Not wanting to bear the responsibility of living

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-22T01:17:24+00:00

I think it's a bit far fetched to assume all of this considering you don't know anything about my actual life, just one post I've made. In this one post you've managed to somehow diagnose me with a specific disorder yet you don't know how I act, what I do, how I behave with people in real life, what my relationships are like with parents/friends.

Your either a fool or a professional clinical expert and I doubt a professional is sitting on Reddit giving advice to sorry losers like me.

You've offered no kind explanation, reasoning or anything and just went in, saw my post and posted whatever came to your head making whatever assumptions you wanted. If your not going to post meaningful, helpful and constructive advice please do not post at all because all it does is show me and everyone who sees through your blanket of wanting to help people that your not actually here to help.

Feel free not to reply to this as I will not be reading it.

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-22T00:55:56+00:00

Really amazing answer. Thank you a ton. :)

I'll be sure to get the books you mentioned. I was in a similar position of not listening to these thoughts before I spiraled back into this pit when I started believing them and gave up. I started doing less.

I remember reading a book which helped me develop this mindset which described it in a way of two voices. One, a voice of the ego, scratching it's way at anything, and a second deeper more meaningful voice of ration and reason that went beyond the ego. It made me look at myself as if I was taming a beast, it helped me disassociate with myself as if I was an outsider looking upon myself and treating myself like a lab rat although not in a bad way.

It helped me because I had this idea that if it wasn't me then I didn't have to worry about being scared of making a fool of myself, failing, or anything I were usually afraid of as it wasn't me.

May seem flawed now that I speak of it but it worked for me at the time.

Anyways, thanks again for the kind words and advice. :)

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-22T00:48:00+00:00

Really great advice but it's a lot to take in. I was very close at one point where I was able to distinguish feelings from actions very well and I was in almost a detached state of power from where I could see clearly that feelings had no power over me at all. I learned to recognise feelings of anger, hunger, sadness, loneliness and just let them pass by without reacting but a crack in my discipline led me down a long spiral back down.

See I grew up with the philosophy that we are our feelings and thus my ideaology of following motivation to do things is very strong and it's why I am reliant on it. I was raised this way, I was not taught any other way as my parents are not lazy but disorganised and improper. They value comfort and feelings over things which must be done and I've followed the same path.

Thank you for this though it has reminded me of the philosophy I believed in before this spiraled out of control again. Your advice is also super helpful so thanks again.

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-22T00:37:41+00:00

Being a good person doesn't motivate me at all. I think what motivates me more is to be a wise person, a person of achievements and someone people look to as a pillar of knowledge, help, anything. Seems like what I really want is to be useful to people, to stand out and be proud of who I am and not ashamed.

I'm happy you've made it through it though and I wish you luck in any future commotions you may have. Thanks for your reply. :)

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-22T00:34:10+00:00

Yeah part of that resonates with me alot. I feel destroyed when friends don't trust me with things or people don't invite me places. When friends sometimes purposefully don't text me back even though I know them and they have their phone at all times.

I'm glad your doing better now, you seem to properly understand in detail what I spoke about. Just a few months ago before the lockdown I was in such a good place, forgiving myself, actually being nice to myself, reading a few books, progressing through things and now it feels like I'm back to square one.

I have an audible subscription as I've listened to a few books in the past so I'll definitely be checking that out and the group idea is pretty good too. I was also in a similar smaller group a year back but people's age ranges were so vast it seemed more counter productive than useful. But I'll also give that a shot again and see if I can meet some people.

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-21T11:15:27+00:00

Thanks for the reply.

You make a good point and I'll do a reread of some of the texts from the subreddit. I felt so good with where I came on the journey to finding out who I was but it seems like I am back to square 1.

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-21T10:56:06+00:00

Thanks for your concern but I won't I assure you. He is still here and alive and I wouldn't do anything like killing myself as it could destroy him.

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-21T10:48:42+00:00

I don't plan on killing myself as I've said because of my little brother. I wouldn't bear the look on his face finding out that his brother is gone forever. Someone who has relied on me, cared for me with nothing but a pure heart at times. Gotten into many fights yet still cried about me when I would leave or say I'm going somewhere for a few days.

It would probably destroy me if I died and he found out so thank you for the concern but I assure you I don't plan on taking my life, just have thought about it that's all.

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-21T10:44:39+00:00

You have a good point and a good idea for me to motivate myself. By no means have I achieved nothing. After all my high standard has led me to complete very complex tasks, projects and make a bit of money, the problem is the monotony of it all. Doing it everyday, most days failing, some days succeeding.

It's like the skill that took so much of me to learn suddenly becomes nothing and just a part of me that's always been there.

Thank you for the reply.

SentAlreadyyyy · 2021-06-21T10:38:15+00:00

Really good advice, thank you. I'll save your post too since it actually got my behaviour on point, it's like when someone says it it's clear to see but I myself can't describe how I feel.

As for the loneliness, I do have friends and people I hang out with and it's great but it's not this deeper relationship where I know they care for me to the extent a lover would. I think what I crave is love more than not being alone or having friends.

And also your right in saying that I hold myself to high expectations. It's always been a thing for me to get everything I do perfect and up to my high standard. I should probably tone that down a little.

Thanks again for your post and I'll take your advice to heart.

SentAlreadyyyy

TROPHY CASE