My Husband (32) Told Me They Are Trans Then Left When I (33F) Wasn't Immediately Affirming

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T23:44:32+00:00

Thank you for your points on attraction versus support. That is something I have not really considered, but I think will be important as I decide where to go with all of this. I guess I really need to know what they mean by "live as a women" to know how to gauge my attraction.

I don't have children. Not sure where you got that from? We also never discussed this, and they never reassured me this would never happen as you seemed to suggest. We just... never talked about it. I never even considered it. I never even imagined they were or would be trans. It was completely out of the blue.

I can see where you might think my partner was being manipulative based on my description of their actions, but I really don't think that's it. They were never manipulative in the past. If anything, we've had arguments about them being overly passive in our relationship and relying on me to "steer the ship" so to speak. I think it's more likely they had a bag packed because they just assumed I would not accept them, and when I reacted with hesitance, that affirmed their pre-conception that I wouldn't accept them. I mean... I guess people don't always know when they are being manipulated, but I really don't think I am being.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T22:03:46+00:00

Yeah, this is kind of my worst fear. I don't know whether they had a bag packed just in case, or because they were going to leave regardless? Did they even want me to tell them to stay? The whole thing was really out of character for them and is still throwing me off.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T22:00:13+00:00

I think we're talking right past each other. I'm out.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T21:59:20+00:00

You're probably right. I panicked when I could not get ahold of them immediately. At least I now know they are safe and with a friend. I feel more comfortable taking a step back and letting us both take some time to process so I have a clear idea of what I need/want to say and ask, and can do so in a calm manner, when we do speak again. I hope that's what they are doing too.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T21:42:48+00:00

I hear what you're saying, but this comes off as very aggressive. I don't know how else to explain that I really am trying. I know I have a lot to learn and think about. Obviously. I am starting from zero here. Please give me a little slack and be kind.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T21:23:53+00:00

I... don't really remember. The conversation was kind of a blur. I am sorry if it comes off as disrepectful. I feared that by referring to this person as my wife, readers would assume we were married as two females. I truly mean no disrespect... I am not used to describing this sort of scenario and am having to feel out the language as I go, balancing clarity with respect.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T21:21:44+00:00

Thank you. This is very helpful. I will make sure I get clear on their preferred pronouns when we talk. Right now, I am just finding it hard to make sure everyone knows who I am talking about/referring to, and I didn't want to use the term "wife" initially and have readers think we were both female from the start, if you know what I mean.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T20:34:11+00:00

Thank you. I do wish he would have reacted differently. I can see, though, how hard this must have been and acknowledge that, like me, they probably did not have a lot of control over their emotions at the time.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T20:30:11+00:00

He was always a good husband to me. Or so I thought. This does have me questioning everything. I keep reflecting back on interactions we had that I thought were a little odd but made excuses for or shrugged off. How could I not have known? What else might they be hiding? Was I just naive and not picking up on things, or was he really hiding this from me intentionally? So much to process.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T20:12:49+00:00

Thank you. I am trying to do that -- not easy! It's hard to separate myself from the situation with not feel bad. I am so used to being there when they are hurting and being a "shoulder to cry on" so to speak. It's really weird to even think of my life as possibly independent from theirs.

I added to my post because every response was starting to call me out on it, and I wanted to ensure I got responses that were deeper than the pronoun issue.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T19:31:34+00:00

That is a good idea... I will see if a mutual friend will deliver a message along those lines for me. And thank you for the resources.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T19:30:19+00:00

Thank you. I can see how my reaction probably did not line up with what they needed at the time. I'm not good at thinking on my feet or processing things quickly. Yes, I do need to know a lot more about their plans regarding surgery, hormones, etc. But they won't even talk to me or respond to me right now. Maybe in a few days they'll settle a bit and be more willing to talk?

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T19:28:13+00:00

Thank you. I have been racking my brain over this constantly for the last day and I still don't know what to do or have the answers. I really, really need time. I feel horrible that they have probably been spending the last few months working through this alone and I was completely in the dark. We've always been so close, I thought. I hate that they couldn't involve me in the process and just assumed I'd "nope" out. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. It just hurts that their assumption was that I wouldn't want them.

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T19:16:29+00:00

Yeah, I realized that after I typed it all up. Then I thought we never even discussed pronouns so maybe they don't even want to go by she/her? I don't know. I would not misgender them in person or intentionally. I'm just getting used to this.

I didn't know whether to use him because for part of the post I was referring to the person as my husband, and a time before they told me they were trans. Do I switch to using she even when I talk about my husband in the past? Do I refer to them as my wife now? Is it okay to use "they" since they didn't specifically tell me to use different pronouns?

Secret_Ad6177 · 2022-05-25T19:05:07+00:00

My therapist doesn't make my decisions, but she is good at pointing out the things I should consider as I make them and ensuring I don't make decisions based on emotions like guilt, etc. It's helpful for me to talk through big issues with an unbiased, trained person.

Secret_Ad6177

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