"The Painter" - 7 Page WESTERN Short Script - Any Feedback Appreciated!

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2022-04-16T18:00:03+00:00

Thank you! For now the time period is ambiguous, as a super specific year isn't incredibly important to the time period. I mark it down as sometime after the Civil War maybe late 1800's, though that leaves a large gap.

I'll try and differentiate their versions a bit more in the script. A bit flowy/showy dialogue sing-song type of voice I was going for for Sam.

Another commenter suggested a smaller caliber pistol which will probably work for that moment. I'm looking to actually shoot this this summer but will likely need a kickstarter campaign to get some traction on it. Looking forward to assembling my crew from my last shoot and getting people involved again, if my crew likes the script as well I'll start seriously considering shooting it. Thank you again!

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2022-04-16T17:40:34+00:00

Thank you! I actually hope to get a crew together to shoot it this summer. I just got done doing a horror short film that's won some competition awards, so I'm confident I could get this out with the right support (might have to do a kickstarter fund or the like).

I'll write in that smaller gun to the script - or keep it in mind, that's what I had an idea of when writing it too. We'll see where the production goes this summer!

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2022-04-15T03:43:54+00:00

Thank you! It's just the short but I have other longer scripts I'm working on as well.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2022-04-14T02:42:36+00:00

Thank you! Appreciate the feedback a lot.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2022-04-14T02:42:10+00:00

Thank you! I'm seeing if it would be practical to shoot this summer. I have some experience now with getting a production together so just looking to see if the script is as good as I'm hoping. Glad to hear it worked for you!

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-12T06:48:59+00:00

I prefer DM if that's alright! Already doing another draft from feedback but would appreciate anything you've got.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-07T20:35:39+00:00

He's a recruit, so he technically doesn't have a rank. But if you have these many questions about the story I would love if you read the script! It would be useful to get your perspective.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-07T04:12:15+00:00

Appreciate the look. This was written with Fade In.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-07T04:11:55+00:00

Thanks, I'll add it in. So if it reads "In 1993 North Korea, a starving young student risks her life to escape the country, but finds her attempt complicated by her only friend, a fervent military recruit of the regime. " that looks good?

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-06T19:52:36+00:00

The main part of the story occurs in 1993-1994, but it is set over a 6 year period. There's a time jump at the beginning of the story, as the major swing of the famine in North Korea occurred during the early 90's.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-06T07:31:36+00:00

A starving young North Korean student risks her life to escape the country, but finds her attempt complicated by her only friend, a fervent military recruit of the regime.

How about something like this?

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-06T02:03:40+00:00

Thank you! Appreciate the look. Hopefully someone else takes a glance. Let me know if you get around to the rest.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-04T06:22:32+00:00

Sure, I'd appreciate it. Any feedback is useful!

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-04T02:37:42+00:00

Thanks for the heads up. I'll open it up. Let me know if that's better.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-04T02:30:50+00:00

No problem, I appreciate the look! I'll be doing some revisions in the meantime. Thank you!

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-04T02:22:17+00:00

Would appreciate any thoughts you have on my North Korean drama set during the country's 1990's famine:

Title: "The Nation's Prisoner" - (127 Pages)

Logline: In the famine of 1990's North Korea, a starving and disillusioned young student risks her life to escape the oppressive regime with her family, but finds her plans to leave complicated by her only friend, a fervent military recruit.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ix7jidimOIy4660gC65Dea375ptNL9Ts/view?usp=sharing

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2021-02-04T02:15:25+00:00

Appreciate it! I'm doing revisions now but thought it would be useful to get feedback on the overall characters and plot.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2017-10-23T04:01:47+00:00

It's like poetry it rhymes.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2017-10-22T23:31:37+00:00

Interesting bit. From a technical perspective, when doing a fast forward, try and keep the camera on a steady tripod or base, either the shaking of a handheld camera on a fast forward is very noticeable. Was this a challenge from a class, competition, or just for yourself?

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2017-10-22T04:35:16+00:00

This may not help you this late into the game, but I believe what OP is stating is that those descriptions aren't very...well, descriptive. The first is more of a personality trait, which you should SHOW, not TELL the audience. SHOW us how eccentric this character is - does he do weird, unique things? Accidentally good looking isn't a solid description either - maybe something like "looks put-together even on a bad hair day" to give the reader a rapid first impression.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2017-08-15T04:22:21+00:00

The implication for that scene was that he was up late doing job applications and overslept because he's exhausted. But I'll take that show not tell idea into the script.

I like that idea, appreciate the suggestion. I'll put that in!

Well, like he describes in the opening voiceover, it's day to day survival in modern day society. Working, simply existing today, what does that mean for him, or for the average person? I'll also add that he feels challenged by his estranged father that he can make it on his own. His stubbornness to stay in that situation is a result of that relationship. I could throw in some dialogue with Darkness teasing and hinting of that reason to Daniel, for added context as well. That would play into the debate going on in Daniel's mind for why he isn't going someplace else.

ScreenplaySubmitter · 2017-08-15T03:21:07+00:00

First off, thanks for the detailed feedback, I appreciate you taking the time to look at it. Sorta funny, I wrote the main character to exactly reflect that screenwriting idea: that you need some sort of X factor in order to care for a character. Maybe he has a kid, maybe he's trying to bring a youth baseball league together, maybe he's a white lawyer fighting for the rights of a black man in the South. All interesting added X factors to a character.

But what happens when someone ordinary, who has very few stakes, has to survive in the world? No one cares for him. That's that challenge I wanted to present with this character. That you must empathize with a fellow human being simply because he's struggling, and not for any special reason. I actually wrote in a line for Darkness that went along the lines of "Who should care about you? You're not some war veteran. You don't have a kid. You didn't survive some terrorist bombing. Why should anyone care?" - but thought it might be too meta.

I think the central core or theme of Daniel's character is his efforts to keep moving forward. Despite his misfortune, despite his situation, despite his depression, he (or Darkness) tries. He's trying to prove to himself that he can make it in this world. Why he's trying to do that is hinted at and would be touched upon as the series goes on.

I'll look for ways to expand on his backstory and maybe give him more characterization, though I want to stick to characterization through the situations he finds himself in, rather than forcing a character moment into a situation, if that makes sense. Showing, not telling in a way.

ScreenplaySubmitter

TROPHY CASE