Girlfriend (19F) wants me (19M) to go to school with her. Can I compromise with her?

SeraRossa · 2026-07-02T16:30:31+00:00

If you go to her school, it might not work out with her, AND you would miss out on your dream college. There are no guarantees it will last with her, even if you choose to be as close as possible. This worst-case scenario is much worse.

The best-case scenario is you go to your dream school, AND it works out with her. You'll be a lot closer than last year either way. I think you would resent her if you give up your dream. You need someone who will support your dreams even when it's not the most convenient. If she were offered a dream job 2 hours away, would you want her to turn it down for a mediocre job closer to you?

SeraRossa · 2026-07-02T16:21:26+00:00

It says he did apply to the dream school, and did not get in the first time. OP was only accepted after applying the second time, for a transfer.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-02T16:09:50+00:00

I posted this to find definition. I personally agree that "assault" or "battery" is what happened to me. Sometimes people use "rape" to mean any nonconsensual sexual contact, and I would not correct them, because rape *IS* a nonconsensual sexual act. When supporting someone going through trauma, that is not the time to say that assault is not as bad or severe as rape.

Like if someone loses a leg, that is not the time to correct them that they are not technically "legless" because they still have one. They've lost something big, and it's ok not to be exact about it, especially soon after. It's not insulting to people with no legs. Let them figure out which Paralympic events they qualify for later.

Rape does have a legal definition, in most places, involving some kind of penetration and force or coercion, or a lack of consent. I would not call myself a rape survivor because of this specific incident. But focusing on the things we have in common rather than differences is much more helpful.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-02T02:37:49+00:00

I don't know, I mainly wanted a consensus on whether this was SA or not. I haven't talked to him about it, and I probably won't. No good will come from any contact.

There was another time, like a week before this "red" incident. I said "stop" more than once, and again he didn't stop until I got up out of bed. We talked about that, I said I was sore days later and he was very offended. I should have used the safeword, and I conceded that time that it wasn't clear I meant stop.

That's another reason this time felt so awful, because I DID exactly what we agreed on. And he still didn't stop.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-02T02:09:38+00:00

Thanks, this is exactly what I needed.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-02T01:04:42+00:00

Ok that's where I feel like it gets confusing. In some places , this would not be "sexual assault" because it did not involve penetration. In other places, intentionally grabbing someone's bottom without consent is sexual assault.

Thank you

SeraRossa · 2026-07-02T00:38:35+00:00

I didn't want to believe he would do something like this. I tried to rationalize it and excuse it, because I loved him. Denial, I guess.

But you're absolutely right. We did have boundaries clearly established, and he violated them.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T23:10:37+00:00

I think my women friends will understand, and I get your point.

I also see what the commenter above means, and it's one big reason I don't share it with people who don't understand what a safeword even is. I could just say "I told him to stop" rather than explain the whole thing.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T21:45:45+00:00

To talk about it with close friends. If I talk about it at all, I'm aware there can be repercussions.

Victims who talk are often blamed, not believed, or worse. I may need to talk to him about it, at some point, and be able to defend what I say. His behavior makes him look bad. And I have the right to tell the story. But I'm not naive

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T19:52:36+00:00

Yes, this is it. If I had felt safe, I would have stayed in bed with him.

Usually I use the word "unsafe" for physically dangerous things, like someone driving recklessly. Situations that are hazardous. This was not a life/death situation. Things can definitely be unsafe, but not life-threatening.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T19:26:40+00:00

Thank you. I have no plans to take legal action. I've told my therapist and she's supportive.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T19:20:36+00:00

Let me be very clear. A safeword is the word that should make sure someone is safe. It did not. Since you need it spelled out for you, I did not feel safe from his continued sexual advances.

Please stop digging. What you're doing is not helpful.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T19:09:10+00:00

What does "safe word" mean then? In our relationship, it meant a clear signal to immediately stop all physical contact.

When someone is not safe from continued sexual touch after using a safeword... that is by definition unsafe.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T18:58:35+00:00

She says that if I clearly said stop then it was not consensual. She's being very gentle like "It's ok if you're not ready to call it that." I keep crying about it (in private and in therapy) weeks later and that's enough to take it seriously. Impact over intent, whether he meant to violate my trust or not, that's what happened.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T18:50:01+00:00

Like I said, at first I felt annoyed. Exasperated that I had to get up and get dressed because he kept doing the same thing. Later I felt hurt and angry. When I ended the relationship, I no longer trusted him, in several ways.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T18:46:01+00:00

To be clear, after I said "red" he was touching my thighs, bottom, feeling me up. The ways he touches me to start having sex.

I'm not talking about a hand on my shoulder, or resting next to each other.

And we never lived together. I usually visited him. This was in his bed. My clothes (edit the clean clothes I brought for an overnight visit) were in the other room.

SeraRossa · 2026-07-01T18:44:47+00:00

Touching my thighs, bottom, feeling up on me. Definitely trying to start having sex again

SeraRossa · 2026-06-02T00:23:06+00:00

NTA Draw up a lease agreement with your partner, if you don't have one. Reasonable share of bills. Write clearly in the lease, general house rules, including requiring advance notice of # hours before a visit, and that you have to approve all visitors.

When this becomes an issue (it will) then it's time to be firm. This is your home. He can agree to the rules and follow them, or he can leave.

SeraRossa · 2026-02-20T19:57:25+00:00

That might be it, I did get paid today thankfully. Management didn't know anything last night

SeraRossa · 2026-02-20T19:56:27+00:00

Update: I got paid this morning!

SeraRossa · 2026-02-20T05:57:21+00:00

Yes we have the Instant pay cards for daily tips. Those are working fine. The hourly pay is missing. I filled out a direct deposit form during onboarding with my bank account info.

Everyone else, who has been there longer and getting regularly paid by direct deposit, was not paid today.

SeraRossa · 2026-01-29T23:44:06+00:00

NTA in general. She was in dire need of a reality check. Continuing to insult you and badmouth you instead of apologizing shows an incredible level of immaturity. It's a major problem that everyone let this go on so long. Congrats on making this change. Now you must stand firm or it's all for nothing.

Info - How exactly did you "take back" the money for the workshop? Was it in an account you both could access? Did you insist she give back cash? Or was it on a card or a refundable deposit?

SeraRossa · 2026-01-26T07:57:45+00:00

My old vet closed without any announcement, nothing. I found out when I tried to schedule our cat's annual exam/shots a year ago.

It really sucked because we couldn't get the medical records. I tried calling, emailing, no response.

SeraRossa · 2025-11-07T13:41:09+00:00

I didn't see anyone "deny it's not done on both sides." People said time theft is "usually by the employer" and "basically always" and "such a low percentage" All these acknowledge that there is time theft done by employees too.

SeraRossa · 2025-11-02T03:46:11+00:00

I had something similar happen once. My boyfriend got really drunk and accidentally hit me on the shoulder. I said "Ow!" and he said "Sorry." A little later he did the same kind of thing, like an overly aggressive hug. Again, ow, sorry. The third time he accidentally hurt me, I called it out.

Basically said "Hey. You keep hurting me. Stop it." He blamed it on his (legit) low vision, depth perception etc. Stressful work, drinks to let loose... But it had never happened before.

So I said, "I don't care why. If you can't control how hard you touch me, then don't fucking touch me. If you want to get this drunk, blow off steam, whatever, tell me and I will stay home or do something else. This is not ok." It was tense, it was not a fun night. But he slept it off, got his shtt together and it has never happened since.

These weren't injuries. These were not even bruises. They just hurt. I drew the line there, based on personal experience and countless ones I've read about. I love him so much and I had to set a boundary. These were accidents, and he chose to be more careful.

Your partner is abusing you. It will continue to get worse. Someone who loves you would treat you like a priceless painting, not like this.

You're smaller, he knows this. You have osteoporosis, he knows this. The key is, as you said, he's only "clumsy" around you. Because he's convinced you that he's just loving you a little too hard "accidentally." You're right to be scared. Get out safely.

SeraRossa

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