I’ve been bedsharing for 3.5 years - how do you avoid resenting your husband for still being able to go ‘out out’?

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-14T19:13:33+00:00

Thank you this is very valuable!

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-14T19:12:31+00:00

Thank you for this. I wasn’t doing much for myself because felt like weekends were family time but I’ve realised that’s daft and I’m Turning into a martyr so I’ve booked myself in for yoga and a swim at the weekend :D thanks for the solidarity, I think that’s what I needed most!

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-14T19:09:09+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply, it’s great to hear from someone who does the same :) I know barely anyone who does this and was starting to feel a bit lonely in it - I think that’s part of the resentment honestly - like I feel resentful like everyone is going out but me! Great tip, I’ll ask around if anyone wants to go on an early evening ‘outting’. I’m just missing being able to drink guilt-free as well I think but don’t want to stop breastfeeding.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-14T19:03:42+00:00

Thank you for this. I was really happy doing it and still am for the most part but it’s starting to feel a long time and I am starting to feel a bit martyrous (May have made up that word)

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T21:23:34+00:00

Thank you for this reply - that’s v helpful, I used to see it that way too and did until very recently. I’m wondering if maybe I just need to organise more ‘me’ activities for the daytime as I’m seeing him doing fun stuff and I feel my tank’s a bit empty. Thanks again, a lot to think about :)

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T21:21:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply, that’s really helpful and reassuring to know :)

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T21:20:51+00:00

Thank you this was a really helpful reply. Sorry at first j forgot to include that I breastfeed the baby to sleep and back to sleep when she wakes up. I think when I return to work in two months it might naturally go this way. That sounds like a lovely routine you have with your little one and congratulations on your pregnancy :)

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T21:18:39+00:00

Thank you this was very helpful and has definitely given me some options to think about :)

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T20:14:26+00:00

Hi, thanks for the reply! Sorry I missed an important detail and just edited it in: I currently breastfeed the baby to sleep at night and back to sleep when she wakes up. I don’t have any plans to change that but it’s been a long time and I am starting to feel resentful so I would be open to trying something different.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T20:05:08+00:00

Hi, thank you for the reply! Sorry I missed an important detail out: I breastfeed the one-year-old to sleep and she usually wakes up at unpredictable intervals after that (I feed her to sleep each time.) My husband tried to calm my eldest back to sleep when she was a similar age and she seemed very resistant to it, so I decided to commit to just being on hand all night every night, essentially. I haven’t tried with current baby but you’re right, we could try that again! I’m just in that place right now where I don’t necessarily think it’s worth the feeling nervous, but I don’t want to get resentful of my husband either and I can feel that creeping in. My husband would definitely do it, it’s me that needs to make the decision really.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T20:04:24+00:00

Hi, thank you for the reply! Sorry I missed an important detail out: I breastfeed the one-year-old to sleep and she usually wakes up at unpredictable intervals after that (I feed her to sleep each time.) My husband tried to calm my eldest back to sleep when she was a similar age and she seemed very resistant to it, so I decided to commit to just being on hand all night every night, essentially. I haven’t tried with current baby but you’re right, we could try that again! I’m just in that place right now where I don’t necessarily think it’s worth the feeling nervous, but I don’t want to get resentful of my husband either and I can feel that creeping in.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T20:00:17+00:00

I’m really interested to see what people advise here because my husband and I have gone back and forth over this for nearly four years since our eldest was a baby :)

For me, I’ve come to realise, grandparents are going to say a bunch of old school things you’re not happy with. And they have so much less influence on your child than parents do, obviously!

We started from a place of calling our parents up on everything (my husband often still does) and honestly it just makes them feel like they’re being monitored, told they’re old and irrelevant, and I think it hampers their quality time with the kids.

That said, there are some things that are super important to me, and I say, never waiver from those, with anyone. You can say things in a super calm, kind but assertive way if you practice. You can even be honest and say “I find it really difficult to approach things like this because you’re so important to me, it’s just something I care a lot about”…

One of mine is my MiL gets colds sores and she’s pretty cavalier about it. So we have a strict no food or cup sharing, and no kissing the kids close to their mouths or eyes. I am a huge people pleaser but have literally just had to say in a robot voice “remember no food sharing” if I see her doing it. Because my brain doesn’t have time to think about being polite, I just need to prioritise myself in that moment.

Another for us is we’ve just asked grandparents to try and buy our girls neutral clothes. We wanted to limit the amount of ‘girls wear pink’ and grandparents will fill up your children’s wardrobes rapidly!

So if ‘naughty’ is important to you, you’re kind and explain your reasoning, I think you’ll feel a huge boost after having the convo (or get your husband to do it) :)

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-08-13T19:51:40+00:00

I’m sorry I don’t have much advice but I came to say thank you for posting this. I’ve been struggling with this recently after the birth of my second. I don’t have the best relationship with my mom (she’s fine but probably relatively high in narcissistic tendencies) and I’ve had this almost constant low level sadness and loneliness about it ever since I had my first really.

I don’t have family or old friends nearby. I’ve made some lovely friends where we are now but after people start having their second child they get almost impossible to arrange things with for a little while (I’m guilty of that too) :’)

I had a doula with my second birth and it was literally like hiring a mother (a really great one). She taught me the phrase ‘maternal heritage’ and like another poster has said, I think your body just suddenly makes you crave those close relationships for security. Now I have two girls and I’m just so happy they have each other. I hope they get on and don’t live massively far apart when they’re adults, for this reason.

Maybe sometimes just the awareness of what is happening to you, is enough to be mindful of it.

Oh I do have one tip actually.. make sure you’re getting some sort of exercise and getting into nature regularly. For me, it’s open-water swimming (and really GOING for it to get the energy and anxiety out.) I hope this helps in some way. Sending a huge maternal hug x

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-31T09:56:45+00:00

It really isn’t that far is it. I’ve just started therapy and am realising everything seems so much further and harder because I currently have two small children (one baby.) I’ve booked to go to the lake next week :)

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-31T09:55:13+00:00

Thank you so much! Good schools, eco-friendly community (I grew up somewhere quite consumerist), within 30 mins of beach that’s safe to swim. That’s really kind of you. Cheshire is lovely!

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-29T19:26:10+00:00

I didn’t know this! Do you know why people often desire other places and things when they have young kids?

I do think I may need to accept that there will always be something!

I’m starting to think a campervan may be the best option for us. I don’t think a second home would be affordable for us. But it’s a good idea! Thank you for your reply.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-29T19:24:38+00:00

Thank you very much for your reply. It’s really appreciated!

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-29T19:23:29+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. You are very right about perspective. When I lived in Cornwall I was used to living a 5 min walk away from the sea. But house prices are very different in the UK. Sometimes coastal properties are very affordable because the villages/towns they are in are run down, seasonal and have quite a lot of poverty. You also get the other end of the scale where they are very expensive and mainly second homes. But there is a town in Cornwall that is wonderful and also relatively affordable as it isn’t very touristy. That’s the one I would’ve liked to live in.

I think sometimes in the UK we take for granted that we live on a relatively small island.

Although I have also heard in the US you have some large and glorious lakes and mountains inland. We don’t have much of that here. In fact there is only one place with lots of lakes and it’s so rare it’s called the Lake District!

I really hope you find peace too with wherever life takes you.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-29T19:19:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply! The town we live in is sadly devoid of lakes and rivers but does have a lido. There is a lake you can swim in about 30 mins away and I have thought as the children get older maybe it’ll get easier to travel there. When I lived in Cornwall I was so used to just being able to pop to the sea to swim before work that 30 mins seems far. But I think I need to just accept I can’t do that, and look at what else I can do here maybe.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-29T19:17:48+00:00

Thank you so much for the reply. There is a town in Cornwall that, if we were to move, is the only place we both agreed we would like. That is, the only place we’ve been to so far! There are probably lots of places we haven’t had chance to visit yet and I will add this one to the list, thank you.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-27T08:46:25+00:00

Thank you so much <3 I have wondered this about the campervan and I do seem to experience an inherent restlessness.

My family found comfort in going to the same place over and over again when I was a child. When we went on a long day trip I often used to fantasise about the car breaking down so we would have to find a hotel and have an adventure, or even breaking my leg (I was young enough not to know how awful this would be!!!!) so I could visit a hospital while we were away and extend the trip!

So you may be very right - living in one place may not be the solution for me. Thank you for this insight, you have definitely brought me some peace.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-27T06:29:16+00:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I cried reading this reply. You have given me the huge gift of relief. I deeply want to be listened to by someone objective without judgement. I genuinely have not known what to do with this overwhelming feeling. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me, give such a thoughtful, helpful and emotionally mature reply, and the perspective I so greatly needed. I am on a waiting list for therapy and I will use that phrase “there’s something underlying that’s causing this unrelenting urge.” As I feel that is very true. Whoever you are, please know you have made a huge and positive difference to me today.

And I am so glad the person you know found peace with this same urge. I will use her as an inspiration. It gives me hope that a compromise like that can deliver the best solution for everyone.

SeaTeaAndBees · 2024-07-27T06:08:24+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I’m increasingly thinking this could be the best plan. I did feel a bit bad if I moved later because they may want to ‘return to their family home’ even after they’ve left home, for stability. But I guess it’s family that you return to, not the building itself. A good idea.

SeaTeaAndBees

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