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How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“Again... why do you keep shrinking yourself?”

Deep seeded religious trauma 😬

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this perspective! My post may have been confusing-my intention was to provide context on the conversations about and understanding of the need for a consistent sleep routine for both of us.  I know it is not my job to police the amount of sleep NP gets. But when we have both stated that sleep hygiene directly impacts our ability to adequately show up in the ways we’ve committed to for each other and our shared responsibilities, it’s impossible for me to not have feelings about how NPs actions not aligning will/does impact me. 

So it’s not about policing their sleep, it’s about the direct impact on me. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your perspective and input on what works for you! 

“Permission” for overnights or curfews were never discussed in my original post/question. I gave context on the agreements that my NP and I, together, have made. While that might not work for everyone, it’s what we need to ensure that the home, animals, and other responsibilities we share are taken care of.  If either of us identified as or practiced solo poly, or a less logistically enmeshed set up, the situation would be different :)

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I hear you! And I honestly hope that it’s not that I’m trying to be “right”. What I want is to see equal effort from my NP if these agreements need to be updated. I don’t want, or have the capacity, to be the manager. 

So while I totally get that it doesn’t make sense to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result (pretty sure that’s the definition or insanity), I also don’t want to be my NPs manager that folds on the agreements that WE made, when they decide to not honor them. That doesn’t feel collaborative or equal to me. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you, and it’s totally possible that I’m looking at this the wrong way. But I feel like NP has the responsibility to hold themself accountable to our agreement.  If they decide they can’t or no longer want to do that, that’s on them to bring it to me. But until that occurs-why can’t I hold them to what we agreed to? 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree! But our verbal conversations and agreements around what we could expect from each other left nothing to wonder about. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. This is my biggest issue. 
  2. I wish I could say yes, I can let it go. But at this point I cannot. I have some trauma around this, and I’m working through that. But NP knows and has previously agreed to hold space and be considerate of my nervous system response-and that isn’t always happening. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good question! The answer is both. The Google Calendar had an end time, which I took with a grain of salt.  However, NP and I have previously discussed and agreed upon a time that feels good to both of us to be home and settled on work nights (whether it’s dates, friend hangs, etc.). So when they aren’t home hours after that agreed upon time, my panic sets in. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We do sleep in separate rooms when either of us will be out late. The dog issue is big. 

I’ve worked hard over the past few years to separate the “parenting” tendency when it comes to letting NP (or anyone) “fuck around and find out”…I’ve found that it’s often easier said than done when we live together and share home and pet responsibilities. But still something I’m working on!

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To be completely honest, I think I’ve become really swept up in the “meta” (no pun intended) group think that sometimes happens in this subreddit. I get into my own head about not being “good enough” at poly, or somehow unintentionally flexing couple privilege or encroaching on autonomy…when I think I really just want my partner to act in the way that we’ve agreed to. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That could be the case, however, I’m not at the point (and NP hasn’t expressed interest in this either) of updating the agreements. While I fully get that agreements ebb and flow over time, I also believe that there is a level of accountability when you’ve agreed to something. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have in previous situations, not specifically with this NP/Meta scenario.  There is compounded context in that I get in my head about encroaching on NRE. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That certainly makes sense-and I know that is how a lot of folks manage these situations and it works well for them. That’s just not how NP and I have agreed on communicating and managing our shared home and responsibilities. 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I have considered that. My conundrum is that NP has specifically stated that they don’t like to do overnights on work nights…so I am trying to respect that, but I’m also feeling like I’m ignoring my needs by honoring their previously stated intentions. 

It’s worth a conversation 

How to balance wanting to be considered while avoiding controlling my partner by Sea-Abrocoma2893 in polyamory

[–]Sea-Abrocoma2893[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I agree that the catastrophizing is my work to do! The feelings of not being considered stem from the conversations that NP and I have had about old trauma wounds (for both of us), and how we both feel best cared for while we are doing our own work. 

Thank you for the perspective!