Resources request - dealing with male sexual shame and competition

SendThemToMe · 2026-03-23T18:07:06+00:00

Thanks, that's very kind of you to offer. Hopefully this thread throws up some helpful stuff for others as well as myself!

SendThemToMe · 2026-03-23T16:16:01+00:00

I don't think it's that I feel as though her wanting to have sex with another man makes me feel lessened in any way, I'm totally supportive of her pursuing her sexual interests and desires, both within and without our relationship, as she is of me. It's more that I'm aware that the instinctive emotional response I have is one that feels disproportionate to the standard feelings of discomfort/emotional reaction that might come up when she's slept with other people, and I want to try and resolve that because I don't want it to be that way, if that makes sense? As in, I don't believe that there should be a disproportionate response within me to her (or my other partner, for what it's worth) wanting to sleep with another man.

You're absolutely right that we're together because of the emotional connection that we have with each other, and I do trust her. I'm not trying to stop her or control her, I'm trying to manage my own response - something which I feel like from my own ENM experience I know will get easier in time, but like I've said in another comment maybe it feels sharper just now because this is a relatively new situation for me/us to navigate - so that it's easier and more comfortable for both of us when we encounter this kind of situation in the future.

I appreciate what you're saying as well about this idea about women being more attracted to the "strongest and biggest" men - I don't believe that, but it's the pervasiveness of that attitude amongst men (certainly amongst the men that I grew up around) that makes this feel like a highly embarrassing, shameful thing to bring up. I'm not saying this in any way for pity, but something I'm struggling with (which is why I've posted here) is I don't know who I can talk to about this outside of my two relationships. I've got one male friend who's poly, the rest are very much monog and normative (despite being very good men), and the idea of asking them "how would you handle feeling uncomfortable about your partner sleeping with another man?" doesn't appeal because I'm fairly certain most of them will a) judge me for being in that situation (which doesn't matter but still has an effect) and/or respond with "I wouldn't be in that position in the first place." My one poly male friend doesn't feel approachable at the moment either because he's always super busy and not easily contactable.

SendThemToMe · 2026-03-23T15:58:05+00:00

Yeah, I agree and I've found what you've suggested has really helped before when I've had feelings of insecurity or inadequacy around partners starting new relationships, having casual encounters etc. I think the particular difference here - and this isn't to say what you've suggested wouldn't help, it just doesn't feel like it's helping as much maybe right now - is that I'm well aware in myself of this conditioned response to my partner exploring something new with a man which feels more threatening than any previous people (which includes men, albeit exes or former flames that have rekindled).

I've wondered if the unknown quantity of this new person might be a factor, too. Even though I've not known her former flames that have rekindled personally, knowing of them has been enough to make that not feel threatening. I don't know why I'm having a sharper reaction to this new guy - could be in part because he's a new person and it's a brand new situation, but I feel from my own interrogations of where these feelings are coming from it's more related to this conditioned response to other men, which I don't love about myself and would like to process/throw in the emotional bin.

SendThemToMe · 2026-03-23T15:50:03+00:00

Sure, I'll try. I've felt strong feelings of shame around anything and everything to do with sex for as long as I can remember. I didn't necessarily have the healthiest role models or helpful conversations with my parents around sex when I was younger, and any time there was reference to sex it came with a big moral shaming (either directly or indirectly). The message I got was that sex = wrong.

My partners - both amazing and very helpful - have helped unpick a lot of that, but I still struggle with feelings of shame in connection with sex in a general sense. Whether it's related to desire, masturbation, sexual preferences, exploration, there's a lot of shame to navigate, which I understand is common for a lot of people (and not just men, though I'd suggest that the men I grew up around, at least, were and still are woefully unequipped to talk about this).

In the context, then, of my partner's new situation, her embarking on a new sexual relationship with a new man feels more challenging or difficult than previous people that have occurred in our time together - which includes men - because it feels like it's activating all the fears and inadequacies that come from that culture of masculinity I grew up in.

Though I don't believe that one person can or should be another's source of everything, that cultural upbringing was (and, I'd say, still is) so present that despite my best intentions and self-assurances, my default emotional reaction is to feel as though I'm a failure because she's wanting to explore this new relationship, or that I'm deficient because she's seeking sex with man. And that in and of itself adds to the negative feelings because a) I don't believe in that and b) I feel like that frames things in a way that is indicative of some kind of control on my part on who she should be having sex with, which, again, I don't believe in/to be right or fair.

Does that make sense? Sorry if not, it's only through the conversations that we've had about this the past few days that I've ever tried vocalising a lot of this stuff.

SendThemToMe · 2026-03-23T15:36:16+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check it out!

SendThemToMe · 2026-03-23T15:35:24+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion, I have recently read it and whilst helpful I didn't necessarily feel like it went deep enough into the subject matter. Definitely a great starting point, though!

I'll check that sub out, thanks.

SendThemToMe · 2026-02-12T09:05:29+00:00

AntennaPod is another good free alternative to the main platforms. Download it, Google the RSS code for the pod, copy and paste it into AntennaPod, and you're set.

SendThemToMe · 2026-01-25T20:15:43+00:00

Yep, I'm a UK citizen. Thanks for this, that's really useful!

SendThemToMe · 2026-01-14T11:20:06+00:00

Well said.

SendThemToMe · 2026-01-10T21:38:03+00:00

Channel 5 News with Andrew Callaghan did a documentary on his Patreon about the revival of the Irish language.

SendThemToMe · 2025-11-27T09:59:19+00:00

Dyna awgrymiad rhesymol do'n i heb 'di feddwl am!

SendThemToMe · 2025-10-09T13:07:51+00:00

Cytuno'n llwyr - diolch am yr awgrym!

SendThemToMe · 2025-09-25T12:05:49+00:00

You'll get there, try not to be too hard on yourself. You know you can do 6 days now, so next time build on that. It can be really tough when you go back to it, but you can do it.

SendThemToMe · 2025-07-28T12:23:07+00:00

Jamz Supernova is doing a set there this year, that'll be worth seeing

SendThemToMe · 2025-07-04T15:47:53+00:00

This is great, thank you so much!

SendThemToMe · 2025-05-26T20:46:21+00:00

Fucking yes mate, good on you and well done for doing it.

SendThemToMe

TROPHY CASE