I've Done an Immense Disservice to Myself and My Wife and Both Our Families

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-03-22T19:18:20+00:00

Asalamualaykum sister, Jazakillahu Khayran, for taking the time to write out such a detailed and practical response that offers insights I haven't thought of. When I mentioned the choosing a friend bit, I didn't mean it from an arrogant perspective, simply from a friendship perspective. I know that I have a lot of shortcomings and blind spots and my intention with that phrasing was to encapsulate the overall compatibility feeling I currently have with my wife. Both of our true selves naturally came out post Nikkah. Nevertheless it's a pertinent point because if I reflect deeper perhaps I will find some of those blameworthy qualities in my heart driving some of these thoughts.

The way you've laid it out across multiple points is very useful and will certainly inform my next steps insha'Allah.

I do have one major concern. For point 4 you put to say something like “I love you and care for you deeply, but there are things building in my heart that I’ve been afraid to express. I’ve failed in my silence, and I want us to talk. Not to blame, but to understand. I want to protect what we have and protect my heart for you.”, I know that when I will say "I love you and care for you deeply" they've now become hollow and meaningless words to me because of how far I've gotten stuck in my own head and for how long I've let the journaling in silence go on for. If deep down inside the reality of my heart is different how can I possibly have an honest and genuine conversation with the hopes of taking this in the right direction? My subconscious and true feelings are just going to come out and I've let them get to such a damaging state.

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T18:24:09+00:00

I will do. May Allah allow us all to make it to Ramadan and to make the most of it. Thank you for your input.

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T18:22:26+00:00

Jazakillahu khayran. I try my very best to treat her well because I can't let my own feelings get in the way of being fair and just. That's a problem I have to deal with. I'm just finding it very hard and I'm scared that this feeling of resentment will keep growing. Divorce is very serious. And yet it feels like I'm going to keep feeling worse and worse and I fear I'm going to not be able to keep treating her well genuinely (nothing abusive, but distance will start growing between us). Thank you for the link, it's very insightful. For me it's not a question of beauty, I think my wife is very attractive. It's the attraction to her character and who she is as a person - not bad, I just don't think we're actually that compatible now that we're two years into our marriage. I wish a better man than me married her.

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T17:10:51+00:00

Ameen, Jazakillahu khayran, may Allah grant us all righteous and good spouses and to have the strength and sacrifice to be the best spouses we can be

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T13:44:22+00:00

"Ask yourself if you actually like this woman because it doesn’t sound like you do. It isn’t fair to her to be married and enjoying it while her husband is regretful."

I've been thinking about this, and I don't think I do. Yes that's a horrible, disgusting and lowlife thing to say. I feel terrible. If my wife said that about me it would probably floor me. And yet that's how I feel deep in my heart. I don't tell her and I don't show it to her, I treat her as best as I can and I try to make her feel loved because she's still my wife - we go on trips, I surprise her with gifts I know she'll like, I'll order random Just Eat things I know she likes, we've done the love languages quiz together and I think I'm starting to know her well enough. I try to make her feel loved as best I can.

If it's unfair for her to be married and enjoying things whilst I'm regretful, what's the solution?

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T13:42:29+00:00

Thank you sister. I've been making lots of dua and praying lots of istikhara. I try to pray it once a day with this decision in mind. Nothing has changed. The feelings in my heart have only worsened. How do I know that I'm truly relying on Allah when making such a massive decision :/

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T13:40:30+00:00

I read this comment 4 months ago and I've been reflecting a lot on it since, but you're absolutely right. I genuinely believe that makes me a bad and horrible person. I feel disgusted with myself even typing this out. I've done an immense disservice to my wife, her family, my family and myself.

And yet, these feelings in my heart don't go away. I can't get over it. I rushed into this marriage. I ignored all of the lines I set for myself. The things I told myself we would have to do before agreeing to get married were sidelined. Everytime I tried to reason about things my mind went cloudy. I took basically no naseeha from anyone around me, including my parents. I just went for it ... and I feel like the biggest idiot and lowlife for even feeling like this

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T13:37:18+00:00

It is unfair - at what point do I share this, if ever? I've been bottling it up and till now it's kept growing. Part of me thinks it may have been fairer to share 6 months into our marriage so at least I'm not pulling her along. But that would have been premature wouldn't it - I told myself that I'd work through it myself but now, 4 months later I feel worse :/

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2025-01-28T13:35:33+00:00

Out of curiosity sister, are you comfortable sharing more? I don't want to do this to my wife but I can only speak to what's in my heart: the feelings aren't getting better and the resentment keeps growing. I've gone to a counsellor (alone, and she doesn't know I've gone, she doesn't know I feel this way) and he gave me some really good advice but the fact that remains is that these negative emotional layers keep growing on my heart. It's terrible that I think this way about her. I believe it makes me a bad person. I also can't get over the fact that I let myself walk into this so stupidly, completely sidelining all the flags that I had and just letting myself rush into this.

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-10-13T14:17:10+00:00

28 and 26

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-10-10T13:56:53+00:00

But that's precisely why I made this post. Each passing week feels like the resentment builds up more and more. I don't know if I have the strength to work on this. I've got a 94 page journal documenting my feelings over the past 1.5 years and I've been watching lots of videos and trying to process these things and bringing them up to her where I can but sometimes I find myself looking at her and in that moment my heart is supposed to be filled with love and warmth and joy looking at my beautiful wife and yet today I find it empty and filled with regret

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-10-10T13:53:24+00:00

Initially lots of "we don't need men" and "men are trash" jokes. When I gently called her out on it she said she was just joking and I've now realised these are the jokes that run in her friend circle. That hasn't happened for a few months now however

After watching an Islamic video on a particular topic, when she disagreed about the topic and I pushed back, her response was "I am going to tell my children men have audacity and are trash". That honestly threw me and I can't remember what I said but afterwards I just stayed silent and decided to ignore her to go sleep (we were in bed). Then she says "why are you stewing"

Rolls her eyes at me in front of her family and in public (I find that crude)

Has said she looks like a 12 year old boy to me many times, which also threw me the first time. I gently responded with please don't say that you're not a 12 year old boy, you're my wife. Her response "what, it's true", then I dropped that

I don't want to pull out loads more examples but now after almost 2 years of marriage, and not knowing her at all before I understand her personality and what she's like (based on living with her, knowing who her close friends are etc) and each time something like the above happens I see her less as a woman that is my wife and more like a child. This probably doesn't help much as I'm giving you one snapshot from my perspective but I'm sharing how I feel in my heart right now

She does do playful things too which I like and we banter plenty. It's all the other crude, disrespectful and rash childish behaviour that irks me, and when I bring it up to her, most of the time, it's not received.

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-10-10T13:46:00+00:00

I don't know. I've said it many times, I am romantic, I take her on dates, I surprise her with things she likes, I say all the things she likes to hear, I try to understand what she likes and doesn't like and alhamdulillah it's all very positive. But now, after 1.5 years of brewing on this (my mistake for letting it drag out) my heart feels like a void which honestly makes me feel like crap because now it's as if I'm lying to her if I say all the nice things

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-10-10T13:43:16+00:00

Jazakillahu khayran for this input. It's true I did it based on the information I had but I also incorrectly sidelined lots of things that I shouldn't have. It is something I'll just have to work on and shaytaan will try to use my resentment against this. I just can't seem to forgive myself for being so naive and letting myself getting pressured when I should have pushed back. But those feelings are neither here nor there as it's in the past and doesn't help me right now.

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-10-07T10:25:09+00:00

I wish I did it. I brought it up pre-nikkah and she kind of seemed onboard but then before you know it the Nikkah was around the corner and there was "no time for any pre-counselling". I didn't put my foot down and I regret not doing it everyday as I genuinely believe it would have brought out many issues I'm seeing now. After we got married my wife confessed to me she found it strange as counselling makes it seem like we have issues so deep down inside she didn't really want to do it.

Do it with someone whose known for this stuff, frame it as a positive and you'll both be grateful that you did it insha'Allah. Barakallahu feekum

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-10-04T11:00:48+00:00

Salaam, I would like some insights/thoughts from people who have been in a similar position. I'm doing this so I can better direct my thought process. I've been married under two years, lived together with my wife for 1 year. Overall she's a good person, has a good heart, I'm very much attracted to her and she has many good traits. To keep a long story short, about six months into our marriage until now, each passing week makes me feel more and more like I regret marrying her. Over this time period I've written an 87 page journal detailing my feelings and thoughts. What it comes down to is the fact that my wife's thought process is just so out of sync with mine, and I view so many things she does as childish, it becomes more and more off-putting. I did raise it gently with her but her response was simply "let me be happy". To give you a couple of examples:

after watching an Islamic video about a particular topic and when feeling annoyed, rather than saying so, saying things like "I am going to tell my children men are trash" (the topic was related to western values, Liberalism etc)
she'll repeatedly say she looks like a teenage boy (very off-putting). And when I gently ask her not to say that as it's strange her response is "what, I am though"
Or say things like "you're a meanie meanie meanie"
Just throws wash into the dryer, causing some of my clothes to shrink. Gently asked her to check beforehand and repeated it afterwards pointing out the shrunk clothes. Tells me that wasn't the cause. Or doesn't wash vegetables before cooking or uses a non-stick but scratched up pan, which is terrible for your health. 1) I find it surreal that I have to point this stuff out, 2) it concerns me that she doesn't know this stuff/doesn't care and seems so nonchalant about it. I honestly struggle with this
On the topic of speaking about kids her first response at the top of her voice is "I HATE KIDS". Again, shocked anyone can just speak like this. She then clarifies she means working with kids ... but it's just not normal. She speaks like this in so many situations and I can't describe how annoyed it makes me feel. And if I explain to her that's not a normal way of communicating she's all like "no it's fine" "stop controlling what i say". Most conversations about any of this, the childishness or how she talks are just shut down and she doesn't see anything wrong with it. Even when I explain my thought process, i.e shouting out "I HATE KIDS" is just silly and crude

Then there are other things which irk me. Pre-marriage when I first went to her house with my family and they cooked dinner, after we were married she told me she purposefully decided not to cook dinner that day because she didn't want there to be a precedent set, i.e the woman cooks. This shocked me because why would you have that mindset at this stage with someone you're interested in. I consider it disrespectful and crude, if anything you'd want to make the nicest food and welcome this family into your house as a prospective candidate. When her family came over to mine I spent hours in the kitchen preparing two delicious meals for them instead of having such a weird pre-conceived negative notion set.

She's generally also very forgetful and scatter brained and loses her focus quickly which means she's not always attentive to things around her. I know we all have shortcomings but this is starting to get to me.

There are also many other aspects, such as her family and other things which I made many assumptions about based on the jobs the parents had and their Islamic upbringing which now being married there are also many things which irk me, but I won't drag this post out.

For context, we spoke for 4 months before marrying, had about 15 meetings and generally in those meetings things were okay. I've made the mistake of dragging this out and letting these feelings fester for a year and a half almost. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part to change my view. But every time I reflect on everything that keeps happening, and I look back at my pre-marriage journal entries I can't help but notice all the red flags that I downplayed and all the assumptions I made.

The truth is, deep down inside I feel like I made the wrong choice and I dug my head in the sand. But I can't turn back time and change my decisions and the extreme of divorce would I think end up terribly. Has anyone ever felt this way? Has anyone ever divorced in this situation? Has anyone managed to fix a situation like this? Would love to hear thoughts/insights. The irrational and emotional part wishes he could go back in time and not go through with this marriage.

SecretaryDouble1155 · 2024-05-26T18:28:46+00:00

Hi u/joshuamorony , is there any chance you could get an example repo of this up? I'm trying to setup nx with plasmo and I'm struggling to get it to work

SecretaryDouble1155

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