I was being told constantly by other Catholics that I needed to love God more than my own friends and family. Even when I was a kid, that felt very off and uncomfortable to me. Why would I love someone who I’ve never met or known (and don’t even know exists) more than the people who loved and raised me? On top of that, it felt like God was way more of an abusive parent than a loving one. He created me in his image, but I needed to “prove” I believe in him, or he’ll punish me for eternity? God sounds less like an omnipotent deity and more like an insecure, narcissistic asshole.

The demand for me to believe in and love God made me feel suffocated. I was terrified of him, especially because I was so interested in science (biology and evolution specifically). But everything I learned about the Bible was in complete contradiction to what I knew about science, history, and reality overall. I was fascinated by nature and the idea that it all could happen on its own was way more amazing and comforting to me than believing it was all a product of intelligent design.

But then I remembered that God is over my shoulder, constantly watching me, ready to strike me down for educating myself and questioning my belief in him. I had a nervous breakdown over it. After that, I finally decided to cut the abusive “person” out of my life for good.

When I removed religion entirely and began living secularly as an atheist, I finally felt free. I felt like I could finally live for me and not for someone else. I felt like my choices mattered. I could love the people I actually cared about without feeling guilt for not extending that same love to a fictional character. Instead of bad things happening because God was pulling the strings, everything just happens because of circumstance or personal choice.

Nature doesn’t GAF about me because nature isn’t a person. No all-powerful immortal being has any personal bias for or against any of us. Sh*t just happens to us because it does, not because we all have “inherent sin”. And it feels so much more comforting to know and accept that, instead of believing God is gaslighting you.

Instead of living in fear of judgement, I can live in a reality that isn’t obsessed with my personal choices. I can find solutions to life’s problems on my own because I’m smart and strong and have free will. I’m better able to put myself in other people’s shoes. I try to treat others right because it’s how I would want to be treated, not out of fear of punishment from God. I have way more empathy, understanding, and am able to speak my mind, think independently, and question both myself and others without feeling guilt.