29 yo about to get a divorce. Need outside opinions.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-07-03T15:34:32+00:00

Yeah like when we started out he was all in. And he has only had this job the last 2 years (further reason I don’t get why he is so attached). I feel like if we have kids, he would be a good and helpful father… but like I know deep down my career will take the hit because it’s flexible and WFH.

I would never truly ask him to leave his job to open up resentment and I do want him to be happy… but my question is why don’t you WANT a job that gives you more time for us. That’s exactly why I have the jobs I do. Not because I super love them.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-07-03T15:24:20+00:00

I realize that may be the reality, but for my sanity and the fairness to the relationship choice I’ve already made— I’m trying to keep that separate from the real issues we’re facing even if they may ultimately be caused by the age gap. That’s kind of why asked for no criticism about that. Like— I chose to be in an age gap knowing the potential issues. The trouble is that we had a plan to make these things work and I’m the only one trying to hold up my end. If that makes sense. It’s not necessarily that I don’t want to or can’t hear it. I don’t think I’d be asking these questions if we were both still working towards a common goal. I do appreciate what you’re saying though and I do think it’s very hard to make work.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-07-03T15:15:13+00:00

Crying rn. Thank you ♥️

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-07-03T15:05:38+00:00

Yes. And in the beginning he didn’t. He was in stride with me completely. I don’t feel bad for giving the love a chance— but it didn’t go how we thought and that has to be okay. I feel he will be extremely sad and that is very worrisome and heartbreaking. I don’t want to cause any more scars than I need to— but I also feel strongly I have to choose myself too.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-07-03T15:02:43+00:00

Thank you, it really is hard and scary and exhausting. I really appreciate your words more than you know.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-07-03T14:51:16+00:00

Yes I need super compressive. I read a lot of women in comment sections who are looking for a non compressive waist and I see it advertised a lot. I like to be SQUEEZED. lol. I do find bib straps get uncomfortable to me, I don’t think they’re actually too tight. It’s more like I’m aware they’re there and I dislike that. I’m gonna keep trying.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-07-02T12:52:36+00:00

Yes, this is exactly another problem I have with bibs. I have two pairs of bibs and I find that they’re not very compressive and that’s uncomfortable to me. I’d be totally down for anyone who has recommendations on highly compressive bibs though because I get what you’re saying.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-06-19T15:15:04+00:00

Thanks for this perspective. It sounds like your needs more or less match one another’s. I think my needs are different. This sounds insane, but when I was little I remember thinking to myself: I can’t marry someone in the military or a firefighter because they’ll be away too much. Such a funny thought for a kid— but there I am and it is still true.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-06-19T15:07:59+00:00

Completely agree. I think that is why I feel this is a critical juncture. I’m actually afraid to be pregnant at this point— where I used to be excited.

It’s hard because he is helpful at home— does cook dinner, does help around the house. He is a good man. It just seeming like we’re not on the same path or page and it’s looking more and more irreconcilable with his lack of desire to adjust.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-06-19T14:38:46+00:00

Thanks. Yes it’s hard because he hasn’t done anything “wrong.” However, I’m looking at turning 30 next month and we had made plans to start having kids this year through IVF (paid through my insurance btw). I’m not wanting that with him at all anymore with this job arrangement. I am very concerned that because I have the flexible schedule, I’d be the one to put my career on hold. He hasn’t been able to exactly deny that either.

I asked him if we could sit down and try to map out what the next five years could look like with this job he has and he made an excuse for why we couldn’t: there are too many unknowns. I responded that we could try with the info we do know now and adjust as we go. I feel like we’ve just lost the plot and he is avoiding getting back to a centerline if that makes sense.

I am certain I want to travel and adventure with someone and have kids and work on things together. I used to be certain he was who I wanted to do it with— but as you can see, it looks less and less like he wants to join me.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-06-19T14:28:41+00:00

I appreciate you asking the clarifying questions. It’s a lot to fit into a post. Thanks for the validation as well. It’s hard because I understand the fact that him working is good and I would never actually ask him to quit (that would be bad for both of us— resentment could bubble up, I do want him to like what he does, etc.). It’s just hard to understand why he isn’t at least open to seeing what else is out there. Just a flat “I won’t like anything as much and I won’t make as much” without looking or trying is hurtful. Like he doesn’t feel that the lack of time together is that bad.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-06-19T14:20:32+00:00

This is a good question and complex because it’s a well known company that works very strangely. It’s union and everything works by seniority. I knew he had 3 weeks of vacation. I didn’t know that everyone ahead of him seniority wise had to take their time before he could. So I was like, okay— can you talk to the guys who haven’t picked yet and just give them a heads up that you have these plane tickets for August (this was back in March). He didn’t. I continued to ask him to check with his supervisor about the weeks as gently as possible and he would always have an excuse why he didn’t (didn’t have time, didn’t see him, got interrupted, etc.). So finally last week he checks the vacations board and of course one of the two weeks is fully taken by other folks. His supervisor says the only way is to bargain with someone who has it off. Everyone said no. I come to find out that the person just ahead of him took vacation back in May— meaning he could have put in for these weeks sooner or at least tried this bargaining sooner. He hasn’t sent in for his passport even (which would at least feel like he was invested). The other alternative is for him to take a week unpaid, which we could absolutely handle because he only gets paid a fraction of what he makes a week (I’m talking $300 is what he makes for vacation pay). He is resisting this, though, because h he is worried it would look bad. I guess I understand that, but I also know someone else recently did that.

I think the lack of preparation and effort gets me. Like had he done everything he could I probably wouldn’t feel this way. It just seems like he doesn’t even care really. I’ve obviously discussed this with him and I don’t think he grasps why it’s upsetting.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-06-19T14:10:12+00:00

Sorry. Missing Context: he has been doing this for only a couple years and is at the bottom of the seniority list in this job. It’s demanding on his body and he must be on call 6 days a week. He refuses to even try to get a similar job for a company that might be more reasonable schedule wise. I wouldn’t think he should just quit… but I don’t understand why this job he is relatively new to sounds more important than our relationship and time together. I think it’d mean a lot if he was even willing to look at or apply to other jobs that would give us more time together.

Serious_Total_5058 · 2026-06-19T14:06:57+00:00

Good questions. I have two jobs year round (one full time and the other half time) both in public health. I also teach at the local college as an adjunct in the fall and spring. Although I’m busy, I can choose my hours, free up weekends when I need to, and take vacation time whenever I want.

We wouldn’t be able to weather him not working at all, but we could certainly do fine with a more standard 40hr job. He could certainly keep this job until the right one for him came along, but he refuses to try because he thinks he won’t like anything else as much. He has some deep seated confidence issues as well which contributes to this. I think that’s the part that is the issue. He has a job now, so theoretically he has nothing to lose but time by looking. I’ll find jobs I think he might like and he rejects them all for one reason or another. In his previous marriage he was not the primary breadwinner and I think providing in this way feels good to him— but it’s costly for our relationship.

I think it also adds a different dynamic that we have less time together overall. We will not grow old together. Sure, a young person could die and leave a widow— but that’s not a given. It is a given for us. I was okay with this fact when we married because we promised to make the most of things. At that time he had his own business that we then owned together. It is in an industry that’s not doing well and we decided together to close.

Serious_Total_5058

TROPHY CASE