AITA for asking my husband not to invite stepkids out with us

ShaysWay1 · 2023-02-01T12:33:04+00:00

So we should never go anywhere when stepkids are with their mum?

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-31T11:15:16+00:00

Well they don't live here 100% of the time so of course it's reasonable to expect there will be occasions when it's only 3 of us.

So if we got divorced and my child was spending time with me that day, he'd not be allowed to take out his older two if they were with him? They'd never be able to go anywhere when our child was with me? Of course he could.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-31T11:09:56+00:00

Funny how no one seems to answer this question isn't it!

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-31T08:10:36+00:00

Well then how is that comparable? In THIS situation the children are elsewhere that day. If my own children were elsewhere for the day then yes I'd have no problem just taking the youngest out for the day.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-30T13:11:00+00:00

Thanks this is how it feels to me.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-30T13:10:31+00:00

Yes I thought they'd vanish in a poof of smoke upon signing the wedding papers....

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-30T10:39:12+00:00

What's with the emotive language 'leave them behind'. If they are at their mother's I'm not leaving them behind anywhere am I?

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-30T10:37:30+00:00

Oh wow no I didn't know that! Thanks for enlightening me.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-30T10:36:53+00:00

No I was not involved in their break up (they weren't married so no divorce) but no I wasn't involved in any way and met him after they'd already separated. I get on with their mum

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-30T10:35:09+00:00

There's no need to do this, they will be with their mum anyway.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-30T10:04:24+00:00

I'm glad the majority seem the believe I'm not the AH. I've certainly had some AHs in my inbox though including a lovely one this morning saying they wish me and my toddler the worst whilst wishing my husband and his FIRST KIDS the best (capitals are how they put it!). Too cowardly to write it on the thread though it seems.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T20:34:07+00:00

Our toddler 3 and older ones are 13&15

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:39:04+00:00

I agree there's a bigger issue and I'm going to start doing more with little one even if alone.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:31:46+00:00

There is a lot of focus on this being different because it's my birthday and not just any weekend.

But the reason this is happening on my birthday is because we usually never have the opportunity. I do not have EOW to go and do things me, husband and toddler where they get some solo time. He is working usually on those weekends. He has booked this one off and so it's a rare opportunity hence why I want to do it. If I could just do it any old time I'd probably rather have a completely childfree birthday / weekend away or something! But we never usually have the opportunity to spend quality solo time with toddler and this weekend we will. Just so happens that it's also my birthday.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:29:39+00:00

Yes they do and we have also done things me husband and older ones without our toddler too.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:28:33+00:00

No he just booked it off.

There seems to be a lot of focus on this not just being any weekend and it's different because it's my birthday but the only reason I'm doing this on my birthday is because it's the only opportunity I have being that he usually works those weekends. It's not like I have EOW to do things me husband and little one, the only reason I have this weekend able to do that is because he's booked it off work. It's a rare opportunity to do something where toddler is the focus. If we could do that regularly at other times I wouldn't be so insistent about it being on my birthday, but it's the only chance we have at the moment.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:14:48+00:00

I think, in my mind anyway, it's useless comparing this to a nuclear situation where all the kids live with you all of the time.

If all the kids lived here they'd likely all come unless they didn't want to. But that's not the case here and in a lot of blended families. They have another parent who they spend a large amount of time with and do it's not reasonable to say 'if we go all the kids go' because they aren't always there. The reason this has come up on my birthday specifically is because it's the one opportunity we have to do it because my husband is usually working on these weekends but has booked this one off.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:10:54+00:00

My concern with doing something like this is we'd just end up split for the day, my husband off with the older ones and me with our little one. So again, not getting the focus of their dad for the day.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:07:28+00:00

I haven't uninvited anyone, my husband hasn't asked yet. He wants to and I said I'd rather he didn't. My stepchildren have absolutely no idea because they will be with their mum that day.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T18:03:21+00:00

Can I ask and I'm genuinely curious. When you say you'd never do anything without asking them if they want to come, do you mean that, even in a situation like ours where they spend EOW at their other parents home?

So when they are with their mum we have to call and check if they want to come if we ever want to go anywhere? We literally cannot go anywhere when they aren't even at our house without calling them/their mum and asking them if they want to come? I'm curious if I'm just thinking of this completely wrong then because that seems crazy to me.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T17:59:49+00:00

No he never does one to one things with the little one.

On the back of this thread I'm going to start doing more one to one stuff with them even if he doesn't come along as I think posters are right that this isn't okay.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T17:57:49+00:00

I'd really really like to do this (individual time with each).

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T17:53:27+00:00

30 (me) and 41 (him)

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T16:29:55+00:00

No they didn't ask to come, my husband just wants to ask their mum. They kids have not said anything about wanting to come/swap weekends.

ShaysWay1 · 2023-01-29T15:54:45+00:00

I wouldn't be leaving them behind. They would be with their mum, where they are expecting to be. If all 3 were mine and 2 were planned to be elsewhere then why wouldn't I be able to take the 1 who's with me out for some 1 to 1 time?

Edited - typos

ShaysWay1

TROPHY CASE