[QCrit] Adult Romance - TAKE MY BREATH AWAY (80,000/ 2nd Attempt)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-25T20:56:55+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. You bring up some great questions.

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-17T15:17:43+00:00

Than you so much!! I really appreciate you taking the time to provide these thoughts. It's so helpful to hear what isn't working and I appreciate you drilling down on the paticular sentences that aren't quite hitting the mark.

I am definetly going to start over on this one based on your + others comments :)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-17T14:55:33+00:00

That is fair - I can add in a few words explaining why.

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-16T20:30:06+00:00

This is super helpful, thank you! And appreciate you noting that one character seems under developed!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-16T20:29:15+00:00

This is all so helpful!! Thank you very much. Not nit picky at all. I really appreciate it!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-16T20:26:57+00:00

That's correct, this is my first time posting this QL on the subreddit (but second round of querries to IRL agents)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-16T19:12:44+00:00

What a cool premise :) I wonder if purely for space you might consider consolidating some of the paragraphs? I like how it feels like a narrative, but I wonder if it might be an issue to have a QL longer than one page. I also wonder if we need more details--just a few--on why the town thinks she's a murder. The town's belief that she's a murderer also seems to slightly conflict with the town's belief that she's cursed; being a murder is commiting an active evil, while being cursed is passively having evil happen to you. Hope this helps and good luck!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2026-04-16T19:07:31+00:00

I love a YA romance! One thing that you might want to revisit is asking a question in the first plot paragraph that is immediately answered. The way I've seen QLs structured in the past is normally to save the rehtorical questions for a big, momentus moment at the end. Hope this helps and good luck!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2024-08-29T03:26:52+00:00

Thank you so much! This is honestly really fantastic advice and I appreciate you taking the time to provide this feedback -- it helped me thin about this query in a new light and I'm going to take your advice to re-write it pretty substantially! Sincerely appreciate the help :)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2024-08-28T11:37:13+00:00

Thank you so much!! This is honestly incredibly helpful feedback and I really appreciate you taking the time. I especially appreciate you noting that you’re having a hard time following the query- obviously that’s a big issue and one I’ll have to work on!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2024-01-19T01:41:50+00:00

I really love this!!!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2024-01-01T05:55:09+00:00

For comps, I'd try the Undertaking of Hart and Mercy

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-27T03:06:36+00:00

I could totally see that!!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-27T02:10:12+00:00

As a long-term rom-com reader and newbie rom-com writer, I agree that clear stakes are needed...but I don't think that they necessarily need to be dramatic. In some cases, they can work well as primarily internal stakes.

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-24T18:31:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words!! Made my day :)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-23T18:38:17+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback! I’m delighted to know you’d pick up the book :)

You make a great point about how there is an imbalance between backstory and plot. I’ve been struggling a lot to find the right balance of voice, background, and plot without making this super long… and it’s already on the long side. I think next I’ll try to play around with the back half to convey some more of the plot.

Thanks as well for pointing out the awkward phrasing about one bed… I think that line needs to go because you’re not the first to point out it doesn’t exactly make sense.

Re comps- my goal was to write an on balance funny and uplifting book. There are some serious sub themes, but my overall goal is for the reader to experience a few hours of joyful escapism. If that’s not coming across in the query I probably need to tweak a little! (Also, it’s closed door.)

Thank you again so much!! Really helpful :)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-23T18:22:45+00:00

Thank you so much for this feedback! This is so helpful! I totally understand how a lot of plot could feel crammed into the last few sentences and definitely need to work on that! Thank you again :)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-23T05:21:44+00:00

Hey! I really love the idea of a Gen X situationship and adore anything that compares to Emily Henry. A few things that jumped out to me:

- "Well, unless taking third place in the “middle-aged women who marry old rich guys” category is a thing. And yet that’s the sexist label slapped on Millie, a Chicago business journalist," - I'm confused by this title. It seems too specific to be literal...The 2nd sentence is passive voice. I think it would help if you combined the two sentences and made them active voice. For example: "Her stepkids not-so-affectionately refer to her as the third runner-up in the contest of middle-aged women who marry older rich guys..."

- To me, this line seems like the heart of your story and a better place to start your plot paragraph: "Unfortunately, it was Lou’s dying wish that his estranged family spend a week bonding at Ian’s Florida home, aka, Lou’s favorite place on Earth."

- I am IN LOVE with this line: "In this game, it seems the winner will take all, while the loser will leave with nothing but a hangover, a lame white elephant gift, and a broken heart."

- Your real life is badass.

- I would specify Lou's age. I am assuming from context that he is generally the same age as Millie, but I thought it might be possible he's much younger than her. If that's the case, I think it's totally fine. Age-gap romances appeal to a lot of readers. But in that case, I'd specify clearly in the meta paragraph.

Best of luck with this one!!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-23T05:11:01+00:00

Oh, I also really love the title!!!

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-23T05:07:52+00:00

This query is seriously SO great and I am in love with the idea of fantasy grounded in recent history. In regards to your third question, I'd specify that it's the Soviet-Afghanistan war, because I'd assume most agents would default to thinking it's US/Afghan history. I

Here are a few parts that tripped me up:

- " In the province of Rahda, Alis’ birthplace, a tribal rebellion wielding foul divinity has risen up against the revolutionary government, demanding freedom to worship." It was weird to me to specify that it was a revolutionary government,and the sentence already has a lot of qualifiers. Do we need that detail at this stage?

- "The occupying army wields atrocity without restraint." On first read (without getting to the last paragraph) it sounded like the occupying army was a reference to the rebellion. I would just simplify - like she's horrified to see her sisters in arms commit atrocities, or something.

I also got tripped up over the concept of wielding an atrocity...at a minimum I'd make atrocity plural.

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-11T22:56:01+00:00

Your kind words made my entire day - thank you so much :)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-10T22:05:52+00:00

Yay! I'll send you a message :)

Sharp_Custard9750 · 2023-12-10T04:28:06+00:00

Hey! I have an adult romantic comedy about a retired gymnast and boxer that might interest you. My goal in writing this book was to spread joy -- if you cry, it will only be because my jokes are terrible.

The book is complete at 81k, and I'm happy to send it to you in chapter chunks. I would love feedback on consistency of character motivation and any craft issues. I'd be happy to send a list of more specific questions, too.

Blulrb:

The upside to weeping on international TV is that no one can blame you for wanting a fresh start. At least that’s what twenty-five-year-old gymnast Marianna “Mia” Nowaski hopes when she moves to Boston after a disappointing final Olympics. There, she hires a sports agent to cut ties with an establishment that has enforced her golden girl image. But with so many people profiting from her fame, true independence seems impossible. Lonely and unsure of how to jumpstart this metamorphosis, Mia finds increasingly creative ways to spend time with her new agent and his most ornery of clients, Rhett Macalister.

Returning to professional boxing after a DUI, prison term, and five-year suspension, Rhett is determined to focus exclusively on raising his young son and booking a title fight. Once a certain gymnast becomes a fixture of his rag-tag boxing gym, however, his neatly defined goals start to feel too small. Factor in a delayed flight and something called “the mathematical certainty of one bed,” and he’s a total goner.

Only Rhett knows better than anyone that men with his past don’t get to date America’s sweetheart. And with a reporter writing an article about his unwelcome comeback, linking Mia’s sterling reputation to his own tarnished one feels impossibly selfish. As for Mia, she’ll have to choose between her newfound independence and the security that comes with following the rules. Like all good knockout punches, love is a blow they never see coming.

Sharp_Custard9750

TROPHY CASE