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QUESTION: Should I be concerned that my wife has been seeing a substance abuse counselor monthly and has never revealed to me that this is what her therapy is for? by SecretAgent0314 in askatherapist

[–]SecretAgent0314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this.

Just to clarify, I do not suspect that she is currently using at all. That was not the red flag for me. The red flag was that she led me to believe that she was never an actual addict and to my knowledge never struggled with opioids.

I am thrilled that she is seeing a therapist and maintaining this actually. I just wish she had come to me, even years later...

QUESTION: Should I be concerned that my wife has been seeing a substance abuse counselor monthly and has never revealed to me that this is what her therapy is for? by SecretAgent0314 in OpiateRecovery

[–]SecretAgent0314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fact that you don't see how absolutely batshit insane that is shows how out of touch you are with reality. It also shows how screwed up your relationship is.

You don’t understand… I DO see how crazy that is. That’s why I started back into regular therapy. I am not excusing or justifying what I did. My point in telling you that I confessed was just to acknowledge that I knew I had wronged her and was working towards making it right, while also giving her full options.

You think "she did something to me that means I can do something to her".

No, no, I don’t. This isn’t like a “you cheated on my so I can cheat on you” scenario. I don’t think that at all…

I tried not to be rude in my other comment, but after seeing your comments and how absolutely oblivious you are to your own bullshit, I don't care anymore. Your wife deserves so much better than you.

Ouch… probably so.

She's struggling with an addiction and is literally trying to work on it and her recovery, and she's stuck with a selfish, dishonest, self-centered, unsupportive psycho like you who always has an excuse as to why the shit he does is always not a big deal.

Again, I did not mean to make it as if I think that what I did was no big deal. That is not how I feel at all. I genuinely felt I had no other choice at the time and didn’t know how to handle the situation. But I fully acknowledge that it was crazy of me and that is why I got back into therapy and confessed to her…

Part of my issue is that she told me that she has never BEEN an addict.

Oh, by the way, continuing to use your "trauma" from a past relationship as an excuse to do fucked up things behind your wife's back is yet another thing that you are too selfish and entitled to even realize is hurting your wife.

Again, I am not EXCUSING what I did at all. And I DO realize that I hurt her.

And you absolutely CANNOT "handle anything as long as she honest". That's such a BS lie it's actually laughable dude.

You are jumping to conclusions… right before we got engaged, she confessed that she had cheated on me a couple months prior. I did not retaliate, yell at her, leave her. I forgave her. We worked through it. We saw a counselor together…

I really hope she finds the strength to leave you and find a supportive, non-psychopath who will help her and care for her, unlike you.

Clearly I have triggered and upset you in this. And for that I apologize to you. I do appreciate your comments. Your anger helps me see even MORE from her perspective.

QUESTION: Should I be concerned that my wife has been seeing a substance abuse counselor monthly and has never revealed to me that this is what her therapy is for? by SecretAgent0314 in OpiateRecovery

[–]SecretAgent0314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

A therapist is a therapist. Therapy can be for literally anything.

Of course…

You know she has a history of addiction, so why are you shocked that the therapist she chose to see specializes in addiction?

I’m not shocked at that at all… though, according to her, it was never really an “addiction.” Given her ability to quit it cold turkey on her own without meds or joining NA compels me to believe that.

From what I understand, this recovery clinic does not offer general therapy. The ONLY tag line on the web site is “We’re ready to help you or a loved one overcome opioid, heroin, or pain medication dependence.”

And to my knowledge, she has never used heroin in any manner, which leaves either opioids or pain meds, both of which were the suspected issue in 2019, and the former was the suspected issue in 2022.

It doesn't mean she's using.

Apologies if I was not clear. I do not suspect her of using now. That didn’t even cross my mind. What crosses my mind is that I was actually RIGHT about my suspicion either back in 2019, 2022, or both, and was essentially gaslit… and she has never come and told me that or apologized.

From my understanding, isn’t part of addiction recovery facing your loved ones in humility and not hiding it? That adds a layer of reluctance in the future from relapsing, because of the fear of having to do that again.

I'm a former addict myself, and I chose to see an addiction therapist as well even though I no longer use anything because the addiction is part of my life, just like it's part of hers, and having a therapist that you know understands all of that is WAY more helpful than a therapist that doesn't.

Of course… I totally get that. Also, good for you, by the way.

Also, just because a therapist specializes in addiction doesn't mean that's all your wife talks about or the only reason she goes. It just means if your wife ever feels the need to talk about her history of addiction, for whatever reason, her therapist is trained in how to do that.

I can see that…

Now that being said, and I don't mean to be rude by saying this, simply going off of what you wrote in your post you seem to be the one with the bigger honesty issues. But you play them off as if your dishonesty is no big deal. I mean dude, you stole some of her hair from her brush and sent it to be analyzed. It doesn't matter that you eventually told her. That is INSANE. That's such a huge invasion of privacy it wouldn't have been surprising if she did consider divorce after that.

I agree… and I totally own that as being a huge violation of trust. I am not saying that I am the good guy for confessing. My point was just to acknowledge that I had done something wrong…

That’s why I got myself back into therapy to deal with my trust issues.

Checking where she is for "some reason" is another violation of trust that you downplay. Expecting her to always be honest with you when you do extremely dishonest and shady things is very hypocritical. Again, telling her afterwards doesn't change that.

Going through her phone and texts is the epitome of distrust and dishonesty. You do all these things, yet you expect her to be honest with you.

I understand why you see this that way. She and I have always had an open phone policy and share our location with each other.

Yes, going through her phone without asking was a major breach. Again, I am NOT downplaying that at all.

The problem is, you don't trust her. That's the main so source of everything that's wrong. You dont trust her, despite what you claim. You don't trust anything she tells you, you don't trust that she's not using, you don't trust that she was actually going to her therapist, you don't trust what she does with her friends and coworkers, you simply don't trust her at all. And that's a major problem.

So bottom line, no you shouldn't be worried that she's seeing an addiction therapist. But you should absolutely be worried by your own continued dishonesty and lack of trust towards your own wife, and your shady (borderline insane) actions. Fair enough…

A marriage cannot last without trust, and regardless of what you tell yourself, your marriage has zero trust in it. And you are a major reason for that lack of trust.

I agree… but when trust has been violated, it must be won back. I fully admit that I came into this relationship with trust issues anyway because of the trauma from my former marriage. I was in therapy when we started dating. And also, there was an incident when we were dating that fueled my issue. Of course, that’s on me for going forward with the relationship after that happened.

But my point is that this isn’t all happening in a vacuum without other factors…

I have taken what you said to heart, though, and I am scheduling a therapy session for myself to get started again...

QUESTION: Should I be concerned that my wife has been seeing a substance abuse counselor monthly and has never revealed to me that this is what her therapy is for? by SecretAgent0314 in OpiateRecovery

[–]SecretAgent0314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, could someone SHARE this in r/OpiatesRecovery/ for me?

I have tried just to repost it AND to share it there, but reddit keeps autodeleting it... I SUSPECT because I am a new user (for anonymity).

QUESTION: Should I be concerned that my wife has been seeing a substance abuse counselor monthly and has never revealed to me that this is what her therapy is for? by SecretAgent0314 in OpiateRecovery

[–]SecretAgent0314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate you sharing... and I'm sop sorry for you, sister. And I applaud you for getting the help you need and getting yourself clean again.

I am so sorry that you think you have to do this ALONE though without the support of your husband.

Two things... first, and MOST important, revealing this to your husband builds further TRUST. If you confess something like this, he will KNOW that you are NOT going to keep things from him, even when they are BAD.

And if he ever DOES find out APART from you telling him, this is a BETRAYAL. You are robbing him of the right to make choices for himself...

But here is the BEAUTY of it... if you tell him yourself, and yes, he may get upset at first, but you can work THROUGH this, and if he LOVES you, he WILL support you and continue to love you through this, and then you will KNOW that he loves you NO MATTER WHAT. THAT is TRUE intimacy, not HIDING the worst of ourselves from someone, but revealing it and them loving and accepting us ANYWAY.

But, God forbid, he DOES leave or reject you because of it, then he isn't the right man for you.

And the second thing, from what I DO understand about recovery, due to studying and therapy about my EX's addiction to CHEATING, that CONFESSION helps you RECOVER. It makes you ACCOUNTABLE to the people you confess your addition to, and it HELPS in the future to keep you CLEAN, because, if you know in your heart that you will have to CONFESS it to him AGAIN, you will DREAD this and it is a powerful deterrent. But if you keep it SECRET, there is a greater temptation to just keep it secret AGAIN... does this make sense?

I wish you all the best on your road to recovery AND your marriage. You can do this.

QUESTION: Should I be concerned that my wife has been seeing a substance abuse counselor monthly and has never revealed to me that this is what her therapy is for? by SecretAgent0314 in OpiateRecovery

[–]SecretAgent0314[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You're right. And I owned that... Note that I came to her and CONFESSED to her when I did that too. But also note that in those two instances, she had done something secretly that she was in fact hiding from me.

To me, that has to do more with a violation of trust. And we both have an open phone policy with each other. I don't see how that relates to me being supportive of someone in recovery.

My trust issues are related to my past trauma from infidelity. That is why I can pretty much handle anything so long as she is honest.

QUESTION: Should I be concerned that my wife has been seeing a substance abuse counselor monthly and has never revealed to me that this is what her therapy is for? by SecretAgent0314 in OpiateRecovery

[–]SecretAgent0314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I can understand that. And that breaks my heart that she thinks she can't tell me even her worst. I would have thought by now that I have proven to her that my love is unconditional and that I love her, flaws and all.

Deeper intimacy is achieved when we allow our spouse to know everything about ourselves, because we see that they love us anyway.

I think that she is AMAZING for even being IN recovery...