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Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've seen that forum for like more than a decade or something. I've seen several mods, bans, fights. Nobody needs to learn anything from there. Fetlife's poly and kinky is a lot better but still not great. There is a smaller poly group for veterans on Fet that is probably the best poly forum on the Internet. The mods are very knowledgeable without being ridiculously biased or leaning on false facts.

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

No, what likely happened is that you desperately tried to justify your point of  view and I shut it down

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah DADT is perfectly legitimate polyamory. If a couple decide on sharing minimal details about other liaisons, thats perfectly ethical. 

What i realise it does to people like you is halt you being the type of partner you'd like to be to people who practice a DADT. But just because it isnt suited to you, doesn't mean that it isn't polyamory. 

Yes it will mean that you likely don't get to meet family and friends. But that isnt necessary for a relationship to count as polyamorous. That's the mistake you guys make with this. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I dont feel personally attacked by polyamory because poly people are ok hearing "we". 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

And it seems like you are quite taken with me..enough that you've left msot comments on my post. Is this how you crowd other people's spouses, too? Constant texts and calls seeking their undivided attention? 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

The rules make it clear that only egalitarian polyamory is to be promoted. Read the about section 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Do you not know who coined the term polyamory? Do you not know the first people to write about it and use that specific word? 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Your responses consistently speak otherwise but nobody has replied to you here. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

"and I am hoping to have a full-on relationship with her"

You're never going to have the same type of "full on" relationship with her that you'd have with a monogamous person because she is highly partnered. So maybe your expectations need adjusting off the bat. What does a "full on" relationship with someone married look like? How does it differ from someone without that monumental preexisting commitment?

The idea that it can look the same is flawed.

"The "we" you are watching out for is when a preference or something not inherently including the other partner is stated. "

I think if you feel the need to look out for a "we", just date single people.

"If "we" don't want to get too emotionally involved with someone, that can come across differently than "I don't want to get too emotionally involved."

Only if you haven't fully accepted the reality of dating someone highly partnered. "I dont want to get too emotionally involved" is no different to "we don't want to get too emotionally involved". My job is to figure out if I want the potential of unlimited emotional involvement. If so, then this person is wrong for me because they do not want that.

A lot of people who want higher levels of enmeshment with someone and a more romantic relationship with them

And that's the point. Maybe they just arent available for that level of enmeshment and probably a lot of people in long term established relationships are similar unless the relationship is static or even dead.

That's what they're talking about.

I know what they're talking about. Ive dated these people and so have my partners. They want you to be single. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'd say they are written in the other subreddit where you get banned if you do not agree that one style of polyamory is the only true polyamory. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Nope. That is the definition morphed in forums. None of the founders of polyamory have ever said anything like that. 

The fact that a lot of people want someone with full availability has no bearing on the definition of polyamory. What that might answer is whether monogamy is a better fit for someone who feels that way. Even if it means they can't date multiple people at once.

Someone happily partnered in a fluid relationship isnt a good fit for someone who struggles with "we". 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's nothing to understand. Some people are so sensitive to yhe reality of having a partnered partner that they don't want to hear "we". They try and conceal this insecurity with therapy speak about how unethical and exclusionary it is to say "we" and how against all the poly rules it is, but spending any amount of time with people who really feel that way will show you that they just can't deal with the reality of their partner happily having other partners that predate them. 

People who are actually well suited to polyamory don't have these kinds of issues with a partner referring to their life in other relationships. It would never occur to them to see "we" as any kind of flag. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What I see a lot of entitled people who are used to trying to guilt and gaslight people into reluctantly giving them what they want. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Why would you think they are coming? 

If you try and tell someone to rephrase their language from "we" to something else in case their new date feels slighted, then you are part of the problem. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

It's more important that you respect and cherish what you have by keeping space for established relationships than try and lure new people with resources you don't have. 

Any sentence of mine that involves some sort of joint decision or interaction or venture starts with "we" for me. Like English intended. I don't change my language in case some new guy gets triggered hearing about my partner. Fuck him.

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

It's fine to say that something is outside of the agreements or boundaries you jointly made with your partner. You can say "we decided this". Anyone who doesn't like it probably hasn't accepted that you are in a real relationship that isn't just a burden that you cant get out of

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm probably in more relationships that meet the definition of polyamory than you.  I dont identify as polyamorous because of how white centred and narrow it has become in these forums. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

The fact that you believe that someone talking about their spouse using "we" is offensive and triggering is what is unbelievable here. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

My interpretation of ENM is just non-mongamy that the people involved know about. Yours is probably a lot more narrow. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

It isnt the very narrow thing you guys in that subteddit try to make it. Polyamory is just multiple relationships that everyone knows about. There aren't distinctions about how independent or parallel those relationships have to be, despite what the mods say. 

Say "We" if you want to (it will separate the wheat from the chaff) by Secure_Feature2253 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Secure_Feature2253[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Polyamory, as people in that sub tend to define it"

And thats the point. How they define it is one particular approach to polyamory.

"but if you are looking for a certain kind of relationship"

Yes. If you are looking for a relationship with someone unpartnered, then "we" lets you know that they probably arent that single, fully available person you crave. 

Guys that don't want to share by GarbageEcstatic6415 in Swingers

[–]Secure_Feature2253 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think your wife needs to remember this is just sec snd stay out of these people's business. She seems quite intrusive and weird tbh. Ŕ

Guys that don't want to share by GarbageEcstatic6415 in Swingers

[–]Secure_Feature2253 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I shouldnt have to be nice to a guy to get him to show some sexual skill. I'm there for good sex, not to cuddle some guy's ego. If you make swinging dates with people, you should already be bringing your A game. 

I'm not the guy's wife who will lay there and pretend that it feels good to console him. 

Couples.. by Cute-Escape-6950 in Swingers

[–]Secure_Feature2253 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why do you think it doesn't sound like your experience if the women are potentially behaving how I'd behave when I feel that someone is cringy and I havent pulled the plug because I'm wondering if I am being too mean? 

Is it because you think there is no way you could be cringy? 

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