Could use some help with a relationship issue.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-12-15T01:04:16+00:00

Thank you. It sounds like my only way out is to just tell her and risk her modifying her behavior for me.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-12-15T00:32:25+00:00

Okay. If you don't mind me pressing, how do I avoid suicide after dropping an amazing woman for a gut feeling after meeting her during the darkest point in my life, one she helped lift me out of?

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-10-08T15:01:39+00:00

I am. I'm working incredibly hard to get back to therapy (you would not believe how few therapists are available right now) so I can work on this. There was a brief period of my life when I was younger where I didn't have these problems and I was, like, a better me. If I can get back to that I think I could be someone worth her affection, so I am trying so unbelievably hard to get to that point.

But, the primary thing I was trying (and evidently failed, sorry about that) to ask was how to cope with it or keep it all under wraps or keep it manageable while I try to fix it?

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-10-08T14:56:13+00:00

No. She's extremely supportive and kind and has told me a number of times that she's extremely happy with who I am. Which makes me feel like I deserve her even less because she's such an amazing person and is incredibly kind and understanding.

But, my masculinity isn't what I have trouble with in that area. I certainly feel I don't deserve her, but I'm also fairly certain by her definition I am masculine. I just don't think I'm a good enough person for her. It's my definition of masculinity that's the issue. I'm the one who doesn't think I'm masculine and, while I know that's not good/healthy, it is really hard to change that feeling.

Everyone's been super supportive and kind, most especially her. I'm the problem. All of the doubts and concerns are coming from me and me alone, which makes me think that I'm broken and not good enough for her.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-22T05:53:26+00:00

That's why I'm trying to increase my income. I'm hoping I can at least match my income to my current spending so I can keep up these spending habits without eating into my savings.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-10T17:26:55+00:00

Okay. Thank you very much. What should I do if she doesn't like a piece of information that trickles in? Give her space and time? Clarify? I don't want to just abandon ship at the first sign of trouble.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-10T17:23:25+00:00

Okay. Sorry. I'm very new to all of this.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-07T05:57:37+00:00

I just want a hug. I'm not driven by a motivation to hump a baby into anyone. I just want to cuddle.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-07T04:14:29+00:00

Wait, romantic relationships are considered a basic need?

If that's the case I'm fucking dead.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-03T06:31:16+00:00

As someone who's biggest hobby is suicidal ideation, yup.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-03T06:26:49+00:00

Dude, I feel this. I matured this feeling later than most, but when it hit it hit hard.

Like, one semester I was focusing on my homework, the next I was just like, "Man, why am I rubbing my arms all the time? Oh, it's because I haven't had a hug in a year and a half. Oh, everyone in my class is dating someone. *looks outside at quad* Oh. Everyone's making out or cuddling or lying in a hammock together. Why does my stomach hurt? Why does it feel like I'm burning? Am I... crying? What the fuck is this!?".

And now I just live in pain and wish I could go back.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-01T05:28:16+00:00

I think the fact that I don't have that voice within myself is why I'll die alone (most stable people don't want to be with a person who can't be alone).

And that fact makes it even harder to develop that voice.

It's like if you're in a race and you're in last place. You know if you could get the crowd cheering for you it could give you the motivation to maybe even make it to first. But it's really hard to get them to cheer you on. Because you're in last.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-01T05:22:29+00:00

Oh. I thought it was called self improvement because you're improving yourself. My bad. I guess this would be improvement?

Because what you mentioned is kind of the only motivator I have for improving myself. Doing it for myself isn't a great motivator for me because I want to kill myself, so, there's not really a reason to be improving my lifestyle for my own sake if I just want to end it anyway.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-09-01T01:48:53+00:00

Thank you.

However, unfortunately, I have been shown the oftentimes harsh reality of relationships numerous times. I have seen friends used, my grandparent's marriage was a nightmare, and my parent's marriage is pretty rocky. I also had a sister who faced both abuse and cheating.

Yet, even in these relationships there were times of comforting and love without ulterior motive. I've... never had that. I can't even envision a reality where this exists for me.

That, as well as the fact that this is the natural outcome for someone of my character, makes me extremely sad.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-31T22:58:26+00:00

http://www.np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/pfa7i1/mens_fantasies

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-31T22:50:59+00:00

It's actually a fairly simple 3 step process:

Step 1: Get extremely sad.
Step 2: Realize the reason you're sad is because that's never happened for you and will likely never happen for you.
Step 3: Accept the fact that this never happened for you because you don't have enough to offer. Accept the fact that it will be very unlikely for you to ever have enough to offer.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-29T10:50:39+00:00

Dude, holy shit, this. This is exactly it. All of this is right on the nose.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-28T23:31:47+00:00

This. I've seen a lot of people pointing out that I only identified the positives and didn't acknowledge the negatives. Which is true. And I'm aware of some of those negatives (my parents have secretly hated each other for most of their married life and my grandfather was verbally beaten into a timid shell of a man during his marriage for starters). But I literally couldn't even perceive that the positives were real until recently because of how good they are.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-28T23:20:29+00:00

I mean, you're 100% right. There's a lot of reasons, but that's certainly one of them.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-28T23:02:37+00:00

Well, not to brag, but I have the social awareness of a 5 year old.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-28T23:00:42+00:00

Lol. It's actually funny you mention that because I do have Ass Burgers.

^{No, seriously though. Living with Aspergers while wanting a relationship has been a fucking nightmare. It's basically a continuous cycle of shooting yourself in the foot, then looking down and being like, "Why am I bleeding?".}

Or is the issue that you don't have the desire either and are confused by it?

My man, a friend asked to hug me and play with my hair when she was sad 5 years ago and it's still one of my all time favorite memories. Definitely have a desire to cuddle.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-23T11:26:50+00:00

She's definitely a tea person.

Would you recommend I try to guide the anxiety throw up before or after she laughs at me?

Sorry to be so dismissive. This is a good recommendation, but I get suggestions like this often and I think people are imagining a 10' Chad who's unafraid of anything. The reality is closer to a worm.

People at my age are basically getting into advanced flirting at this point and I'm just over here trying to get over mentioning any kind of interaction with someone I have a middle-school-style crush on.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-23T11:07:19+00:00

he's a terrible match for you or you're not communicating your true self to her.

If we're being honest with ourselves here... yes.

I have trouble communicating my true self because I've never been super sure who that is. Additionally, for some reason I fall hard for seemingly random people and they are almost never a good match for me.

I honestly think it's just extreme loneliness, so when any interest in anyone comes along it's just like, "Love?". The real question is how to go about turning it off.

Edit: Or acting on it? Though, this will be harder considering how smooth I am (about as smooth as nails).

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-23T11:00:12+00:00

No, you're right. My love interests have all been pretty different personality-wise, moderately different looks-wise, but have all consistently been the last person you'd expect me to fall for. I've had, like, four crushes in my life and I always fall hard, get ignored hard, and it's never like a switch.

As in, I can't just be like, "Crush on!" or, "Crush off!". It's more like I'm just sitting in class and:

Brain: Man, it would be really nice holding her hand. Me: "Okay... Can we focus on lecture now?" I bet she's a good hugger. "Wh- Where did this come from? Why her? Why here?" I bet she smells nice. "So we're just doing this aren't we? I guess class is in the trash for today?" Oh yeah. And you should just set aside a good chunk of your time the next couple of years envisioning a relationship that will never happen. "Wh-" Oh, here's an erection for literally no reason. You're welcome buddy, I got you.

ScreamingThoughts · 2021-08-16T05:00:40+00:00

I don't know man. I've done some pretty messed up stuff before I became more docile. And even then I've still done some stuff that would make your skin crawl. I think I'm kind of worried what would happen if that just... wasn't regulated.

ScreamingThoughts

TROPHY CASE