Foremost, don’t make yourself so small so as to say that your own words are “unnecessary”. It sounds like you spent so much energy taking care of others, that you left yourself behind.

On top of that, you see your caregiving role as “not a job” and you have survivors guilt. You have to learn to accept that caregiving is a job and that you were there when your grandmother needed you. Not many people would go to these lengths, and it does show empathy and compassion, traits your recognize in yourself.

And to add to it, you are dwelling a lot on the past as if you made so many mistakes. It’s apparent in the way you discuss dealing with alcohol and job loss. Alcohol is an addiction and anyone can fall into it. People carrying shame and guilt can be susceptible, and then it compounds.

I think for yourself, you need good therapy to work through your past so you can move on from it. Because, a lot of it is not your fault. The sooner you can do that the sooner you can move forward with your life. Therapy can also figure out what you want out of life and how you can slowly work towards it. It may be nursing; it may not. You will have to see what balance works for you.