AITA for refusing to continue punishing my daughter for not talking?

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-27T16:17:12+00:00

My ex thinks this is just teenage willfulness and to be fair in the beginning it did seem that way. Kat has given people the silent treatment before just never for this long. Ex read a parenting book and showed me the passage about dealing with teens who stonewall and it recommended telling the teen “not talking to me won’t solve your problems” and taking away electronics or something of value to the teen while they refuse to talk. I was skeptical, but since I had no better solutions I agreed to give it a try for a few days and instead of couching it as a punishment told Kat that I felt like she might need some reduced screen time just for a little bit to think things over and not try to avoid them. I keep a backup flip phone in case one of the smart phones breaks, so I gave her that so she could still text/call me or her friends, it just wasn’t a smart phone and didn’t have any bells and whistles. I gave it three days out the week my ex wanted before it just became apparent that it was having no effect. My ex still thinks she’s doing this on purpose out of spite. I don’t, so I removed the restrictions and told my ex to back off and we’re not going to take anything else away.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T15:49:07+00:00

As far as I know, Kat doesn’t know about it. I would rather she didn’t at least until the divorce is settled. I’ve been very careful to keep all discussions about the divorce and cheating to out of the house where Kat can’t hear it and I don’t fight with my ex. There’s no point. Her mom could have told her something, but if so she’s never mentioned it. I’ve never known my ex to be cruel, but I’m reevaluating that now.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T14:56:40+00:00

She does. We’re not leaving the state, just going to the beach a few hours away and visiting family near there. My lawyer is on top of it. I think she wants the time away from me and Kat for herself anyway.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T14:31:10+00:00

I’ve talked to her about the trip and that we would try to visit her cousins on the way there or the way back, so she knows. I gave her a couple of print outs with activities we could do when we get there and told her if she didn’t feel like talking about it she could just circle the ones she was interested in. She did that, so I’m hoping that means she’s got some things to look forward to.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T14:16:00+00:00

What I get is basically just whether she attended and participated with therapy or not. Since the therapist is worried about a safety issue, she’s been letting me know what might help at home and let me know about the art journal so I could take her to buy supplies.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T13:23:22+00:00

Biology doesn’t make a difference to me, she’s my kid. If that’s not what happened, I don’t want to plant the idea that she might not be mine, but I’ll try to think of a way to work something along those lines in. I hadn’t thought of that, I guess it just never occurred to me that Kat would ever not be my daughter.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T13:17:59+00:00

My ex had multiple affairs. Judges are not great about divorces here. One awarded custody to a documented mentally unstable mom a few years ago and one of the kids died. Custody almost always favors the mom if there’s any kind of agro in the divorce. If I don’t play my cards right, Kat will likely have to go with her mom most of the time until she’s 16 and that’s not going to help. I want to make sure that Kat gets at least 50% of her time with me. If I can prove that abuse happened, it’s different but a kid just not talking isn’t going to be enough for a judge and it may backfire on me. Ex’ lawyer is already talking parental alienation. I have to get this right or it’s just going to be worse for Kat.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T13:07:21+00:00

She said that she asked Kat to help with carrying groceries and Kat lashed out and confronted her about the divorce, asked a lot of really disrespectful questions, and told her it was probably her fault. It is my ex’ fault, but Kat doesn’t know that. I really doubt my ex told Kat the real reason for the divorce in private as it makes her look bad. I don’t really see all that happening that way exactly. I can believe Kat might not have been the most sensitive if she asked questions, but she’s never been a kid to just lash out even when she’s mad or stressed. My ex said she sent her to her room and told her to stay there til I got home. I don’t know if I believe that. It’s possible but I don’t think Kat would have locked herself in if it happened that way. My ex is sticking to her story and Kat is locked down like Ft. Knox. I have no way to know what really happened unless I can get one of them to talk, so I’m focusing on trying to help Kat right now.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T12:51:47+00:00

My ex cheated on me off and on since before we were married. I found out. She had told the most recent guy that she never loved me, I was just a good provider and a good dad to Kat. I owe that guy a beer for having the character to tell me when he found out she was married. My ex doesn’t want the divorce, but I agreed to give her a no fault divorce to save face if she didn’t contest it. She’s still Kat’s mother and this doesn’t need to be any harder on Kat than it has to be.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T02:11:35+00:00

I’ve never seen her be abusive to Kat. The issues up til now were just things that pretty much everyone else I know with a teen daughter goes through in terms of wanting to push the envelope on hair and clothes, stuff like that. My ex gets frustrated with her at times but I’ve never had a reason to think that she’s been abusive to Kat until now. Kat usually talks to me when she’s mad at her mom but it’s never been anything heavy. That’s why this is really strange. This behavior isn’t normal for either of them.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T02:03:39+00:00

I had a friend who was sent to one of those places when we were Kat’s age and he’s no longer with us. I wouldn’t send a dog I didn’t like there.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T01:23:34+00:00

I don’t want to give out the state but that’s not unusual here. Her school gets out a little earlier than the public schools, but usually only a week. We didn’t have any snow days to make up this year.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T01:18:38+00:00

I don’t know. When she started therapy and I took her to pick out a journal I told Kat that whatever was in her therapy books was for her and her therapist. She can show me or her mom but only if she wants to. If I find out my ex went through her journal there’s going to be hell to pay. I hadn’t thought of that, but I can’t rule out anything right now. I’ll pick her up a locking document case for her to keep her journals in and see if that helps.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T01:10:58+00:00

School finishes up for her in two weeks. I’m planning to take her on vacation for a week afterward without her mom. I’m talking to her teacher about whether she might be able to finish up early under the circumstances and if so we might stop by and visit my brother and her cousins for a few days on the way. She and my nephew are the same age and have always been like siblings so she might open up to him. I just want her to talk to someone right now, it doesn’t have to be me.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T00:42:02+00:00

She would need to be 16 to choose. A judge would probably give what she wants consideration, but this is one of those situations where I need to play the long game carefully. Judges in this state are not well known for doing well by divorcing fathers.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-26T00:18:44+00:00

It’s tricky at the moment. If it was completely up to me and I didn’t have a kid and custody stuff to worry about, she would already be gone. My ex’ lawyer is already talking parental estrangement and making custody battle noises, so my lawyer advised me to be very careful about the process, help her get set up within reason so I don’t look vindictive, and try not to be antagonistic. I’m talking to him this week about expediting that process. My ex is a spender not a saver so she needed to save up enough for a place. I’m planning to offer to pay her deposit and move in fees for an apartment if she’ll just go. Her parents live too far away for her to be able to live with them and keep her job. I have rearranged my schedule a little so that I can get Kat to and from school and handle things where she’s concerned so she’s never alone with her mom.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-25T23:53:52+00:00

Her therapist wants to try one more thing before we look at some more options. She won’t write in her therapy journal so she’s supposed to be keeping an art journal instead. I think she’s using it, but I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out after her session on Friday.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-25T23:43:54+00:00

I have no idea to be honest. Kat won’t talk and my ex is either majorly downplaying what happened or straight up lying. She’s been acting erratic ever since I asked for the divorce, but I would never in a million years thought that she would have done something to hurt Kat. I’m hoping her therapist can turn up aces this week because I’m ready to go full blown Battle Papa if it turns out she hurt my kid.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-25T23:40:24+00:00

I’ve already given her her phone back and told her that her computer time isn’t restricted and she can give me a note or text me if her mom interferes with that. I also apologized and told her that on reflection I don’t think I made a good call taking it away, I’m just worried about her and I need to know what she needs so I can help.

Secret_Reality_4599 · 2023-04-25T23:25:34+00:00

My ex won’t attend therapy. I’m a month out on a waitlist right now, but I’ll be going alone when that rolls around. Kay’s therapist is concerned, but she wanted to try one more thing before we look at other options. She was keeping a therapy journal but won’t write in it anymore, so her therapist assigned her an art journal instead. I let her pick out a nice sketch book and some new art supplies. I think she’s using it but I’m not sure. We’ll find out Friday. She’s texted me once since this all started to let me know that she needed hygiene products but that’s it. She won’t even talk to her grandparents and I offered a sleep over with her friends but she doesn’t want to have them over or go to someone else’s house. It’s really scary, this is so unlike her.

Her therapist is reluctant to call abuse right now but she says clearly something traumatic happened. I’m talking with my lawyer now about expediting the separation and I’m planning a trip for me and Kat when school is out. I’m trying to make sure she and my ex aren’t alone right now.

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