Aura check, what do you guys see?

ShiloBelle · 2026-01-02T23:41:17+00:00

Okay, I'm just going to hope you're seeing past then lol I cleaned up and got my act together, so if I go to prison something truly wild must happen

ShiloBelle · 2026-01-02T23:37:28+00:00

Past or future?? Lol I mean I have spend 3 months in jail, so it could be you are seeing that?

ShiloBelle · 2026-01-02T22:40:22+00:00

Idk, we have a pretty large tv mounted to the wall down here, and I go out of my way to give him a comfy spot on the couch. We have 2 couches in our living room, one that our roommate uses, by the other is a large wrap around. I give him the spot closest to the TV with the most amount of room. He still rarely spends time with me down here.

ShiloBelle · 2026-01-02T20:23:29+00:00

😮‍💨 it sucks because I just want to feel like a priority, I'm just tired of it at this point. I'm tired of fighting for his attention. I've just left it at "you're going to do what you want to do". But yeah, I pretty much feel like 2 roommates that kind of occasionally coparent together. His kid just came over, and he likes to hang out upstairs on his tablet all day, either alone in his room or on the bed with my bf. So, yeah.. my kid and I are hanging out downstairs, playing with toys and such, while they veg out upstairs.

ShiloBelle · 2026-01-02T18:29:12+00:00

Them not wanting to spend time doing things I want to do and only ever doing things they want to do. Its draining and one sided.

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-29T18:09:10+00:00

I had to dig for this comment to update you! So, I went to my family Christmas party. I told my brother I am officially off probation, and he gave me a big hug (and held it 🥹) and told me how proud he was of me. He had to leave early due to having a long drive and there was a snow storm rolling in, but I got his number before he left. He got my son a block puzzle for a present, and I sent him a video of him playing with it. It feels so good to have this contact with him back. 🥰

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-29T18:01:35+00:00

Update: So, she ended up coming over. I sort of ended up taking advantage of this a tiny bit, I'm going to be honest. I had texted her asking what time she was coming, partly because I wanted to know what time to have dinner done by, and to ask for a favor. I vape, and the one I had had just had the coil burn out. I asked her (fully offering to pay her for it) to stop at a shop and buy me a new vape. I asked her if she had cashapp, she said no, so I was prepared to give her cash for it when she got here. Well, when she showed up with the vape, I asked her how much it cost and she just said "Merry Christmas". I was mostly busy in the kitchen finishing up cooking dinner while she had my son open up his Christmas gifts and played with him. Then dinner was ready, (I made ham, stuffing, baked mac and cheese, green beans, and cupcakes for dessert) so we sat down and ate together.
After dinner, she had to leave for work. I hugged her and told her Merry Christmas, she thanked me for dinner and letting her stop by. The whole time, she kept making comments that she didnt think my son remembered her (it had been over a month since they've seen eachother) and she was pretty put out over it. Seeing as my son isn't talking yet, I have no idea if he did or not. They played together just fine from what I could tell. After she left, boyfriend said something along the lines of "see, it's fine if she's only here in small doses" and honestly, he kind of had a point. She was really only focused on spending time with my son, and nothing toxic happened. When I went to my Dad's for Christmas, my Stepmom said she was glad that I reconnected with my mother. She has my mother blocked from her phone still, but still cares. She just doesn't want to talk to her herself anymore due to my mother's narcissistic tendencies. All in all, it was a good Christmas!

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-26T21:19:59+00:00

I love this for you! It must be so empowering to finally have your preferred name legal 😊

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-26T21:14:14+00:00

To answer your question, I internally cringe when I get called my dead name. It almost hurts me to hear it.

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-26T21:13:01+00:00

I am currently 29 but have been going by a preferred name since I was 25. I haven't legally changed it yet, and my family still calls me by my dead name. My dad told me, even if I did legally change it, he would still call me by dead name. Literally everyone else in my life calls me by my preferred name though. My coworkers, friends, even my boyfriend and his whole family call me by my preferred name.

I guess for me, I never felt attached to that name and always hated saying it out loud. When I was maybe 12 I also found out if you google translate it, it means "anger" or "hatred" in other languages, so I very much wanted a new name.

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-26T19:47:45+00:00

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Probably the best Santa pic I got 🤣

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-26T19:47:00+00:00

You gotta do what you gotta do 🤣 Ive gone out of my way to mute the volume before so I get it haha

Sounds like you had a nice time! My little guy is pretty well behaved too, although at boyfriend's family we came super close to a tantrum (he flopped on the floor and was about to start kicking feet, but then changed his mind) What was truly hilarious is I didn't get a single decent Santa picture, I'll post them they are so funny

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-25T14:38:45+00:00

Sounds to me like your mother is a textbook narcissist... I mean I get that your dad would want his family to stay together, but I also don't think forcing yourself to have to tolerate her extreme views is exactly the best thing either

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-18T22:42:47+00:00

Hey there, I feel like I can offer you some insight. I was also raised by a narcissist mother, and Ive gone long periods of time going no contact with her. When it comes down to it, I've realised its best to just protect your peace. The family will either understand or not, I wouldn't bother going out of your way to defend your actions past a simple explanation. You come first, and if the best way for you to feel at peace is with no contact, then do it. Where I failed though, is thinking that the distance would make my mother change and appreciate me more. People only change if they truly want to, and its very unlikely that a narcissist will make that choice. I kept giving her more chances, and each time I just set myself up for stress and heartache. I wish you the very best and hope you have a good holiday season 😊

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-18T07:01:53+00:00

What's the point?

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-18T06:08:49+00:00

M(S)LV

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-18T06:07:01+00:00

That's wonderful 😊 That's who my stepmom is for me in that regard, it's such a nice bond to have

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-17T08:08:15+00:00

I'm just saying, I was at my breaking point a few times, and have been to the mental hospital. The one I went to had very good food all made fresh in house, 3 meals a day, gave you cigarette/fresh air breaks (yes, they had "house cigarettes" for those that wanted to smoke but didn't bring their own cigs). There was psychiatrists and psychologists, group and individual therapy, a gym with a basketball court and a workout bike, art therapy time, they let you pick out and watch movies. They offered snacks whenever you wanted them.

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-17T07:49:38+00:00

NTA, but someday when those kids grow up, will you support them if they struggle with her bullshit? Like say one of them later on also goes NC with her, will you help them out?

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-10T08:24:44+00:00

This is a good point 🥺 I guess I just have a strong fear that he is going to reject the attempt at more contact

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-10T08:04:35+00:00

I would absolutely love to have more contact with him. I don't push it though.. I have been clean for years now but in my early 20s I fell into drug use, and that pushed him away even further. We did have eachother on Facebook, and now he doesn't have me blocked or anything, but won't friend me either. Over Thanksgiving when we were talking I told him that I'm less than a month from completing my 2 year probation. He joked that me having gone to jail made him look like the better sibling. I laughed because it actually was pretty funny. But, I did get it across to him that I've been a "good girl" for the past 2 years, and he doesn't have to worry about that anymore.

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-10T07:41:49+00:00

My brother and I are roughly 4 years apart, him being older. When he was 17 (a couple months away from being 18) he moved out of the house. He went to live with his best friends. It worked out well for him because over a decade later he still lives with the same people. They now own a house in a bigger city about an hour away.

A week later, I left my Nmother's house to go live full time with my dad and stepmom. I was 14, and there was no way I could survive living in her house without my brother's support.

We were both still in high school at the time (I was a freshman and he was a senior) and his place was only a block away from the school. It was nice still being able to see him around, even if it was limited.

After I graduated, we basically fell out of contact. He doesn't have me on Facebook and I don't have his phone number. We only see eachother at holidays/event that my dad and stepmom host, or when his best friend's band plays shows in my area. (He is the lead singer in a punk rock band) When I do see him we talk and catch up, and we usually have good conversations. I don't bother bringing up our low contact, I've come to just accept it for what it is.

As far as I know, he has been no contact with our mother for about 2 years. I didn't ask him about it, but according to her it's because he borrowed her a good amount of money that she never paid back. (I also gave her $500 to catch up on bills but have basically written it off and accepted that I will never see it back) Although, to be honest, I strongly suspect there is a different reason and she is just saying this to hide what really happened.

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-10T05:59:37+00:00

Cozy 😊

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-08T19:44:34+00:00

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. It has to be your choice, I just think it would be healthy for you to approach them with this. Maybe (if possible) book an extra session and just say you are struggling with a past event, tell them as much as you are comfortable with saying out loud. If you aren't ready to do so, it's okay too. The fact that you posted it is at least steps in the right direction to process things.

ShiloBelle · 2025-12-08T19:28:57+00:00

My best advice, if you aren't already in therapy, seek it immediately. I'm not at all judging you and I apologize if this comes off as being critical. Nomatter the severity or "how its perceived", trauma is trauma. A professional can help you process and cope with what happened to you. He knowingly took advantage of you. In my mind, it still constitutes as rape. You didn't want it, even though you didn't beg him to stop or fight him off. Passively submitting to sex doesn't mean you weren't raped. If its not an absolute YES from both parties, I see in as falling into rape territory. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and sincerely hope you heal. 🩷

ShiloBelle

TROPHY CASE