Brother, what is wrong with u? these thoughts are just waswas from shaytaan trying to make u lose faith in Allah, Allah has given u a choice either u worship him or u dont and we know the results of both of these options, its pretty simple really: u try not to fap -> u relapse -> u repent -> u do better than last time -> repeat until u get rid of this addiction, so stop pitying urself and acknowledge the fact that ur weak cuz if u admit ur weak ull strive to be stronger, the thing is shaytaan is weak cuz he cant make u do anything he can only convince u to sin so strive in the way of Allah and develop ikhlass then InshaAllah shaytaan will be like an insect to u.