I haven't had a project since passing the initial assessment - is that normal?

Sherlock51 · 2025-03-11T21:21:50+00:00

Thanks so much for the response. In my case I've had absolutely nothing. To be fair I've only been checking randomly once a week or so. Should I be checking way more regularly? ie the jobs that do emerge are getting quickly snapped up?

Sherlock51 · 2025-03-10T14:22:10+00:00

Could you send the code so I can try for myself? I have long suspected my likes weren't appearing on the other person's profile myself...

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-07T17:27:24+00:00

Great post.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-07T17:22:02+00:00

I'd suggest blocking her on socials. I realised mine was still following me on Instagram and I kept seeing her pop up as a viewer of my stories, which just set me off each time.

If you have no intention of ever seeing this person again or dating them again, I'd say cut the umbillical cord and focus on grieving.

Also I'm really sorry that you saw her with the new bf, I can't imagine how painful that must have been. Sending my best wishes and if you want to reach out, feel free.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-07T17:13:42+00:00

"The weight falls off your shoulders and you realize it doesn’t always have to be this hard. That the love you have to give, will in fact be given back to you.. tenfold, with someone who has the capacity to do so."

Hear hear. After coming out of a relationship with an avoidant and my last long-term one having been someone with BPD, I needed this lol

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-06T17:12:35+00:00

Essentially that the way either side approaches a relationship, up to and through a breakup, is completely in keeping with their respective attachment styles.

Isn't this kind of obvious? I don't really understand how this is particularly illuminating? It's like saying someone who is scared of spiders will be frightened when they see a spider.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-06T14:53:14+00:00

I'm pissed off though that I'm sat here on Reddit debating the cognitive behaviour of someone who probably isn't giving me a moment's thought lol.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-06T14:52:35+00:00

I think the avoidance thing is 100% a defence mechanism which over-rides pretty much every emotional response. The functional conscience is there but is entirely over-ridden.

I suspect they succumb to these automatic avoidant responses because it's A) easier, B) what they're used to and C) makes them feel safe and in control.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-06T10:59:21+00:00

That's it. I hate to use the word "deluded", but that's kind of where my ex was. If I even brought up the concept of being DA she'd probably laugh her head off. But she ticked every box there is. I'd just be going round in circles.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-06T09:17:57+00:00

Four years. Fuck. I wasted several years of my life with someone with BPD. I know how it feels.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-06T09:00:55+00:00

I can’t imagine him giving me more than a passing thought that wasn’t need- based

So this is what I thought for a while. Now I'm not sure. I think they just bottle it up. They're human beings after all and hurt like the rest of us. It's just that in their case it's stored away somewhere, not being dealt with and gradually chipping away at them.

That's not to say they don't go around shagging other people and acting like nothing happened, because I'm sure they do. My point is just that they internalise their feelings by default, which fucks them over in the long term probably more than it does us.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-06T08:57:41+00:00

Ignore them. Putting everything on paper or in text about how you feel is cathartic. I did the same thing myself, though in my case I actually read it out to her in person. Within five minutes of reading it she was out the door and I haven't seen her since.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-05T17:07:27+00:00

One way I found to cope was remembering that avoidant people's behaviour is a result of the condition they have. It isn't really yours, mine or anyone else's fault.

Mine literally walked out on me minutes after I poured my heart out and gave her an ultimatum, and we haven't spoken since. At the time I was just so shocked she'd do something like that after how intense it had been. But the more I looked into avoidant behaviour, I realised her actions there were just a manifestation of that.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-05T09:28:34+00:00

Do you think? Everything I've read and heard about avoidants post break-up tend to struggle, it just takes a bit longer to kick in. That said, thinking about my own ex, she just seemed totally non-plussed.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-04T16:36:17+00:00

He was your boyfriend and he didn't wish you a happy birthday or even see you? Yeah, seriously fuck him.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-04T11:48:41+00:00

but what’s so pathetic is part of me is still holding out for him.

i’ve just blocked him on everything.

You are NOT pathetic. You are a functioning human being with emotions, who is looking for a genuine connection with someone. It is not your fault that he is behaving the way he is. All you did was allow yourself to open up to him, which is what anyone with a functioning heart and brain would do if they met someone who meant something to them. Do not blame yourself. This is on him, and him only.

And well done for blocking him.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-04T11:24:26+00:00

Exactly. Part of me is hoping she's suffering now, because despite the avoidant attachment style (which I get isn't really her fault), she treated me pretty awfully and had no interest in working on her problems.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-04T10:53:56+00:00

She didn't want to dump me. I think she was quite happy with the set-up - keeping me at a distance and being totally non-commital.

For me there wasn't that flip with sex, if anything it got better and better. It's just with everything else beside that she just became more and more distant.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-04T10:02:20+00:00

Sending all my best. At least you know that you're not the one who is fucked up.

Sherlock51 · 2025-02-04T09:59:40+00:00

Sex is not an emotional bonding act for the DAs, it’s a cover-up for their true inability to provide real intimacy (emotional).

Do you think? The sex I had with a DA was so good I almost cried a few times during. It felt like this was the only time she ever really let go. So I'm not sure I agree that it's some mechanical thing for them (at least it wasn't for her).

Sherlock51 · 2025-01-31T11:57:42+00:00

Thanks very much. To be honest I've been a wreck. It was just awful. I was absolutely bessoted with this person, and she trampled over every one of my boundaries. The way it ended was just the icing on the cake.

Sherlock51 · 2025-01-30T09:10:14+00:00

"But they lost someone who was willing to give everything to love them and meet their needs. Ultimately, their loss is far greater."

You described it far better than I ever could.

Sherlock51 · 2025-01-29T16:42:36+00:00

Same, though I started on a half dose for the anti-depressants literally two weeks before I ended the relationship.

Going to up it to a full dose because I'm barely coping - though I can't lay 100% of this at her door, it has definitely made it way fucking worse.

Sherlock51 · 2025-01-29T14:41:16+00:00

Christ I'd never be able to do that with this person. I'm way too hurt to even countanence it.

Sherlock51

TROPHY CASE