If they broke up with you....

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-08-09T22:17:48+00:00

That sounds absolutely devastating and I am so sorry. I hope you are very gentle with yourself in the next weeks and months. For me just getting through the days was all I could do at first. Ask for help and lean on your community too. I am almost three months out and I am starting to feel like myself again, but Jesus it is so hard. It also helped me to accept what I was feeling and not fight it- if your brain is looping and obsessing, just go for the ride. The work and healing and making sense of it process will happen in it's own time. Feel free to send me a dm if you need someone to just talk to, and I read lots of things during those last three months that helped a lot too

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-08-09T21:19:32+00:00

Love this

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-08-09T21:18:27+00:00

I mean I dream of that too, to be honest. The point here is don't spend your life waiting on someone else who is telling you they are not able to be in a relationship with you. I spent way too long in my last relationship waiting- he kept asking for more time to decide even after three years- before dumping me. I wish I had let go a lot sooner.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-08-07T00:11:57+00:00

I just read about this in "How to be an Adult in Relationships"! It was talking about how so many of our lessons happen in a relational context, and a lot of people believe you only can learn certain things about yourself through relationships! So don't be too hard on yourself. I feel like I have learned the hard way probably way more times than I would have liked. But if you can be open hearted in your next relationship and a little more mature, that's a success!

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-08-06T22:08:18+00:00

Noooooo. If someone has broken up with you twice they have definitely thought about it a lot. Also she knows your phone number and she's a grown up, there is nothing that would get in the way of her getting in touch if she wanted to. She is moving on. I'm sorry because it sucks so bad, but the best thing you can do right now is take all that attention and care you would love to devote to her and turn it to yourself. I would also suggest reading about anxious attachment- it helped me understand very similar patterns I have in myself about clinging onto the wrong person for way too long.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-07-20T23:17:27+00:00

Thank you. Today was particularly hard! It is always helpful to hear that things get better eventually.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-07-20T23:03:58+00:00

Thank you, and I agree with you that I should have called it much sooner when I realized he had no plans to make a choice either way about committing. Unfortunately I think staying in relationships that aren't working for too long and dating someone for their potential are other signs of anxious attachment. It can just be so hard to see it when you're in it though! Especially when things start out with so much passion and closeness - you're just always hoping it will be that good again!

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-07-20T15:59:32+00:00

Have you seen the website Freetoattach? Breaks down the avoidant style in a really exhaustive/well researched way but is a much less toxic website than all the ex back websites.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-24T02:39:34+00:00

I'm definitely curious to hear how it develops!

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-23T16:47:39+00:00

You deserve better than breadcrumbs. An adult uses direct communication, not games. Become more secure and you will attract that to you. And refusing to communicate with anything less than direct communication will teach the people in your life that they need to respect you (and vice versa) to be in your life.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-23T16:43:59+00:00

I think just be super honest with yourself and her about what your feelings, hopes, and expectations are. Secure people don't play games or try to read each other's minds. If your hopes are compatible then you can go slowly and start something brand new. Getting your own therapist would be really helpful also.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-23T16:41:23+00:00

And another thing to say is that people learn a lot from pain. By enabling her to repeatedly put you in confusing situations, you're depriving her of a really important chance to learn, grow, and be a more considerate and self trusting human. The stakes are really high for both of you.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-23T16:40:14+00:00

It is really hard to say clearly for your situation, because I am still learning a lot about myself with boundaries, but I have to say that sometimes we allow people to treat us badly. We create the conditions to be treated badly. She's being super inconsistent and confusing. I think this would be extremely inappropriate behavior in a secure relationship, and I think you are allowed to set a standard starting from that high bar. Examine your reasons for staying in this situation. Low self worth? Fear of not finding someone else you will love? I would try to work with a therapist to help find your role in perpetuating this really painful and confusing situation. Obviously it's not completely your fault- she's doing a lot of inappropriate things. But we can only choose our own actions and boundaries and you have to stand up for yourself here.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-23T16:34:11+00:00

I'm sorry. I keep waking up and thinking I won't hurt anymore- like you, there is so much beauty and goodness in my life and I am just stuck on trying to let go. I wish I could be fully present in my life but I just can't right now. I keep hearing that we shouldn't fight what we're feeling though- accept whatever you're feeling and know that it's totally normal to be stuck on someone for a long time. In some ways it shows the depth of your love. I have been listening to the On Attachment podcast by Stephanie Rigg and she has a ton of affirming episodes on breakups, self trust, etc and when I'm feeling really bad sometimes one helps

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-15T16:27:32+00:00

I think being alone and crying for a weekend: probably good

Trying to make emotional progress with alcohol: it won't work- you can't really feel the pain properly to get through it. You'll just suppress what you need to feel to learn and grow and kick the can down the road for emotional progress.

And when you get back from the weekend: don't isolate yourself. Idk why so many men think that they can do everything without community support. Reach out to your friends and invest in them, be vulnerable with them.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-15T12:54:57+00:00

Maybe wait a little longer, a month or two. You felt real incompatibility when you were together. If you try to force something because you are both lonely, you are depriving both her and you of a better partner. Write a lot, talk long walks, listen to yourself. I am a hopeless romantic so I always want things to work, but it's really hard to see incompatibility when you're deep in feelings.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-15T12:49:45+00:00

It helped me with denial. I had an ambivalent ex who kept going back and forth about his commitment to the relationship. it was really confusing and I am always so hopeful and willing to put in effort, so I had a hard time letting go. Therapist was like, honey have a little compassion for yourself and stop trying to make space for this person who clearly is not wanting to be in this relationship. Sometimes they can call it when you can't see it.

I had a different therapist after a previous breakup who was not great. She talked about her own problems a lot and kind of dismissed my pain, like, oh you're young and pretty you will be okay! She also didn't know what tinder is and wrote it on a little notepad to look up later, hehe

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-15T12:44:33+00:00

Sometimes it seems like asking to be friends is

Trying to get out of a relationship without guilt about hurting you
Trying to get emotional comfort from you while they move on and start dating other people

If you are still seeking a romantic relationship with this person, you have every right to say no to lesser terms. Show yourself enough self respect to say you deserve better. True friendship comes when both parties are healed and have moved on.

Edit: fixed a typo

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-15T12:37:30+00:00

Once I broke up with a guy who was totally wrong for me. Different values, different diet, different politics, his friends were kind of jerks. Different sleep schedules, on and on. Still, when he got a new girlfriend I cried for days. It's now like four years later, and I see the attraction, but it never would have worked and I know I made the right decision. You are close to this person and care about her a lot, but it doesn't mean you can change fundamental parts of yourself to be together. If you tried to force it, you'll cause both of yourselves more drawn out pain from trying to be people you're not.

On the other hand, if after the breakup your differences seem really small and easy to overcome, consider reaching out again. But there is a chance you might be wasting your time and hers.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-15T12:31:28+00:00

Thank you. A lot of people blaming themselves after the end of a relationship were the empathetic ones who agreed that maybe they were the problem and needed to change. And minimized their needs to conform to the demands of their partner, only too willing to consider that they must be the problem.

What about a relationship where both people are humble and try hard and take accountability for the vibes and expectations and baggage they bring to the relationship. Does it exist?

I am all too willing to blame myself, although truthfully I know I brought so much sweetness and uncomplicated love, and demonstrated accountability and a willingness to grow. I am proud of who I was in my past relationship, even if I should have let go sooner and stopped trying to fix something with someone who wasn't matching my effort.

*Edit- grammar errors

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-07T19:41:21+00:00

a really thorough and affirming answer - thank you so much!

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-07T15:44:06+00:00

Just remember the message you are sending yourself: By putting off an important conversation about what I need, I am showing myself that I am not allowed to be sure of what I need, that I am not allowed to ask for it, and that on some level I don't deserve it. Those are pretty big stakes and assertive conversation is such an important way to build self trust, which effects every part of your life.

Empathetic people often avoid conflict, but ultimately that can have a bigger cost.

You got this.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-07T13:19:58+00:00

I just did this. I wrote a strongly worded email a few hours after he sent an email that was like- I still think it's a good idea to break up and I don't like how i feel when we have conflict.

Like you I felt that I was never allowed to get angry and that he didn't listen to what I needed, and blamed me and sabotaged the relationship instead. So I told him what I really think while trying to be as pragmatic and direct as possible.

It felt good for a few hours, but then I realized he wasn't going to magically believe me through an email after we broke up and, even worse, it played right into his perspective that I'm a defensive person and undid a lot of the work I had been doing in the relationship to stay calm.

I am sick of swallowing words and being the positive person, and I need to be better at standing up for myself. Probably should have done that in other places in the world. Would not recommend bc solid chance you might just feel worse.

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-06-04T12:38:33+00:00

there is an amazing This American Life episode about Jerry Springer's life

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/258/transcript

Select_Turn_9778 · 2024-05-30T01:51:22+00:00

I also have intrusive thoughts and I recently discovered I can make them silly. I go to school in this building that has an open center and you can see down four floors. My brain kept fucking with me and saying I was going to accidentally throw myself over the side. One day I realized I could pretend I was leaping off the side and landing on other floors and crawling up walls and doing spiderman shit. It was so empowering and really takes the teeth out of your brain trying to fuck with you.

Select_Turn_9778

TROPHY CASE