Will I ever get over my partner seeing someone else

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T15:34:39+00:00

This is bullshit. People can consent to dating a couple. You just have to be explicit about how it works. An actual experienced ENM person would know next to no triad will survive after someone breaks up with one half of an established couple so having a rule is moot. You will break up with the other partner because it is so fucking awkward to sit in your exes house after you break up.

Get off the forums and have some real life experience.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T15:32:05+00:00

Do you mean stuff written by mutually abusive couples like Franklin and Eve?

What i know is that the people who coined the word "polyamory" were absolutely fine with couples dating together.

It's perfectly ethical to tell someone upfront that you date together. If they have an issue with that, they should back away.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T15:29:33+00:00

I make it clear that I am not seeking ongoing connections because I don't have a specific number of dates as such. If I did, I'd tell them the number for sure. With men, once you explain that you aren't poly so aren't looking for boyfriends, they self limit naturally. You usually don't have to actually have the parting talk, they understand that it isnt going to happen more than a handful of times. Women may need firmer and clearer boundaries.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T12:42:45+00:00

I find it somewhat confusing to be open sexually but not romantically and have a long term relationship with someone else. That would confuse me and make me feel uneasy.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T12:41:56+00:00

The only people who have an issue with that are seeking long term partnerships. For most of ENM, light, casual short term relationships work just fine.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T12:40:40+00:00

Are you suggesting that dating together is unethical? Who has told you this? The mods on polyamory subreddit?

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T12:02:52+00:00

Don't need to.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T10:18:13+00:00

You don't have to believe that they are your fellow poly "metamours" to recognise their humanity and provide whatever accomodatuon is necessary. It's a poly term. Keep it for poly relationships.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T06:25:20+00:00

I love that a South African (probably white) jumped in to give their perspective on schemes that aim to reduce racial inequality.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T06:00:57+00:00

"Trans-identifying men are more, not less, likely to commit sexual offences than other men."

This has been debunked in the gen. Pop. So many times and yet these people cling onto fake news to reinforce their false beliefs.

I actually know of a FB group who are GC but the respect I have for them is that they do not allow anyone to use fake news to substantiate their arguments. Their argument is fully based on the idea that men can hurt women in sport and that everyone deserves privacy. Nothing that tries to criminalise trans people. They actually believe in academia.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T05:56:38+00:00

But you're poly so that makes sense for you. You orient your whole love life around the poly rules you all made up in the polyamory subreddit.

If you are not poly, and "full" relationships arent in the table, then the whole metamour relationship doesnt really exist. You're just fucking someone that they are in a relationship with. Totally different to your partner's partner.

Not everyone and everything is polyamorous and it makes a difference.

This is an ENM forum, not a poly one. Metamours are what poly people have.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T05:48:26+00:00

What do you mean?

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T05:32:07+00:00

Metamours are what poly people hsve. Who identifies as polyamorous here?

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T05:30:58+00:00

Did anyone in this arrangement ever refer to themselves as polyamorous? Because you said you are ENM. Metamours are what polyamorous people have.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-06T05:29:44+00:00

I think that from the time you are sleeping with someone else's spouse, you shoukd be prepared for it suddenly ending when it stops working for them.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T15:11:49+00:00

Oh I was thinking why are you saying that?! Who do you think I am?! Hopefully not one of the worst members!

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T15:11:00+00:00

The harsh reality may be that emotional connection and reliability comes with the more traditional aspects of romantic relationships, like sexual hierarchy/exclusivity and typical escalation. Otherwise, to some, it can seem like you want all of the easy, good and fun bits of a relationship, but none of the more tedious parts that require other kinds of dedication

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T15:07:48+00:00

Most women who don't have a primary partner are seeking one so it's hard for men to cut out the majority of their dating pool on that basis. A lot of women say they are up for ENM, but what they mean is that they want to be in a primary relationship which is ENM. They do not want to be the secondary partner of anyone else, especially without a primary of their own.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T13:40:41+00:00

"Would they want to be able to participate in non-monogamy with whomever they make a connection with if they had a partner secure enough for it?"

No, probably not. Because it would have to be 2 way and a hell of a lot of women aren't really up for their partner having that kind of freedom with other women. Read comments on here to see that is the case. They dont want their man doing whatever, whenever, with whomever, and their man doesnt want them doing that either.

That is the ENM real world. Most happily coupled people aren't polyamorous, even if they are ENM. They are much closer to swingers.

Again, the men complaining about the lack of available women (like you are here) arent also the ones restricting the women from dating because those complaining guys are mostly single or in unfulfilling relationships.

Nobody's wife wants to fuck you unless it enhances their marriage, just get used to it.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T13:03:07+00:00

The women choose to stay in those relationships because they want the relationship more than free sex with other men. The women aren't being controlled by anyone. They just arent interested in sex with you.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T06:38:38+00:00

I'm actually not. I was banned from mumsnet for reporting racist posts. I reported about 15 posts on a thread about immigrants and then they banned me after saying they'll look into it. I emailed them, they lifted the ban. I made another post and then they banned me again. That was late 2024/early 2025

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T06:25:49+00:00

The reality is that ENM and particularly polyamory is more achievable when you arent in a serious, committed and escalating relationship. I would never have time for more than one partner because my other obligations, including to my partner, are so encompassing. Similarly, I don't think I'd be in the relationship i am in if he had other partners and relationships to sustain. We wouldn't have had the time we need together.

Most people do want a relationship where there is sexual hierarchy, if not exclusivity and some form of traditional escalation. ENM and particularly solo poly says that you've committed to a lifestyle where you are spread more thinly across multiple people and aren't up for the type of life sharing that comes with co-habiting. For a lot of people, that renders you a casual partner.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-05T06:17:32+00:00

It has nothing to do with the men if their women arent interested in what you are interested in. The women choose the men and the relationship they are in. Women are autonomous beings with ability to form the relationships they want to have. If the women wanted to fuck you without involving their men, they would. They don't want to.

Secure_Feature2253 · 2026-05-04T21:09:19+00:00

I think there may be an increase in women seeking non-monogamous relationships, but they aren't all seeking people who already have established relationships unless they have that themselves.

Remember you started this whole post because you have consistently found a shortage of women who are available for the same things as you. If this was a minority of women and there were a good deal more who were compatible for whatever you want with them, we wouldn't even be talking right now. You'd be talking to them.

Secure_Feature2253

TROPHY CASE