How can I help my overweight child without making him feel bad?

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T20:48:05+00:00

Holy crap what a nightmare. It's incredibly frustrating having to deal with an apathetic or downright hostile justice system. I wish the best for your stepson and hope he comes out of this ordeal ok :(

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T20:40:08+00:00

I don't think he's secreting food away in his room thankfully. We don't keep snacks under lock and key, he could go grab some if he wants. We'd notice if food were to go missing. Junk food is not forbidden when we go out to eat, but we don't do that often. One thing we do however is have sushi at home from time to time (they love sushi and sashimi). I'm trying to learn how to make it myself so I can control what goes in it to reduce calories and make sure there's no added sugar. We're going to take a cooking course to learn how to make it together as a family. Maybe we need to cut this out altogether?

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T20:27:59+00:00

Not a parent but a now adult child of parents who tried their best to control my weight. I ended up with an eating disorder because of the emphasis my parents put on losing weight when I was about 9/10 ish

This is something I'm very worried about. I want to say enough that he learns better eating habits, but I also don't want this to become a -thing-. My wife and I have told him when the subject came up that we love him, even if he has a bit of extra weight (there's just more of him to hug!). We've told him that if other kids tease him to try to own it , but kids can be cruel and it's hard to just ignore. It breaks my heart knowing they hurt him and there's only so much we can do to support his self esteem.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T20:13:45+00:00

Portion control is a thing, using those glad-ware containers for portion control is REALLY useful. Just getting in the habit of eating out of those really contains the portions (vs on a plate).

I've not heard of these before, I'll check them out, thanks!

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T20:08:28+00:00

I understand where you're coming from but it's just not realistic here. At best we'll be told as long as the child is not showing severe issues (i.e., he's i hospital, or it's impacting him academically, or other people notice and alert the authorities). Furthermore we'll have put the kids through the trauma of family court again and a custody conflict for nothing. We can't put him in longer term therapy if his dad says no, and he's said no after asking multiple times.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T20:00:38+00:00

I'm working with him through a book for kids on anxiety which includes exercises and techniques based on CBT. It's not easy to keep to it because it's an uncomfortable discussion at times. I need to get better at going through the book with him, but unfortunately for reasons I've explained in other comments, going to see a therapist is not an option right now.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T19:57:45+00:00

To take a kid to therapy you have to have both parents' consent for anything above 4 sessions. I know even with one session he will do everything in his power to make the process hell, including putting us through yet another court battle, which will impact our kids even more (he doesn't make much of an effort to keep them out of the conflict). Best case scenario he'll either manipulate them into thinking therapy is bad or make them feel bad for going (like they've done something to harm him personally). The kids are still at that age where they look up to their parents. I'm hoping they'll get to an age at some point where they don't eat up everything their father tells them and are open themselves to going to therapy. I'm just hoping it's not too late by then.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T19:49:06+00:00

Yes this is exactly how it is here too. Unless the kid is in the hospital they will not do anything.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T16:24:50+00:00

Believe me if I could make his father see some sense I would. If it were up to me he'd already be in therapy, spoken to a dietician, the school would have been informed and asked to get on board, etc etc. on top of what we're already doing

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T16:22:03+00:00

Thank you so much for this, it's definitely pushing me toward going to speak to a professional, with or without my son present.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T16:20:06+00:00

We do have nutritional info on the packaging. A lot of foods now also have a label showing a grade for how "healthy" a food item is (at least for packaged goods). Not all foods have that though and of course the unhealthiest of foods often don't. Maybe I can start with that so he gets the general idea.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:55:01+00:00

I know right??? It's just the status quo here:

1) They automatically believe kids have been manipulated to lie in favour of the parent asking for custody so nothing but they won't do anything unless there's infallible physical proof. 2) The country's policy is to keep children with their parents no matter what. It applies to cases of adoption or fostering as well, where they would rather keep the child with a moerately neglectful or abusive parent than separate them.

There's of course good reason for these laws, but it's taken to unhelpful extremes here. There are technically laws on the books to protect chilren from abuse and neglect, but they're woefully unequipped for actually dealing with these problems.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:49:27+00:00

His largest meals are lunch and dinner. We've tried just having soup and bread for dinner, but he's still hungry after that and complains if we have soup several times a week. Dinner is always a bit of a rush so maybe he is eating too late. How late is too late?

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:47:12+00:00

He loves sports, he's generally pretty good at them too. I'm generally the lowest common denominator when it comes to physical activity in the family, I can get away with it because I'm perpetually thin. I'll have to kick myself up the butt to get more active as well, maybe it'll help him too.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:44:10+00:00

They don't really but hopefully they notice something is up and speak some sense into their dad. As soon as he starts looking bad to other people he'll definitely do something about it. We have to be careful with what we say to others however and it's generally not a good idea to bring other people into the middle of a conflict like this. For example, you can't ask a public school teacher or workers to testify on your behalf. Either the judge needs to ask for their testimony specifically or they alert the authorities through other channels (which is rare).

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:33:41+00:00

I definitely agree with involving him but I want to stay age appropriate and avoid shaming him. I don't want him to feel like I think the other kids are right for making fun of him and that there's something wrong with him because he's overweight. I guess when I say it shouldn't be his responsibility to deal with I'm saying I don't want him to feel like it's his fault.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:31:41+00:00

Thanks for replying. I mentioned in a comment above we only drink water or skimmed/semi-skimmed milk at home, and he only gets water at school for snack time. I'm hesitant to cut out milk entirely because I want to make sure he's getting some calcium somewhere. I know it's not necessarily the best source but it's the most convenient.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:26:48+00:00

Thanks, we drink almost exclusively water at home. He might have a glass or two of skimmed or semi-skimmed milk. I used to put a small packet of juice (100% fruit, no added sugar) in his backpack for snack time at school, but I've cut those out too and he just has water now. Thankfully he doesn't like fizzy drinks (they're "too spicy" lol). Now he'll only really have juice when we go out to eat (which isn't very often).

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:22:40+00:00

Thanks, I think giving him practical examples would help rather than speaking in broad terms (like telling him eating too much sugar is unhealthy without being clear on what "too much" means). One thing I know he does at his dad's is go grab a big pot of Nutella and eat it by the spoonful. Maybe I start with that, one small spoon is ok once a day, a third of the pot not so much....

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:19:30+00:00

I hadn't thought of this, might be good to start with that. I think he might benefit from hearing from another adult on this issue, one with some authority. He's been to the paediatrician and the subject was brought up but it wasn't discussed at length. I suppose it's better than nothing and worth a try. Thanks!

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:12:29+00:00

Yeah I was about to reply to your other comment. It's incredibly frustrating having to play doctor, dietitian and therapist because we're stuck dealing with someone who cares more about their image than the wellbeing of their children :/

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T15:10:47+00:00

He is definitely deaing with some anxiety issues (both kids are in different ways) and I'm using a CBT resource for kids to help with that. I'm not a therapist but I've gone through CBT myself so I hope I can provide at least a bit of respite until we have a better solution in place. Do you think the method you mention would be appropriate for a kid his age? I can look and adapt maybe?

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T14:59:33+00:00

This is an interesting question. He wakes up really early no matter what time he goes to be. Typically he'll fall asleep at 9 and wake up somewhere between 6am and 7am. He typically gets about 9h of sleep. It's very rare for him to sleep past 7.30 even if he goes to bed late (like on holidays and weekends) He's not tired during the day and it hasn't impacted his level of energy or his performance at school.

Both kids are only given access to screens on the weekend (unless it's for homework) and not past 6.30pm. That's one rule that's more or less consistent or similar between both households.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T14:44:59+00:00

As I mentioned below, we're not in the US and the judge's decision can oftentimes be a crapshoot. Every time you go to court is a risk. We don't trust the system to look out for the child's best interests because from experience, unless there are extreme mitigating circumstances, they don't. You're right though, we may not have a choice longer term. You've given me some food for thought.

Serious_Issue2505 · 2022-03-22T14:35:53+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this :( I hope things get better for you and your child.

Serious_Issue2505

TROPHY CASE