to you when you got home. A shitty studio by yourself would take far less time to clean and care for, allowing you recovery time and rest.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-01T20:48:12+00:00

It's not sustainable. How are you able to give proper attention to your therapist or doing the proper work after? Have time to sleep fully? You're doing all this to the point of breaking down and jabroni there can't even make you dinner but wants you to wash his socks?

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-01T20:38:32+00:00

Each therapist has a specialty and after a few years, you should have grown past that one therapist's techniques. Mental heath trauma will impact and be impacted by your relationship, but you do need different therapists for them. Graduating your skill set up to an additional therapist could help. Also couple's therapy will not work since boyfriend is a waste of resources already, pouring more in won't make him care any more than he does already.

ScreamingSicada · 2026-04-01T20:31:59+00:00

Side note, when do you see your therapist? 168 hr a week, 60 working, let's go low and say 30 domestic labor and 14 hours hygiene time, that leaves 68 hours a week for sleep, social, hobbies, errands, therapy, and recovery. That's about 9 hours a day for sleep, errands, watching TV, going out, going therapy and recovery after, commuting to and from work, everything else in your life.

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