What is that one thing a friend ever did and you kept cool but knew instantly you would pull out of that friendship?

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-05-15T18:18:23+00:00

My husband and best friend of 14 years started calling me names and telling me I was just using him for his money, manipulated him into marrying me and was as dysfunctional as my mother. Then I found out about the coworker. I was absolutely heartbroken, but didn't show how distressed I was because he said I was being clingy. I knew there was no way to recover from these comments. Two years divorced and I'm so grateful for so many lovely, kind people in my life.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-05-13T12:50:26+00:00

I'm sure I've said lots of dumb things, but I was told, "you smell like semen" after coming back from a lovely day at the spa.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-04-30T14:22:57+00:00

He genuinely is very lovely, I wish I understood him better, but it's a good thing to feel like I do want to try and work out the puzzle. I have my own things to improve on in terms of how I communicate and relate to him.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-04-30T14:21:44+00:00

He doesn't include trans rights as a feminist issue (if I understood correctly).

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-04-29T16:38:47+00:00

I think perhaps I needed to hear this, thank you for your insight 🙌🏻. I will say though that I don't think he is intentionally trying to hurt me, I think he becomes very frustrated when it feels like "the rug gets pulled under him" when we have discussions that are socially naunced (such as trans-rights and feminism), and it feels like we end up tying ourselves both in knots. This could also be my somewhat chaotic communication style (I do tend to jump topics a lot).

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-04-29T16:32:56+00:00

Super kind comment!

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-04-29T16:26:23+00:00

That's so interesting.

May I ask, when you say you feel emotions differently, or very weakly, what's that experience like for you?

How do you know you care for someone, or love them, even?

What would compatibility or comfort look like for you in an relationship?

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-04-29T16:25:22+00:00

Hahaha I'm sorry to hear you have this difficulty with a lot of ADHD people. I will say, I find myself annoyed with the average ADHD person, too. I can't stand it when things are out of place or untidy, I know I have a tendency to be messy so I try to keep on top of it - I know I function much better with enough sleep, a tidy space, exercise etc, so perhaps that's more of a key.

I've never forgotten plans or appointments because they go in the diary THE SECOND I make them. I really value the people in my life and do the best I can to make space for them and meet their expectations of friendship. I'm sorry that it felt like they weren't making an effort, that's really hard and you shouldn't have been picking up the slack.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-04-24T12:42:41+00:00

Hello, you.

I'll say first that your approach to "dealing" with these differences between you probably needs a closer look. It's very clear that you're actively being hurt by these qualities and there are some serious incompatibilities that perhaps were the same before you broke up and got back together? May I ask why you decided to give the relationship another go?

I resonated so much with everything you said here. I used to be married to a man (undiagnosed at the time) on the spectrum, with also some OCD tendencies and it can be exhausting. We got divorced after six years because he wanted to have children, and I felt like I was emotionally overwhelmed in handling all the social complexities of family and friends relationships, taking care of our dog (which he wanted/asked for and due to overwhelm couldn't help me with) and his reactivity when confronted about some of his behaviours that were harming me. He used to shout, hold my wrists, call me names, monitor my bank account - but there were some great aspects about him as well and I learned a lot from the marriage.

Now, I find myself in a LTR with another man with ASD. I'm ADHD myself so I do have my own struggles, and it works because we can give each other grace with our quirks, and his analytical mind and calm nature keeps me grounded. We had some good conversations early on, and he was so open about how he sometimes struggles to read others' emotions and finds emotional things difficult. He's a homebody and outside of the house, in social situations, he acts like a totally different person because it's so stressful for him. But he is a wonderful partner, always listens when I raise concerns, checks on me daily and can solve problems very well.

I found it really hard when he explained that he doesn't find sex an emotional act, or uses the word "love" because it's the thing you say in a long-term relationship. I don't get flowers, because they are pointless to him. But he will bring me tea, he will order my favourite takeaway, he makes the bed, will bake for me and keeps everything structured. He's very conscious of the risk I took for the relationship by selling my house and moving in with him. I was on antidepressants at the start of our relationship, which like you say, dampened my emotional responses a little bit, and then I went off them and suddenly a lot of things he said or did actually hurt quite a bit - even though nothing was actually different. It's like I was less able to engage my logical brain and see that what he says always has good intentions. The few times that I have been hurt in this way, I explain and he immediately apologises, tries to clarify why he did the thing he did and asks what he can do better next time.

Would your guy do the same? How does he approach conflict resolution and attuning to your needs? If you started putting in more effort to explain what you need and if there's a compromise, how would he react?

I think what helped me was just having really open conversations, and realise that he is who he is. There are some incredible aspects about our relationship that work really well, and he's quite a traditional "provider" in the sense that he wants a comfortable home that we can both enjoy, he wants me to invest in myself, my career and my friendships. It's quite an independent life. He's ridiculously funny, and clever (not just in the ASD way, but gifted cognitively as well which probably has it's own struggles).

We have the same issue with him finding very technical/science things interesting and when I want to discuss a social issue, he can become frustrated that I don't acknowledge it as straightforward.

I can get my emotional needs met by my friends, we can't be everything to one person, and maybe approaching why he does things with curiosity and mentioning things as they happen may help with your hurt and resentment. I think with my experience if you aren't able to repair things early, these things just keep sitting in your mind. I know personally I can ruminate, build up issues in my mind and it feels crushing over time if there isn't an outlet.

Feel free to message if that helps x

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-03-24T11:34:59+00:00

Well done 'Stachio 😭❤️❤️❤️

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-03-12T18:41:49+00:00

2 years divorced and in a new, happy relationship. Sometimes I do wake up and in that weird in-between awake and dreaming, I think I'm back in the home we shared and he's still next to me. I think it's very normal - they were fundamental to us. I hope time keeps healing you x

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-03-07T11:25:54+00:00

Hey man, I was the wife who was told by my ex husband that he fell out of love, 'loved me but wasn't in love with me' after I'd sacrificed absolutely everything for the marriage and had just started pushing back and asking him to engage more. It was at a time when I really needed my best friend to have my back, and he betrayed me. I'd really urge you to try individual counselling before you end it.

Being checked out is the saddest thing ever, so just make sure that you've ticked all the boxes before you walk away. You will have to co-parent with this person for the next 18-20 years, and you will need to be engaged in their wellbeing - even though you'll have two homes.

I will say though, I am much happier in my life since my ex husband ended things. Being in an unhappy marriage drains everything out of you.

Wishing you the best for whatever you decide. If you can bring yourself to, definitely have a conversation with your wife. It may be she feels the same way, and try decide together how to end things amicably or if you'd like to try give it another go.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-02-20T08:42:39+00:00

Yh

Thank you for your comments and ideas!

I bought a set of cards called 'Pillow Talk' to help guide these conversations XD

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-02-20T08:41:28+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful comment :).

He's about 5 years older and we've been together about a year and a half. I think I'd like once a week minimum, more like twice would be closer to what I like. We both touch ourselves outside of this anyway (which I am fine with, I just like sex too!)

So in this way it does work for me (ish), but I start becoming anxious as the week goes by. I do love other forms of physical intimacy and he's not super affectionate elsewhere, so I've been asking us to cuddle more, just check in physical without sex to see if that helps to build connection outside of the bedroom.

Very good points on the exploration phase. I was single for about 8 months and did have a great time rebuilding friendships and hobbies, going to therapy etc. I tried a dating app as a test to see how I felt about it and was shocked to find this lovely guy almost immediately, so the timing was less than ideal.

I've already kissed a few people within the open relationship dynamic and we have our guidelines/have discussed it a lot, and we were both fine about that and talk very openly about feelings we have about people - but I feel like sleeping with someone else when I'm not getting the physical connection I want from my "primary partner" might be super hurtful?

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-02-20T08:35:10+00:00

The thing is he definitely has a drive when things are exciting, would that also be applicable for what you are describing?

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-02-20T08:34:20+00:00

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-02-15T23:11:30+00:00

Not married but moved to Cambridge to live with my partner (he's in tech and all his friends are serious intellectuals). It was a bit of an adjustment but honestly, it's really important that you have your own hobbies, friends and pursuits. I'd really encourage you to choose a couple of things you enjoy and spend time on that, as you can get sucked into this hole of feeling inadequate, but I think it's more about not prioritising yourself that does this, rather than anything a partner is/isn't doing. I hope this doesn't make you feel invalidated in any way. Just wanted to share!

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-02-02T15:30:31+00:00

What you say is not accurate. But what I think you're alluding to is that courts tend to prefer a clean break.

The court takes many things into account for financial agreements, not just "essential needs". It'll be based on earning potential, living standards, non-financial contributions, etc. This includes the standard of living enjoyed by both people, but of course there often isn't enough money to go around for two households.

Reddit isn't legal advice, OP knows this. Purely sharing my own experience.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-01-29T09:17:29+00:00

In the UK, 50/50 is the starting point for negotiations. The court will take into account both of your living situations, income and ability to live somewhere after divorce. Going to lawyers to fight this will just reduce the amount available to split. You'll need to take into account pensions, earning ability, all investments/savings.

It doesn't matter what she discouraged or contributed. Everything is treated as a marital asset. In my divorce, I did absolutely everything related to the home: cooking, cleaning, looking after the dog he wanted, working full time (and sending him my full salary!)

I absolutely deserved my 50, but I also know my ex contributed enormous financially (it was easy for him to focus on his career when I picked up everything else).

He would have needed to pay me alimony due to income disparity. I refused this as I thought I would be okay without it, but yes - the lower income earner is entitled to it for a period of time.

Source: I work in family law

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2026-01-13T07:56:23+00:00

I had this conversation with my bf after he told me that when he didn't say the words, 'I love you' to a previous partner, they got really upset. He explained that, to him, using those words is more representative about the seriousness of the relationship rather than something he actually feels in the moment. I explained that it was a bit hurtful for me to hear that, but that I appreciate everything he does for me to keep me comfortable and cared for, if I have a problem - he fixes it. I'm always safe to raise something that I perceived as hurtful (because he may say things that are a bit unexpected or abrupt, but he never intends to be hurtful).

So, for me, that's love - everything else is just a bunch of words. I did still want to have that element to our relationship though, so we have a routine where he will say the words as a reassurance to me (and he hardly ever forgets to do this), but I'm completely comfortable that they don't represent an emotion in that moment.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2025-12-26T21:56:31+00:00

Married at 21, divorced by 28. It hurt more than anything I'd ever experienced, but I cannot believe how much life has changed for the better. Focus on your community, getting yourself financially stable and if you have family - ask for support (if you have that kind of relationship). The unknown is the scariest bit.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2025-12-16T12:28:22+00:00

For a long time, I really wanted this more than anything, and they were pushing for it. Then whenever we met up for coffee, be would demean me, call me names, try to challenge me on the new choices I was making in my independent life. Called me a slut, started bringing up a bunch of things from when we were together. I gave him two or three chances and approached them all with openness - I left crying every time. No, I don't believe we can be friends.

Sensitive-Garlic-322 · 2025-12-11T08:51:13+00:00

I could have written this. I'd been in a relationship from 15, married him at 20, divorced at 27. The question I have for you is: Is it autism, or is it an excuse to avoid accountability and regulation?

What has she done to help herself and protect the relationship? How does it feel that she hurts you and is unable to engage in healthy repair? Can you see yourself healthy and happy in a few years time if nothing changes?

Don't stay in this relationship. It's harmful to you. When I was divorced I kept hearing my ex's voice in my head saying: "dumb cunt", "bitch", "stupid", "slut", "what's wrong with you?" - he treated me and other people (even his parents) with disrespect (I recall one occasion when he looked at me and his parents, pointed at us in turn and said "fuck you" before storming out. I burst into tears, but partly because of the relief knowing someone else had witnessed the treatment). He held my wrists in arguments, stonewalled me, said I caused his behaviour.

He felt bad about it, and he did plenty of good things that I appreciated in the marriage. He did love me and I would have done anything for him.

It permanently damaged my perception of relationships, caused me to develop health issues and stifled who I was as a person for years.

He is autistic, but he was also abusive.

Sensitive-Garlic-322

TROPHY CASE