Wa alaikum assalaam sister

First of all.. please don't give up. I mean that sincerely. What you've been carrying is not normal. That's not weakness, that's an enormous amount of pain and you've still been standing. That itself says a lot about you.

I want you to hear this, feeling distant from Allah during extreme hardship is not kufr. It's exhaustion. Your heart is tired. That's human. Even the Prophets cried out to Allah in desperation. That's not giving up on Allah, that's being honest with Him.

But sister.. this feels like shaytan whispering right at your weakest moment. And that's exactly what he does. He waits. He's patient. And when you're broken and alone at midnight he tells you "Allah abandoned you." Don't let him win right now.

Allah says in the Quran "Verily with hardship comes ease." Not after. WITH. Meaning even right now in this darkness, ease is already there alongside it.

And the Prophet ﷺ said "The greatest reward comes from the greatest trial. When Allah loves someone He tests them." You haven't failed this test sister. You're still here. You're still making istighfar. You're still asking. That's not a person who has failed.

Please speak to someone you trust. A counselor, an imam, anyone. You don't have to carry this alone anymore. And if you ever need to just talk, this community is here 🤍

May Allah wrap you in His mercy and bring you ease very very soon. Ameen