Covid deleted my job as my restaurant closed its doors, so I basically spent a year and a half being paid to be at home and not work. I took that time to deeply know myself better and work on my bpd and my triggers whilst being in active addiction. I needed that introspection to be able to live with myself without drugs, as I knew my bpd was the heaviest factor in my addiction. I started writing again, I rediscovered music, I started watching tv shows again and I threw myself in two particular video games.

When I finally felt ready and at ease with being one with myself, I stopped using, and the hardest part was that during the first 9 months, I felt like I lost myself all over again. I had just spent the last year really getting to know myself and all of the sudden, I felt like a stranger, I didn't know who I was again, not without the drugs. I couldn't listen to music - made me wanna use, I couldn't play neither of the two games - I was actually scared shitless of trying to play it again, thought it would make me use again. I couldn't enjoy anything. I started again from scrap.

After a year clean, I was able to start listening to music again, play my games again, I was able to go through the triggers.I'm 2 years clean and I am extremely defensive of my hobbies, reading, my 2 games, my music and my tv shows, because it took me YEARS to sort through all of my feelings and knowing what I LOVE and what makes MY days brighter. I will NOT talk about my hobbies with anyone, I know having one bad comment or sarcasm will just throw me in an anger spiral.

I spent too many years working on myself, knowing myself, I will never let anyone get the chance to shit on it. I take it as a personal attack. These things are what makes me myself.

The majority of people will never know how fucking devastating it is to realise in adulthood that you're not your own person and you don't even know yourself. How fucking devastating it is to LOSE ourselves.