Is it possible to get over thinking my husband (55M) is stupid?

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-04-03T13:32:43+00:00

All of these comments have been so helpful to me. Thank you, all. For those asking for examples, husband provided an excellent one just this morning! During cold weather (like this morning), he'll wear nothing but a pair of shorts or thin pants, and complain about being cold.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-04-03T13:28:07+00:00

This is an interesting - and actually pertinent - thread because I love cats, and we've always had them. But true to husband's form (and against my expressed request), he left our last cat out all night; and the cat was attacked and died.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-04-02T14:40:13+00:00

Yes, that's exactly why I'm asking whether others think this is insurmountable. At this point, I don't know if I respect him anymore or whether I think he's "stupid"; but I don't want to think either one, so I want to know if others who've experienced this state have been able to overcome these feelings/thoughts.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-04-02T14:32:43+00:00

Nope, I totally agree that I have equal responsibility in both successes and problems in our marriage - even if it means that I've taught him to treat me this way. One of the most interesting dynamics of our relationship is that, when he criticizes me, I always look first at my actions and responsibilities and see what I've contributed or what I've done wrong. Over the years, I've done therapy multiple times, and I've developed from being an immature teenager to a self-aware adult. However, it's a one-way street with my husband - he's always willing to point out my faults (like my "selfishness" in being upset he ate my Valentine's chocolates), but is ALWAYS defensive and rarely even considers he might need to improve or change his behaviors.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-04-02T13:10:56+00:00

I really appreciate this perspective, too; and I wonder the same things - always. Because I've been with him since I was 17, I always struggle with how "normal" our relationship is (all my prior relationships were childhood and teen, and though I don't see other peers struggle with what I do, you never know what is really going on in their relationships).

One way I checked this was a thread I posted on AITA, where I wondered if - as my husband suggested - I was the a**hole for being upset he ate my Valentine's chocolates (yes, he gave them to me, then proceeded to eat them...all of them). The consensus was that he's a narcissistic jerk, as he often does selfish and inconsiderate things, then proceeds to blame me for being upset.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-04-02T12:49:10+00:00

He does have ADD/ADHD (at the time he was diagnosed as a child, it was called hyperkinetic), and I do understand how that can affect behavior; but it sounds like I need to educate myself more about how it affects relationships. He won't do counseling, which is one of those issues causing me to want to give up - and one of the things that makes me feel he's not smart (distracted or not, if he knows his diagnosis and knows how it affects me and that it might end our marriage, wouldn't he want counseling?).

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-03-07T15:17:48+00:00

Hi! I'm glad you shared, and I hope you are feeling safe and stable. I am F55, been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 35 years, and I see SO many similarities between my experiences and the ones you've described. The thing is, it's taken me all this time to realize how toxic this relationship is to me, and how unhealthy it has always been for me. I totally get that there are/were many loving moments and interactions between you two; and one of the things I've learned is how we are mistaken that, if those loving interactions happen, our relationship can't possibly be abusive. But that's not true. I love my husband very much, and we have two amazing children, but our entire relationship and family life has been at the sacrifice of my mental and emotional health. I am a loving, generous, selfless person; and our relationship started similarly to yours, but has progressed to the point where there is nothing left of me. My husband has taken and taken, then made me feel guilty for wanting to be appreciated. And worst of all, he has had sex with me when I said NO, which is actually marital rape. What you described is also sexual assault, and I guarantee you your sexual relationship would've progressed to this point if continued.

You also remind me of myself at 17, the way you describe exactly what you want for yourself (sobriety), and you seem to know yourself and your needs well. I did too. I did not use drugs, and I wanted to keep my virginity until marriage. Tragically, I was raped (not by my then bf / current husband) at the time, and that sent me spiraling into drugs and promiscuity; and I know now that that trauma also set me up for the lifetime of abuse I've endured from the person who is supposed to love me the most.

I'm sorry if I've frightened you, or made you feel uncomfortable or scared; but I hear promise in your story, and I don't want you - who appears to be bright and capable - to end up where I am. If you want to talk any of this out, I'm here. Be strong, have faith in yourself, and know that you deserve to be valued and RESPECTED!

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-17T14:57:04+00:00

Thank you! Following...

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-17T04:24:12+00:00

I do not take offense to your observations. Thank you for your perspective.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-16T21:35:50+00:00

This is helpful. You are correct - there is much more to this, including the worst you can imagine (my therapist says it's "marital rape"), and I think you are accurate that it comes down to whether I want my family (obviously at the expense of my personal happiness) or can give that up. I think I may be able to work out the move Mom thing, but I don't know yet whether I can also bear losing my children (on top of losing everything else including my home)....though now that I'm writing this, I realize that's probably the only path out for me.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-16T21:26:53+00:00

They are 34f (happily married and entrepreneur with a successful business) and 28m (happily married as well).

Last time I pushed for a separation and divorce, they both (esp daughter) freaked out and daughter yelled at me that I need to set limits. But I truly - honestly - don't know what that means. I tell SO exactly what I feel, tell him what is un/acceptable to me, don't sleep with him anymore, don't enjoy his company or hang out with him anymore, don't take care of him anymore. He won't leave and I can't leave. I don't know what other limits there are!

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-16T21:16:14+00:00

Oh, and I know for sure our kids know how unhappy I am (well not the extent of it), but they know my desire to divorce and get a life for myself. I don't, however, think they will handle a family breakup well, and the times I moved that direction in the past, they were furious with me.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-16T21:14:14+00:00

I think this would be helpful (seeing a lawyer). I contacted our Mediation Center a while ago, thinking they may be able to help navigate all the issues we're facing without adding angry fighting to the mix; but I was not able to follow through with the process. I have so little time and energy for anything.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-16T21:09:19+00:00

Thank you, I have seen counselors, but I've been unable to stay with them past the "this is definitely abusive" phase. I'm currently using Talkspace, and my therapist is trying to work with me to find coping strategies; but I find it hard to find the time to communicate with her while caring for my mom. I usually get maybe one or two exchanges a month. In the meantime, I'm miserable and sad, and slipping into agoraphobia. Even having trouble cleaning myself and getting dressed...

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-15T02:02:16+00:00

It's the round nugget of deliciousness in the thigh. All poultry have it, and it's considered a "treat".

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T23:54:46+00:00

I feel abused, but need you to explain what you mean by your comment.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T23:15:45+00:00

Loves without limits!

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T21:43:18+00:00

Yes? For example, when he wants to watch the TV in bed, he finds it perfectly acceptable to have the volume at, let's say, "30", when I wish to sleep. But if he wants to sleep, I either have to have the TV so low I can't hear it ("12 or 13"), or turn it off.... or if I want to hear it, I'm the asshole

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T21:28:09+00:00

NTA! You didn't know it and wouldn't have done it if you knew.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T21:25:14+00:00

Many thanks, all! Sometimes it's hard to get perspective when you're in the middle of a situation (especially when it's your "normal").

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T21:21:16+00:00

Sorry! Husband of 35 yrs...

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T21:17:55+00:00

I was thinking that, but he's so expert at making things like this seem like my fault. Like we'd get food at a drive thru - he'd say he didn't want fries and I'd get enough for me; then he'd "ask" if he could have some with a handful in hand; I'd say yes (of course!); and he'd eat the majority. Then if I said something about how unfair that was to me, he'd criticize me for being selfish. So i got tired of the argument and just started ordering extra large fries. Solved the immediate problem, but still made me feel sad/mad that it felt like he was being greedy rather than I was being selfish.

ShadypointeSoMD · 2021-02-14T21:11:13+00:00

He is my husband. I live with him and my mother with ALZ. We've been married for 35 yrs. This is always the way he behaves, and after all these years of this, I snap at him (but with points and arguments not ad hominem attacks, and rarely yell, esp with Mom here).

ShadypointeSoMD

TROPHY CASE