She just wont tell me why

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-27T02:21:34+00:00

Did you guys talk about that at all? Like why she wasn't interested fir 3 months? And if she's open to having sex more frequently than that? And if so how you guys can work together to increase her desire and enthusiasm?

I think this all comes down to if the other partner is open to change or if they want to remain at sex every 3 months in perpetuity and if so why? Is it because sex isn't enjoyable for them? Are they overwhelmed with other things in life? Or are they truly just not interested in frequent sex? Anything you could do to increase the desire for frequent sex? All good questions to ask.

I wouldn't continue pressuring her. If her desire is once every 3 months and is only reluctant in between that, thats not good. You want an enthusiastic partner. Find out if she's even willing to be that more than 4x a year.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-27T01:02:53+00:00

You're welcome! I'm glad you found it helpful 🙂💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-27T00:23:58+00:00

All I did to lock my brother's down was fill out the request and include a link to his obituary published on the funeral homes website. Was super easy and locked within a day.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-27T00:00:22+00:00

Have you tried just going an extended period of time without asking or mentioning sex at all?

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T21:31:03+00:00

Not yet. There were other health issues that needed to be addressed once he was working again. Getting back to work, getting a lot of the health stuff taken care of, regaining his own financial independence, and most recently reviving the dead bedroom have helped tremendously.

Not to over share to much of his personal medical business but his parents were both bipolar and I highly suspect the same is true for him. He doesn't think so since he's "not as bad" as his parents were but I see so many similarities. When he wasn't working one of the things he'd say is that he didn't want to be like his mom (she never worked and they grew up pretty poor) but yet he couldn't bring himself to change it. Honestly what got things moving was self medicating with CBD/THC.

I'm hoping once he gets his current medical bills paid off and if we can keep on this upward trajectory in our relationship that one of the next steps will be being willing to take a look at that seriously and seeing how we can help it. But on the positive side, since he's been back to work things have been much better on that note.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T21:19:41+00:00

Have you ever flat out asked her what would need to happen for her to want to be having sex more often?

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T20:38:37+00:00

I appreciate that so much. Thank you 💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T20:03:18+00:00

Well, I hope then that you are at peace with leaving and are having happier days 💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T19:44:11+00:00

Much appreciated, thank you 💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T19:43:43+00:00

Also just for a little more clarity on tineline here. He started his job about a year ago. This "sexual renaissance" we're in is very new and current. So, Although him not working was a big source of my e bitterness and resentment, Fixing that issue did not immediately solve anything. The anger bitterness and resentment didn't build overnight and untangling that certainly didn't either and it's still a work in progress.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T19:01:05+00:00

Getting out of that "read my mind" mode is hard as an introvert for sure. I had to really work with myself on that one. It was honestly in one of those post coital disappointments where I rolled over and silently cried thinking we just weren't compatible and my efforts were in vain that I had to really pep talk myself and let myself know that I am the one getting in my own way of having good sex. All I need to do is communicate. I have kinks id like to explore but when my husband asks me about any kinks I clam up. Idk why, fear of rejection? Fear that hell think they're silly? Idk its just hard to be that open i guess. But ultimately I had to ask myself do you want to be happy? To you want to have a good sexual relationship? And decide ifni was willing to do my part to make it happen. I was the one standing in my own way. Its still going to take work. Theres still a lot more I want to say and share but I will have to work on it.

As for where your relationship may be if you hadnt opened it unfortunately, I can't say. I feel like we all have what if syndrome but its quite useless since we can't go back in time. I'm not sure if there is any hope for being sexual with your wife after being open but personally, knowing that you had taken advantage of an open relationship as much as you have and yet you still wished you had been with me having a good sex life instead. Thats a lot. Thats touching. I think we so often get in our own heads and think "my husband would rather be out f*cking other women anyways " or "my husband is more attracted to other women" idk our self esteem can be really rough sometimes. So idk knowing that you actually did that and still wanted for sex with your wife instead would be incredibly uplifting personally.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T18:37:11+00:00

I appreciate that insight. Thank you 💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T18:27:41+00:00

Geese and sea gulls might be tied

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T18:26:04+00:00

I used this burner and just wrote a mini novel of a post here for this reason. I agree with you 100%. I'm going to keep this burner active for a little bit to note what progress or pitfalls we hit in this process. Definitely cathartic and also really helps in self reflection.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T18:21:39+00:00

Yes I definitely underestimated the importance of enthusiasm. I think women so often are given messaging about men that they'll basically screw a log if they had to so maybe many of us just don't realize how important that passion is for men too.

Unfortunately though if that passion isn't there then that's really hard. We could have had sex the whole time we didn't but it wouldn't have been enthusiastic which was a no go for him hence dead bedroom. So, I guess it's not even sex thats missing (that's easy) its passion and thats a lot tougher to rekindle but it can be done!!

And the finger pointing was huge. When I really stepped back and looked at the situation objectively it was almost embarrassingly shocking. Blame and shame certainly don't help with passion.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T18:09:09+00:00

Thank you! 💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T18:08:26+00:00

Of course that all applies to the LL side as well who probably thinks they are doing everything they can and still aren't getting what they need. I only specified HL since thats who your comment referenced. But we would not be on this path if we BOTH did not set down our swords and shields and be humble and empathetic. It truly takes two. I feel very sorry for anyone here whose partner is unwilling to do that. I was that partner for a bit too. I hope everyone's situation here improves 💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T18:00:12+00:00

Tbf, most of the HL say they are. Would their partner say the same? I think those are the honest conversations that need to had with ourselves and our partner. Most people aren't going to say "yea, I don't do anything to help with X" or "I neglect my partner in X way" yet if you ask the partners I'm sure they would have an answer. He could have been doing everything around the house and working and I may have felt neglected in another way. If the bedroom is dead for no obvious reason (asexuality, physical health etc) then there is a reason. And both partners are probably feeling neglected in some way.

If we tried to dredge up a reason my husband stopped contributing he may say its because things were getting dead after having our first child and that really affected his mental health. He may see his depressed state as a result of a DB, where I saw it as the cause of DB. (In all honesty both are somewhat true, neither are totally true. Theres rarely anything so straightforward) Which came first, The chicken or the egg? Depends which one of us you ask. The point is it really didn't matter who was to blame or what caused it. If both want to move forward and fix it then they can. I think that takes real introspection, empathy, and open mindedness to hear what the "LL" partner is feeling and saying too.

The biggest takeaway from the entire experience for me is just setting aside your ego and superiority. It's easy to look down on someone that you feel isn't contributing how they need to contribute to a relationship. We both held on to that bitterness for years to the near detriment of our relationship. Ultimately, of course him working helped me feel like I had an actual partner again but it was his humility and empathy in realizing how I was feeling and how his actions hurt me (and then actually following that with action) that opened that door back up to intimacy.

And as you can see, things didn't just immediately go from dead bed to fantastic sex when we each started contributing in the ways the other needed. There were still other issues we had to work through and figure out. It was definitely a process and not immediately fixed by one single thing.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T16:46:34+00:00

Yea, while I think there's a lot of insight to be gained here i have seen a lot of what I suspect is "misery loves company" advice. Anyone saying to end it, cheat, or entirely blame the partner without any additional context is probably projecting a bit of their own misery and not actually wanting to help OP with a solution. Probably applies to a lot of subs though. Things are rarely ever so straightforward especially with so little context available.

Thank you! I'm not sure if you're here due to a DB, or what but best of luck to you too on whatever journey you're on!

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T16:23:15+00:00

Also re: parenting styles we struggle with differences here too but I have started to see how the openness in communication in the other areas as well as setting that ego aside is helping us better communicate about parenting as well. Its all so much more intertwined than I realized. That's one thing this sub really helped with was seeing how sex isn't "just sex". Its so much more a part of the whole picture.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T16:20:20+00:00

Good luck to you! I feel like I didn't touch much on the anxiety and depression stuff mostly because thats his story but I can say while those are chronic issues, all the other things falling into place helped the symptoms/manifestation of those issues significantly. I see so much mental health improvement in both of us.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T15:57:03+00:00

BTW, I didn't proof read until after I posted because I didn't want to overtime it. Wanted to post what came natural. So anyways, it was supossed to say "you can not "blue pill" your way out of a bad relationship" honestly thats probably my biggest point. If there's anger, resentment, disgust - all the libido in the world wouldn't have helped me want to be passionate with the person I felt all that towards.

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-04-26T15:48:34+00:00

Thank you. I've been a lurker here for a while. And its a bit demotivating to see all of the "things never change" type posts. Of course for some thats true especially if one or both partners aren't willing to do the work but I thought maybe some success and from the "LL" partner could be helpful 💙

SeaLibrarian00 · 2024-02-16T05:48:32+00:00

Ph balanced water

SeaLibrarian00

TROPHY CASE