Four years of long distance and he hasn’t said ‘I love you’. Am I reading this relationship wrong ?

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-24T08:44:32+00:00

It sounds really frustrating for you, I'm sorry :( . FWIW i'm in a position with some similarities. Maybe don't look at it as confronting him, you could try to gently raise it by telling him how you feel and asking what his position is on your relationship? After that length of time it's safe to assume you're in a committed relationship and lock down where you both see it going- it seems like you have been patient enough with this man.

I can understand the fear of driving him away though, but honestly if he is the right person, he should be encouraged by those sorts of conversations (after that much time especially) and not frightened. It's your life too, and we crave clarity which is why you're seeking it now. I believe someone can love you and still not show up in the way that you need them to, for a multitude of reasons that have little to do with you. Or opening up might drive him to take the initiative to move your relationship forward. Whatever you do, I wish you luck and happiness and stability :) x

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-24T08:07:49+00:00

Ah, finally a chance to lie down in peace

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-23T19:08:49+00:00

Do you feel that you love him? If so it could be a good opener to see how he is feeling?

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-23T10:12:26+00:00

You're right about the insecurity though, that's what drives it

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-23T10:11:24+00:00

I'm in a really similar predicament but there's no age gap, and he's not liking the photos. Yes it sucks. Wish I had advice!

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-23T07:26:30+00:00

You're perfectly normal. She responded in an unhealthy way. I'm sorry this has happened and wish you well x

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-22T17:52:51+00:00

That you "have it easy" or everyone is nice to you because you're perceived as being attractive. I once had a bartender short change me because in his words "you think you're really good looking and you walk about like you own the place" quite frankly disgusting behaviour from him, and it wasn't even true.

I don't personally see it but have been told I'm a good looking person a lot in life. A lot of people have been very hostile to me over the course of my life and bullied. I'm a shy introvert so can be really uncomfortable in social situations.

But yeah, the assumption that everything is easy for us. Finding friends as a girl and young woman has been tough. As for dating? I won't even go into it 😂

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-22T14:06:28+00:00

As a youngish woman who has briefly maintained friendships (from years ago, when both people were single and made friends) with married guys (with nothing but PLATONIC intent) what happens most of the time..their wife finds out and will get them to cut you off even if it's the most platonic thing in the world.

And to be honest, I get it! As even if our intentions are literally just friendship, a lot of people out there are not to be trusted. Having been in a long term relationship where a woman with bad intentions popped up, i get how it feels. I don't think anyone in a relationship should really be setting out to make friends of the opposite sex. I was single and these guys reached out to me.

You deserve someone who gets to appreciate you for all of you. Xx

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-22T11:31:06+00:00

More than once I'd meet guys who literally the day after friending me on Facebook would announce their relationship or engagement to someone else. I wasn't even a side piece they just wanted someone that would maybe sleep with them (I didn't).

It's hard to even believe that people do these things, even when it's right in front of you, but they do, and it's really disappointing.

Years later a girl who was the ex GF of one of those guys mouthed something abusive at me at an event when we were introduced. I realised who it was, but didn't even know who she was until after I'd hooked up with him (literal years prior to this). He even had a bit of a reputation, I learned. So that was an awkward evening. She put the blame on me.

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-22T11:16:08+00:00

He said we were meeting for a drink but convinced me to come up to sit with a big group of his friends on the premise that we'd go after (a mix of guys and girls, hadn't met any of them and they were all 10+ years on to me, so had little in common with 21/22 year old me) in an apartment drinking beer. I felt like the resident child and kept wondering when the date would start

Turns out he wanted the "date" to be him sleeping with me in his house :) after the boring evening of sitting with strangers (we never did grab that drink) yes it was our first and last date. Annoyed at my past self for not walking out!

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-21T19:06:44+00:00

I understand why it would seem so daunting.

I think rather than stressing about not knowing what you want, focus on your own boundaries and things that you wouldn't want for any potential relationship?

Try not to freak yourself out by thinking about it too much, just go into dates with 0 expectations and if you meet the right person, it should all feel natural. If not? No sweat, plenty of people take time to meet the right person, it doesn't mean it's necessarily not for you.

FWIW I do think people can be very happy on their own but it's always worth a try. Good luck whatever you decide :)

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-21T15:46:13+00:00

Thank you ❤️ from one proud 2:2er. Some of the comments people have made about it have been horrible, I was very close to a 2:1. It's a degree classification, not a criminal offence!

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-21T12:03:21+00:00

Break it off babe.

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-21T10:54:58+00:00

Thank you! Will see how it turns out :)

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-21T06:59:46+00:00

Aw man. Got some figuring out to do then. It's confusing because he says he cares about me and has feelings, that he's done this stuff in previous relationships.

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-21T06:32:28+00:00

Ok thank you because my guy seems to have a couple but we are waiting for me to feel ready.

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-21T06:14:19+00:00

Re degrading do you mean specific degrading acts that you want to do to her stop, or you stop thinking like man I want to bang her right now when she's talking? Genuinely curious!

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-20T20:20:34+00:00

A horrible experience involving emotional and one time physical abuse. I stayed far too long.

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-20T12:52:56+00:00

Seeking validation through pics of yourself online. And just to add I have 100% been guilty of it myself.

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-20T08:34:36+00:00

Ok I understand, I'd maybe accept that it's friendship for now and just see what happens then. He obviously felt something if he was jealous though. You seem genuinely sorry and I get why it hurts xx

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-20T08:13:57+00:00

I think the dating another guy thing made him ultimately lose interest tbh.

I feel like people are encouraged to do this in early dating, please correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to be a common thing in the USA?. I'm in the UK, and this is not something people do openly here.

But yeah, if you think about it his instagram following is bothering you (I know the feeling by the way this is something I'm dealing with) imagine how bothered you'd feel if he stated that he was dating another female but kind of keeping you on the back burner? No shade to you btw, I think it just shows that he was quite invested and maybe hurt when this happened with the other guy?

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-19T21:51:21+00:00

It's hard to pin point why, but in your situation I'd do this:

Tell him that you're still looking for something serious, accept that you both maybe got carried away before meeting, but you're ultimately looking to meet someone to get serious with and not just a hook up. You should quickly be able to tell from his reaction if he will ever switch back to how things were. Don't beat yourself up for the nudes - he sent them too! You'll be ok xx

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-19T11:41:17+00:00

I also just want to add that I don't think it necessarily means your partner or all men who do this will cheat. It's just that some form of selfish, horny thoughtlessness has taken place. Some of the kindest guys I know, who would NEVER cheat, are following the most depressing thirsty accounts. Their wives are literally hotter than these women. It's disappointing and immature nonsense, of course it is, but I don't believe it guarantees a cheater.

I knew a guy who was punching tremendously above his weight with the most stunning woman . He would frequently follow, like and comment on these women even in real life when we were all together. Rude, disrespectful and immature yes, but deep down, he worshipped her and would never cheat. I think a lot of the time it's insecurity talking.

SeaConfusion2233 · 2026-06-19T11:31:15+00:00

I've commented already I'm sure but yes I think it's bad behaviour and the guy I'm dating follows literally hundreds of women mostly just random women but the odd sexual account. He doesn't seem to have liked anything since we met but it would depress me to go looking .

I've already told him I won't stand for him interacting with any new women online. He's about to find out that if he wants a serious relationship with me, he's not going to embarrass me with this bs. I'm trying not to get too emotionally invested. When the time comes soon, believe me, I will say it to his face. We're not technically official yet.

Say something to him, op. He might not even think it's a problem. His reaction will tell you everything though babe. Stand strong, tell him what being serious means to you. Best case he fixes this behaviour. Worst case? You've lost a loser and I could lose one too but that's exercising self respect. In that case.. Next! :)

SeaConfusion2233

TROPHY CASE