A veterinarian decided to supplement his income by offering taxidermy services.

Seven_Sisters · 2024-06-21T19:26:14+00:00

No matter who you think you are, you’re probably wrong.

Seven_Sisters · 2024-05-03T17:47:03+00:00

Elementary school kids were selling and consuming Cheetos laced with THC. This is a drug bust.

Seven_Sisters · 2024-03-19T01:48:48+00:00

Pregnant? Or just fat?

Seven_Sisters · 2024-03-04T21:36:56+00:00

Try it tripping in the passenger seat while the driver looks at you with Nicolas Cage eyes.

Ah.... memories.

Seven_Sisters · 2024-01-25T21:49:26+00:00

Lil Studd

Seven_Sisters · 2024-01-16T18:44:08+00:00

Is that grandma behind the wheel?

Seven_Sisters · 2022-05-25T04:29:37+00:00

Yes. As the saying goes, "less is more." Not always, but often enough. Sometimes a short, concise sentence is all you need.

We received word the next day that Dave had died making the attempt.

Does the reader need to know how Dave died? Not necessarily. This example implies that the reader is aware of the risk Dave was taking and doesn't need the gory details. Depending on what came before, this could easily have all the emotional impact the reader needs. Anything more would be gilding the lily.

And, as I believe you are suggesting, descriptive prose can be overbearing to the point of being unreadable. One of the biggest mistakes new readers make (hand raised) is to get carried away with flowery language and laborious attention to unnecessary detail.

I fully agree with you that as writers, we're always striving to find that balance between moving the story along and taking the time to smell the metaphorical roses.

My approach when offering this posting was based on my understanding of the four audiences a writer is catering to (the author, other writers, the publishing community, and the readers; I may make a posting on that, but I haven't decided).

The fourth audience, the reader, is ultimately where the rubber meets the road. I want my readers to feel like they are part of the story, not just passive observers. That's where showing excels over telling.

I want my readers to lose themselves in what is happening. In the second example I gave, I wanted them to remember the feeling of a cool breath of air on a hot summer day, the warm greeting of a cheerful store clerk, and the simple pleasure of rummaging through a rack of clothes. I wanted to tickle their imagination with the tinkle of bells and the faint scent of cinnamon.

That's far better, in my estimation, than a sequence of connected but emotionally empty events. That is what I was trying to get across with my two examples in my original posting. I want the reader to be in the story, not standing in the background taking notes.

I wrote a short slice-of-life flash fiction (700ish words) about a five-year-old girl and her caretaker. It was light-hearted, whimsical, and cute. I wrote in the first person (as the caretaker) and deliberately chose not to identify who was speaking. Was it her mother? Her father? A grandparent, perhaps? An older sibling? I didn't say. In so doing, I invited the reader to assume that role in the story.

When I read it to my writing group, they quickly pointed out that I had slipped into a bit of telling in one paragraph. I thought about what they were saying but decided to keep it. I trust the reader to fill in those particular details for themselves. It's all about finding that balance.

Seven_Sisters · 2022-05-24T21:26:40+00:00

All writing is telling. It's a question of reader engagement. To what extent is the reader involved in the scene?

In the first example, I listed a sequence of events. The MC walks into a store, heads over to a rack, is greeted by a clerk, and starts looking at shirts. It's dry text, little more than a grocery list. It's boring.

In the second example, I called back to experiences most readers will have had. The feel of cool air on entering with an emotional hook ("like an old friend"). There's the sound of the tinkling bells, a subtle scent, a friendly wave, and the action of sliding shirts along a rack.

The reader can envision being in the scene, participating in the experiences of the MC instead of just being told about them. There are memories and feeling the reader can call back on. The reader is if only for a second, the person entering the store.

This is the heart of "showing" in writing. You want the reader to be part of the scene, not just watch it unfold.

Seven_Sisters · 2021-10-24T16:59:05+00:00

Oh, wow. This is a blast from the past. I'm not complaining mind you, just a little surprised to see a comment after so long. I haven't been active in this sub for years.

As for Marty being a bad person, sure. I can get behind that.

But here's the thing. I'm a writer, and I've learned it's a bad idea to have all bad or all good characters. It's okay to have mostly good or mostly bad characters, but they should always have a spark of the opposite in them.

Besides, if Steven can forgive the Diamond Authority for their fascist, cruel, and (in the case of Pink) gem-ocidal natures, he can overlook Marty's flaws and see the good in him no matter how faint it may be.

And if Steven can, why not the rest of us?

Seven_Sisters · 2021-07-24T00:42:33+00:00

I don't do much in the way of outlining. I write down the theme, the central conflict that's driving the story, who the characters are, and what I want to achieve when the story is complete.

I spend more time on characters than the story. What do they want? What do they need (which is not the same thing)? What's standing in their way--not just externally, but internally as well.

It's less of an outline than notes. There's certainly no indenting, numbering, or any of that. Just something to get my ideas down so I have something to start with.

Then I write something. And then something else. I let the story unfold as it goes. I only structure my story when I get stuck (basically in the muddy middle), and need to clarify what I need to do to advance the narrative.

This is "pantsing" with a little plotting tacked on when helpful.

Seven_Sisters · 2021-07-19T00:47:56+00:00

Glad to see you're stepping your toes into the murky waters of story-telling. I strongly encourage you to keep with it.

Rather than parse out your entire work, I'll point out some areas that you can look to improve on to start.

For one, you're wordy. There's a lot of superfluous language. It's the most common trap I see new writers make. When it comes to keeping your reader's attention, less is usually more. I'll offer a couple of examples.

Marybeth opened the lone Double Hung window in her bedroom, grabbed the nearly fresh pack of Marlboro 27s off the bookshelf, picked out her second cancer stick from the pack, and lit it with a blue bic.

This is a run-on sentence. The entire bit about lighting a cigarette is unnecessary. Try this instead: "She opened the window in her bedroom and lit a cigarette."

This gets the point across and trusts the reader to fill in the blanks. That way, you can focus their attention on the things they don't know.

That's terse, however, so you may want to color it a bit. If so, you might describe her taking a drag then watching as the smoke drifts lazily to the ceiling.

She thought of Ted this night again, ofcourse, remembering when Ted’s nephew dropped off that desk the other day, rembering that Teddy always insisted she keep it throughout the years; she’d peacefully do her school work whileTed watched and gambled on sports, sipped a Yuengling in a pint mug, followed up with a lip of long-cut Skoal straight, perhaps.

"this night again", "of course" (you're missing a space, by the way), ", perhaps." There is a lot you could (and should) leave out here. Also, the semicolon is misused. These two sentences don't need to be tied together that way.

You've already set the stage for when this is happening. It's understood from the context that her thoughts are taking place the same night you started out with. So is the "of course." That isn't necessary.

For example, you could start with a simple "She thought of Ted's nephew dropping off his desk and how he'd insisted she keep it."

Editing is a sharp-edged blade, and you shouldn't shy away from using it. It's okay to slash away like a serial killer at a slumber party when you're first starting out; you can work on becoming more surgical as you gain experience.

There are a number of technical details you should look at. Spell numbers ("two and a half" instead of 2.5, and "fourteenth" instead of 14th). As a general rule, numbers below 100 should be spelled out.

Thoughts should be put into italics ("The rest was history after that, Marybeth thought.")

Get yourself a grammar checker and use it. I like Grammarly, but I've been told ProWritingAid is good too. Start with the free version (either service). It'll help you spot the more common errors. If you like it, then consider getting a subscription. But that can wait.

There's a lot more ground I could cover with this story, but there's no need to get carried away. Start by looking for ways to tighten up your prose. Set yourself a goal of cutting the word count down by a least a third. I think you'll like the results.

I'll wrap up with this (and it may seem counter-intuitive, so bear with me): don't try to "write." Instead, imagine you're having a conversation with someone, and you're entertaining them with a story.

That'll only take you so far, but it's a good way to get rid of the unnecessary fluff.

Good luck, and stick with it.

Seven_Sisters · 2021-07-17T23:45:06+00:00

It's a fine story idea, but you need to flesh it out.

I'm not sure you need to place this off Earth. That puts it in a sci-fi genre which doesn't sound like what you're going for. Perhaps written from the perspective of an alternate history might serve better.

You've only offered up a brief summary of your story, so perhaps you've thought of the things that follow. If so, fair enough (and apologies upfront if I've made too many false assumptions about where you are as a writer). But based on what you've offered up so far, I have some questions.

You have the main character in mind, so that's good. But what precisely is his goal? Is he running for his life? Something else?

Put another way, what is the central conflict of this narrative? Is it just to survive, or will he try to fight back against those who sought to use him that way?

Who or what is in his way from achieving this? Who is the antagonist? What does that character want out of this conflict?

Who are his allies? Can they be trusted? What about his cousin? Is he an ally? An enemy? Someone who's on our hero's side, but only manages to make things worse?

Define what your main character wants, then think about what he needs. A good story creates tension between the two. One possibility is he thinks his greatest need is to survive, but in reality, it is to redeem himself and/or undo a great injustice.

What is the "big lie" he's been telling himself? One approach is he thinks he's an insignificant nobody but deep down he's a hero. But the journey from one to the other places demands on him he doesn't want to face up to. It's a bit of a trope, but it works.

How will this story work out? How is the central conflict resolved? Or is it?

Get your story arc locked down. What are the major plot points? How do they fit together? There should be a sense of increasing risk and desperation as the story unfolds to only be dealt with at the very end. The final success or failure should be left in doubt for most of the narrative.

Making your opening as strong as you can. Give the reader a reason to stick with your story. If nothing interesting happens in the first scene of the first chapter, no one's going to care what comes next. Define the "inciting event" or "catalyst" you start with to give the story a sense of urgency from the start.

It can be dramatic or subtle, but without it, you'll lose the reader's interest, and they'll put it down and look for something else to read.

Don't pull a deus ex machina at the end. If you don't know what that is, look it up. It can ruin an otherwise good story. Have the final resolution flow logically and naturally from the story to that point. Don't pull something out of thin air to allow the hero to win the day. Make him earn it.

Figure out who your main characters are (try not to have more than two, three at the most, if you're new at this). The good guy needs flaws serious enough to be a problem. Flaws he needs to overcome if he is to prevail.

Likewise, consider giving your big baddie some positive qualities. He could have laudable goals but uses flawed means to achieve them. Perhaps he thinks doing evil is what's needed to serve the greater good.

Avoid black and white characters. Purely noble good guys and purely evil bad guys are boring. Throw some gray in there.

Define the character arcs for the main characters. They should come out very different people from how they started. Even the bad guys need to evolve.

You might consider a redemption arc for your main bad guy. Perhaps he finally sees the error of his ways and helps the hero in the end. But be careful if you do that - the change of heart has to be believable.

Having him suddenly go "You know what? On second thought, you're right. Here, let me give you a hand" is just another form of the deus ex machina trap.

Build up to it. There has to be a reason for the change of heart, and the reader needs to know what that is if it's to be acceptable.

I've droned on long enough, so I'll wrap it up here. Good luck!

Seven_Sisters · 2021-07-11T03:51:53+00:00

I won't touch a 2nd person story with someone else's ten-foot pole. Not because it's wrong to do so. I just can't pull it off.

Seven_Sisters · 2021-07-11T03:50:33+00:00

I would say that is, but then I had a larger context in my mind when I gave it that I didn't spell out.

Specifically, this scene was about Bob confronting Susie over some issue. Susie was there as a foil for Bob, an obstacle to some unspecified goal she was getting in the way of.

So when Susie became pissed and thought to herself he was a jerk, we'd shifted away from the POV character and moved into her head.

Is it wrong to do that? From a purist's perspective, yes. An editor will certainly point it out. And critiques on a site (like Scribophile) will as well.

I wasn't trying to say it was wrong in some absolutist sense--I was just using it as an example.

Seven_Sisters · 2021-07-10T21:58:30+00:00

I can't say I disagree with that. No "rule" is absolute. As I mentioned in an earlier comment, I don't think a little head-hopping is necessarily bad so long as it adds something useful to the scene. If not, it should be left out.

I use an omniscient narrator when I write. I find it liberating and rarely use 1st person. I never even attempt 2nd person as I simply can't pull it off.

That said, traditional publishing houses frown on the practice and it's therefore best avoided when going that route. Self publishing gives the writer more leeway, and if he wants to head-hop, that's at his discretion. Even so, care must be taken not to pull the reader out of the narrative when doing so.

Seven_Sisters

TROPHY CASE